Driving along the green lined streets
In the latest Mercedes Benz S Class
I saw a dainty looking girl
sitting on the backseat of the car
looking blankly at the sunset
Her fiance promises her
A life of comforts
As long she produces a heir
for the empire
On the satin sheets
if this was her life’s purpose
the reason her parents
gave her a maid
the moment she was born
In the morning
glaring rays of light
filtered into the large white room
as he dressed for work
in the latest Armani suit
In her memories
they were always dancing
well, that was what she knew him as
before knowing the truth
On the dance floor they were free
from everything and anything
there was no worlds to conquer
no expectations no pressures
for on the dance floor
everyone is equal and the same
She looked at his mirage
disappearing into the walkway
if it was all a fantasy or real.
I have been thinking for the past month, the big dilemma – to continue to film an episode a day for hundred days. I have done 47 episodes before leaving for Toronto for Vincent. Now that we are back in Singapore, the question is – if I should restart the channel.
A series of unforeseen circumstance has swept me away from my original plan, which was to do a hundred episodes, write the novel that I have been dreaming about, and to become a full time artist (writer/actress).
Now, it seems that my plans had changed.
Vincent and I are close to engagement.
Our wedding is scheduled for year end.
There are many questions that I cannot answer at this stage.
The story behind the Scarlet Queen
They say, it takes a hundred days to get over someone? Well, if that is the case, why not do a video a day for a hundred days?
So the insanity started – the idea of Cheryl and Risque came about because he said he only liked one side of me.
That side… was Risque.
To Mr Mysterious: I became Risqué, because you said that you did not like the real me. You know…. I wrote a poetry book for you. I was in love with you. But I guess, you only loved one side of me.
The poetry book featured towards the final video of Cheryl, was in truth, a poetry book made for Mr Mysterious. I had intended to give him the book. Well, honestly, I do not think he even realises it is him.
I had decided, before leaving for Toronto. To never reveal who he is.
The question of who is Mr Mysterious (The White/Black Knight) will remain unanswered.
I have to thank a special someone for helping me understand the meaning of pain. I used to be masochistic, you know, putting myself in dangerous situations, standing at the edge of the building, trying to face the fear of death by staring at death. I thought I had defeated “death” by not being afraid of it, and as a consequence, not being afraid of pain. Till, I met someone, who showed me what mental torture is about. The torture process starts with inception of a dream that is half certain, half true and lies, and the hope of which, will never be answered for years, and the constant reminder of the existence of such a dream which might or might not be true. Ahaha, I thought I had it all under control, not being afraid of death and pain… o boy… I was so wrong. Nothing is more painful than the constant torture of the unknown answers that you will never know, it is worse then death itself. (15/05/13)
In truth, I would like to close the chapter on Mr Mysterious, and begin a new one with Vincent. The pain of unrequited love for years had only left me in a state of hopelessness. Vincent, is my only redemption to the pain.
If I do restart the series, it will no longer be for Mr Mysterious but for Vincent Knight. The question is, should I… or should I not… restart the channel.
I am currently the most – happiest – luckiest – girl in the world to meet Vincent. He loves the Scarlet Queen… and soon… he will give me my throne.
Even if I continue to film the Scarlet Queen… I know… there is finally someone who loves me for me, and not just one side of me… that knowledge itself… has ended my pain.
What do you think?
It hit him like a whirlwind, like a spell, like a curse… what was it about?
It HIT him like a baseball ball, knocking his logical senses out of his head.
The girl, in the black dress with a scarlet smile, smiling back at him
No, it can’t be love, it is infatuation, it is lust, it is just his testersotone.
But wait, it can’t be, it has to be something else…
Maybe it is his soul mate from his past lives, maybe they were secret lovers
Why, does her scarlet smile contain so much intrigue and mystery in one?
She was like a venus flytrap, and he… like a tiny insect, engulfed by her smell and beauty
lured seductively into her cave, before she closes him up in her… the last ecstasy before death.
Why her? Why does it has to be a woman, and not anything or anyone else.
She was a stranger, a cold blooded bat, a living, but unliving thing
Maybe it is all a fantasy, or his mind is just running wild, wild with his secret desires
He has to find her, he has to go back for her, he has to do everything in his power to be in her presence
Minions humor me when they talk about entrepreneurship and creativity, they say, they need courage to be the change agent blah blah, but you know, honestly, we are born to create, the moment you conform, or judge someone, you lose your god like creation mode. When you try to be unconventional, chances are, you are going to be alone, you are not going to have any friends or support, can YOU deal with that? The long hours of spent in solitude like a locked mental jail cell with your own belief system when everyone else tells you it is NOT possible? If you can deal with this, next step is to look for the right mentors, for when you are ready, the right teachers will come to you. After that, build your dynamic team…when all is set… travel the world like crazy and fall in love randomly, and get married before you become too disillusioned and start eating minions.
Dont bother spending thousands of dollars on some entrepreneurship course, all you have to do is follow your heart and the path to creativity & love will automatically flow into your life like a universal life force… and you will achieve god like state in mastery, in a snap.
If you study successful business people closely, most of them dont succeed till they found their soul mate (facebook founder included!)… so never put your career in front of love, let them happen at the same time.
The Scarlet Queen
Life is inherently meaningless, and in the meaningless acquisition of possessions and achievements of the material world, there is nothing more fulfilling then giving without expectations, and loving someone for love itself ~ Averal Lim
Outliers and Antifragile .. best books ever written that dismisses everything we were told to believe in schools, media, parents and peers… highly recommended reads for a big break. What we learn in conventional means, for the next breakthrough, is the art of unlearning and recreating a new identity for ourselves using all the material we had gathered, after all the trials and errors of our past, to formulate a new strategy for our lives, to become the ultimate creators of our destiny by understanding the past – core – and present of who we are.
Is Success Predetermined or Designed?
It seems that our lives are predetermined based on the family we are born into, and exposed to as our interests that defines who we become. I used to think we have a choice, that we can defy natural order by sheer will & merit but evidence points to the fact that opportunities are presented only when the individual is placed in the right environment at the right time under right circumstances to flourish. Chapters 2 -4 of outliers reinforced my beliefs on top of Lee Kuan Yew’s unpopular Social Darwinism ideology in his memoirs. In Robert Greene’s Mastery book, children are inclined to pursue what draws them, and later in adult life, crave a niche out of, but in all his illustrations it points that those with supportive parents with the right networks ultimately become prominent members in their field. Which brings me back to question, does meritocracy comes into play when out success is predetermined by uneven opportunities?
Sense of Entitlement
Interestingly, I found that inherited attributes and the sense of entitlement of middle / upper income families (explained in chapter 4 of outliers) is what makes or breaks an individual trying to navigate his way around the complex world of achievement. An individual with a highly brilliant mind like Chris Langan, is unable to renew his scholarship because of his family’s passivity towards authorities. With a sense of entitlement to the external world, then one can make a difference in contribution towards humanity. Our ability to question authorities, get things done our way, and self respect are key elements modern day living that we have to independently partake in our individualism.
– to be continued
In the new world, approaching Web 3.0, I predict the convergence of technology, and accessibility and distribution of information to be widely available at speeds unforeseeable in human history, partially thanks to the big giants – Apple, Google and YouTube for the ability of reaching out globally from their independent platforms to create and disperse information and knowledge.
The convergence of technology and knowledge, will allow humanity to unite and create art forms that are merge the futuristic and advance at levels, never faster before. Our ability to learn multiple languages, dance, and mediums, with globalisation, internet, and social media, has created a new wave of mutual unity and understanding of the human race. The world is turning mobile, and the borders, are melting into borderlessness, with the union of the European Union, we are now living in a new world, that one day, we will become citizens of the world, our cultures and identity unifying as one, that’s when, we as the human race are one and the same… that’s when… wars will end.
The world is converging as I speak, and the playing field is evened out between the strong and weak, in this new world, knowledge and dexterity are the keys to survival. The traditional forms of connections, ties, and inherited titles will disappear as social mobility will depend on meritocracy and ingenuity to survive in the world of change. The world has never changed this fast, as compared to before the invention of the internet, its like everything has speeded up, communications, news, information, the speed of flow has allowed us to connect across borders without being in the same country, to trade and move goods and services smoothly through airplanes and ships. The information age of today, is probably the golden era of human civilisation. Interestingly, the people who will be left behind are those without the knowledge of the internet or computers. More funding is needed to support every child in third world countries with a laptop, so they can be part of this global economy.
I had resigned that fantasy is better than reality, reality is a lie itself, and fantasy is the truth. Imagination is the only salvation to what is left, and ugliness is beauty itself. In the beauty of imperfections we can only be closer to the truth. That is why as an artist, I live in reality no more and seek to create new realities in my quest for idealism.
Life is more meaningful this way.
“You are meant for bigger things.” she whispered in my ear before drifting away into the sea of consciousness, leaving me in fear of what is to come in the unknown future, as I tried to chase her silhouette relentlessly, I found myself falling deeper into a sinking hole, her voice echoes my name over and over and over, tormenting the core of my existence, I finally screamed and the world turned upside down as I found myself back in front of an oncoming car, before she pushed me away to the sidewalk as I fell bleeding on my knees.
As I felt the pain creeping up my spine, I felt a new aliveness like no other, a new way of experiencing life like a myriad murky pool of madness. I felt insanity boring through my sanity as I lost myself completely in my rebirth from being so close yet far from death itself.
As I watch time eating up my youth and vitality I could only pray I would complete the novel before the flames of my soul is snuffed out by the chaos and unpredictability of human nature.
Existence is temporal.
Why try, when all evidence leads to hopelessness?
question, why even try, with the knowledge of trying no matter what
it all points back at nothingness?
Increasingly in my journey and quest for perfection, I am meeting the road block, also known as existential crisis. It is a point where one realizes there is no point in doing whatever we are doing, because at the end of the day we are all going to die and our artwork or message might never be understood or conveyed. Watching Cloud Atlas (2012) made me realize this situation in another level, as compared to what I thought previously, which was to try and try using the sheer will power of my mind.
At this stage, I realize that the act of trying when everyone is failing, is indeed fighting against a hopeless cause, like trying to move a stone with a raindrop. To move boulders we need strong tides and waves, even a tsunami! One single rain drop, or rain can’t do shit, it just erodes the rock over time but does not move it, maybe it will disintegrate into sand over the course of millions of years but it does not solve the fundamental problem – which is to freaking move the dam rock.
As my comprehension of the situation of the world we live in grows in strength each day, the more I feel that others around me do not see what I see, thus increasing my isolation and the tendency to be misunderstood. The more I feel the suffering of others, the more I feel that there is a lack of empathy in our human race, for the drive to be competitive outweighs the basic integrity and ethnics on what it is to be a human with a heart. In this sense, my current life philosophy is leaning towards Taoism, or also known as The Way. It is the action of doing nothing, to achieve everything. Sounds pretty deep and complex, but it utilizes the way of the natural order to move objects naturally, instead of “forcing” things to happen. That is a mental form I am trying to cultivate.
As the waves of globalization take control of our basic resources and monetary system, the divide becomes more apparent. The skilled and unskilled, the rich and poor, the inequality and income gaps. Thomas Friedman was right, the world is flat. I am glad I am an outlier in the equation (being a writer with the ability to detach and see what is happening objectively). If I am in the rat race itself, it would not seem so clear to me – this madness we are living in, chasing dreams we cannot attain, collecting mountains of mortgage debt that cannot be repaid. I am glad I understand the way the system works (with a combination of my business degree background and understanding of human nature), but in the process, I see the obvious so easily, the obvious mistakes people are making, that is worrying.
Which brings me back to the point of the existential crisis – why even try? Even my very own friends can’t be bothered to try, why the hell should I try to be different. I guess, instead of living life like a goldfish, we humans have a choice to take control and choose the life we want to lead. In the process of which, I guess it is worth trying although it all points at hopelessness.
At this point of my journey, I am a hopeless convert towards realism after worshiping Robert Greene, and that itself brings me back to the realization of meaningless of existence, that would be the new direction of where my works will take me – the seeking for and forging of an identity in a chaotic world that makes no sense.