She is afraid of her reflections in the mirror
It is another her, no, it is her.

cracking. shattering. blood.

All over and over, it repeats like a cyclone.
Every night, in her dreams, her bloody visions and tainted fingers.
In haunting night mares, in tears and sweat.

She is the vixen on the dance floor
The conqueror of emperors and kings.
Cleopatra personified, the face of Helen and the poison of ivy
She is, the queen of hearts.

A deadly venus flytrap, a conscience without.

Regrets of the things once past
The joy we had laughing at the pier
On top of the podium of a fantasy world
Lights flashing past like it was forever

You & me on the dance floor on top of the world
I broke a heel, but it does not matter with you
as my sidekick in the dark

We poured our hearts out to each other that night
The revelations and reveries of our escapades
Was it real? Or is this all a dream and you are
just a fragment of my creation in a dream.

Or that I am in a dream, dreaming of you, and that all these are not real, but a reflection of my innermost desires to be more like you?

My wings were torn apart from me
As I was left there, forsaken.

“You can fly without your wings.”
a whisper enchanted my ears.

I closed my eyes and saw
My wings racing through the skies once more.
The flight of joy and excitement
cruising, escaping, racing
against time, against the wind

I never felt so beautiful.
A phoenix rising, a rebirth
of my soul.

I can fly once more.

My lips, taped with a black cross
My hands, tied to my back
My knees, on the rocky pavement
bleeding in vain

My eyes can’t see no more

For the truth is right here in front of me
I am silenced, not to speak the truth

For the fear it creates, the resentment it evokes
The topping of societies, the restructuring of governance

The bearer of justice is blind
The world sees colours and genders
They stereotype, discriminate, and prejudice
Into boxes of fixed perception

In this dominant white male supremacy
The hey days of the old colonial British past
The flags of white, red and blue
capitalism of manipulation.

A curse of the pen
A writer I am.

Under the moon you came in a dream

Into my bedroom balcony, into the arched shaped windows

You carried me gently from my bed in my silky white nightdress

In your arms, as I held your neck tightly

I saw your translucent wings spread apart from behind your back

As you took me away from my room, and flew through the night air

Like a white dove in the skies, towards the moon.

In my dreams I scream your name.

I want you so bad that it hurts inside to see you go. The source of my suffering comes from knowing you, for I see your face in the darkness and disappearing into the shadows, and you are not there anymore.

This dark pit I stand in looking up at you from below, you see me but you deny I am in there as you walk away with this heaviness in your heart.

“No more, no more”, you say to yourself as I watch you disappear into the darkness of the night, into the streets of indigo trees and brownish dark roads. Your hands in your pockets and your head hung low as you walk away from the source of your misery and happiness.

“I miss you”, I say to myself while standing in the cold watching you walk away.

————

That night I laid my heavy head on your shoulder, I felt a sense of heaven bliss, that comfort, that familiarity, the thrill of sleeping with a stranger. I felt so wonderful with you around, no one would ever be able to replace that presence that you left behind.

————–

In my dreams I screamed your name, you turned back to look at me as you walk down that lonely black road alone. I screamed your name again and ran towards your cold body and hugged you tight. You hugged me tightly in return. Your aching heart bearing it no longer. “I am here.” I assured you. “I love you.” you said with tears in your voice.

————–

Disappear, walk away never

No, come back to me

We will be together forever

She is not breathing, can’t you see?

————–

Men lie about their feelings 99% of the time.

In my dreams I was drifting in and out of consciousness
I tried to open my eyes but all was blank

All was quiet, too quiet.

I struggled to open my eyes once more

The images turned into a multi colour surrealistic world
Silver rivers and golden grass, pink horses and rainbow colours
Fairies, devas, angels and guardians
They were all surrounding me
and I never felt so beautiful

In my cotton white garment, I asked why I am here
And why is my hair long and gold?
They told me, you have came back to heavens
and we are waiting for you to join us back here all along

I never felt so happy to feel accepted once more
I smiled like an angel and held their hands
While they smiled back merrily back at me
Telling me they are here to take me back

For my mission is not complete.

I tried to open my eyes once more
And I saw my room fill up my view
White walls, wooden frames, a plastic table
I tried to move my hands but I could not

For hours I stared at the ceiling
Wondering if I could ever move my body again
For I was motionless and still
And wishing I was in paradise once more

Wondering what if I don’t wake up one day
Will I be missed by others?
Wondering if there was anyone who loved me at all
For I always felt alone in this world

One against the world, that is how I feel.

Using every inch of will power I had, I feebly moved my hands
and dialed the emergency number with my shivering fingers

Save me… I still want to live

4 pills down and a bottle of wine,
counting down the hours into the sleepless nights,
wishing I would never wake up from my blissful sleep,
the shadows of my past haunts me when I close my eyes.

Walking in the rain home, waiting for the traffic lights to turn green
With my hands in my coat, and a girl behind me with a red umbrella
She turns another direction and I walk down the hills alone
Down and down the hills as my feet sank into the muddy soil

Rain drops falling through my hair to my face
A thousand silent tears dripping down my cheeks
I wiped my eyes and I realised they were dry
And these tears that fell from heaven clouds
Were crying for me.

Rain, tell me, why did you rain today?

Did you feel my broken heart calling out his name
That you were so touched that you decide to cry in my name
So that you can spare me from the pain?

Did you send the winds to greet me
To surround me with your love and company
So I won’t feel lonely walking home alone?

I reached the garden and stopped at the wooden door
A golden labrador looks at me with sad forlorn eyes
I took out my golden key and opened the lock
It watched me go into the safety of my home

While it stood outside in the rain.