Why do I see behind your wrinkled eyes
The sadness of a young girl who was once beautiful?
Now bounded to domestic chores and rearing of children
Your fragile hands becoming thin
Your health diminishing
as your vitality of youth
seems to fade
as the fences around your home
seem to lock you inside

Your husband, who pursued you
with promises of security and comfort
Now, in another land of male chauvinism
The dollar sign in his mind as his eyes avert you
His eyes preying at the skimpy dressed girls in the night club

You remembered, not so long ago,
The familiar tune fills up the dance floor
As you turned and swayed, hands in his
your head in his chest, listening to his heartbeat
The romance of the last dance

You awake from your fantasy
As a vast empty room greets you
You look at the gold clock
That stopped ticking long ago
As you continue your routine
around the home, while waiting for him
to come back once more.

A young girl in a white dress
standing alone in a grey field
in a mirage of war torn buildings

Lost from her parents.

Her screams cracks the skies apart
It pierces and chills
all souls into dust

Desperation. Isolation. Despair.

She lifts up her hands to touch
the bright glowing light in the distance
as it came nearer and nearer towards her
she ran forward, and forward,

Leaving behind the shattered life once so beautiful

She ran to the rising sun of dawn
On a tall cliff, a thousand screams from the darkness below
Her feet bleeding from the stones, her skirt tattered into shreds
Her hands, stretched out to touch the glowing light above

A final step, and she falls into the valleys
Her eyes still fixated on the sun
Her hands unable to touch
as she falls further and further
deeper and deeper

into emptiness.

Tear me to pieces, like a broken doll. Take all the parts of me, abuse me, kick me, hate me. She is not breathing. Tell me you loved me, you desired me that you wanted all of me. No, you bastard, you killed her. She is no longer there no more. She is smiling in the clouds above, far from the cruel world – for death is the key to peace. No more nightmares come at night to haunt her, no more demons to rip her clothes in the middle of the night – she is in eternal bliss with her brother on the stairways to heaven, hand in hand, where they finally unite beyond the veil of this world. Where he can protect her and bring her to safety… to paradise and beyond.

I want to hide in a place

Where no one will find me

Where I am scream shout and curse

Where no one will hear me.

There is this tension building inside me

Waiting to break out of this body

There is this evil being inside me

Waiting to control my senses

I don’t want to break down

But I fear it will come some day

And I won’t remember who I am

On the other side of the mask

Help me.

Why am I alive? I don’t know, I ask myself that daily, I should have been dead, but I am unscarred, untouched.

Because I am alive, I am able to fulfill my mission here before I move on. I believe in that.

And that is what keeps me living.

But it does not stop my ugly thoughts from spinning contortions of reality.

That is why I started an Ugly Works section for these thoughts.

I can be ugly too.

Let me sleep, dream of beautiful lands and flowers.
lovely places, endless seas, washing over me… bringing me to another place.
of fairies and kind angels, of elementals and devas…
Abundance of love and kindness, sharing the harvest with all…
In this dream I am in heaven and playing with my brother.

“DON’T WAKE ME UP” I screamed when the lights go on.

Into this nightmare I come, evil breeds resentment and greed
selfish discourteous self serving creatures abound the steel infested buildings
smokey roads and rushing trains and screeching tires and smashing keys
piercing nails and haunting screams of used & abused kind hearted souls
thrown into boxes left to die without a care or shit in this hellish place

“I want to be back where I came from, and I don’t want to return to this nightmare” I said to myself.

I looked into the mirror and sliced my throat with a knife.
I see my life dripping away, as I grew weaker and weaker… and the familiar darkness sets in

I am in bliss once more.

I feel like screaming till the world fades away
Falling in an endless dark pit

Till i reach the bottom of the darkness
Where there is nothing, void.

In this void I feel there is nothing there to be afraid
There is nothing to think about
Or nothing to fear

In this void I sink further into a deeper depression
Not wanting to wake up into this horrid world
Not wanting to ever face this ugly human race

I swear and curse in the bottom of the pit
Where no one can hear me
I bury my head in my hands

This pathetic soul, this pathetic human
So weak, so vulnerable
So undeserving of love.

Fuck this place, I screamed
As i tore my mask and threw it onto the floor
I stomp on it repetitively, till it breaks into two.

I pick up that mask and wear it on my face
Now, there is two of me -

One horrid one beautiful
One kind, one cruel
One giving, one selfish
One hatred, one loving

My duality is complete.