Music, is the answer to my soul.

When I was a young girl, my mother was a classical piano teacher. My waking moments were filled with peace and joy. For days and nights, our home sung of music. Her students came from all walks of life to find the answers to life – through music. They practiced and she taught, they learnt and she guided. The fondest memories were of those times, were life was simple. The pursuit of art was the answer, and that the world revolved around the classics.

I never learnt the piano. Till today, I am questioned why. My mother was a beautiful pianist, well known in music circles and amongst her friends for her fine craft, why, did not her daughter continue her legacy? I knew the answer, I was simply not a musician. I am simply, a writer at heart. Our expression of artistry, our execution, was different. I was not her, and she is not me.

In my?earliest?childhood, our weekends were spent viewing performances in Victoria Concert Hall. ?I remember falling asleep in most of the performances, for I did not understand. I did not understand how powerful music can be as a form of communication. I did not understand how music can call out to our soul. I did not understand these, so I slept in my lullabies and dreamt of another world where I can create and be in.

Over time, my appreciation for music deepened. I started to realise why, why my emotions are stirred and moved by the black and white keys on the piano, why, my heart cries when I sing of pain, why, my soul sings when I hear the voice of an angel. My emotions, awoke with the sound of music. For my emotions had been dormant, it has been numbed and hollowed.

There was once I asked my mother why did she pursue music.

She answered,?”Music is a universal language, and has no barriers. For it is the most powerful language on earth.”

I finally understand why.

Tango is a male dominated dance, and naturally, ladies will have to follow in the footsteps of their male counterparts, without any signals, she can’t move. Only when he leads, she follows. When he stops, she stops. The mixture of signals to go forward or backward is provocative, yet alluring.

It is a dance that lures you forward, but pushes you backwards unexpectedly. It is the thrill of the chase, the thrill of seduction and romanticism, and the fear of rejection and abandonment by your lover. Will he proceed? Or will he go backwards? That constant fear will never leave the viewers, that is why the atmosphere in Milonga’s are solemn… to the point that the question of happiness is abated.

I have an issue when dancing tango, that is to give up my control to the male leading the dance. It is something I find very difficult to do, that level of submission is beyond me. In my daily life, I always have to feel in control, and that causes my anxiety levels to soar (especially during work). The gift of submission to the dance partner, causes a fear, what if, he does not lead properly and causes me to sprain my ankle? What if, he directs me to an incoming path of a train? (crazy thoughts, but yes, they go through my mind)

In my view, submission is a gift, and can be achieved through partner dancing. When I was learning Modern Jive while in Melbourne, I noticed a woman who had serious issues with the male leading the dance, her resentment is so strong in her expression, that I could feel her mistrust and disassociation. Her dance was rough and unforgiving, her movements tough and unmoving. That was the ugliest dance I ever seen, and from that, I realised that feminism is not the answer to partner dancing.

There is a fine line between masculinity and femininity for women. If a woman is too masculine, she would be viewed as too tough, if she is to soft, she will be viewed as vulnerable. It is that conflict every woman in the 21st century has to face – to embrace or disgrace feminism, to be independent or dependent. That constant conflict is the source of many martial disputes and – divorce – for when a woman is unable to resolve her inner conflicts – she is unable to dance smoothly with her life partner – and that leads to seperation.

Dance is after all, an expression of life, and life is an expression of dance.

I have developed a screen play on a psychological thriller film, which is around 10 pages, can be filmed on relatively low budget. I am looking for a independent director to turn it into a reality.

Synopsis

A story about a young girl who decides to become his pet to prove her love for her domineering possessive lover.

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Please PM me for more details, thank you.

Synopsis
An amazing production based on a story on a ballerina who has to embrace her fragility and corruption – by acting as both the white swan (who needs a lover to release her from a swan’s body), and the black swan (who steals her lover away).

In her everyday life, she behaves as a dutiful daughter who listens to her mother like a virginal child. Her evil twin kept hidden in the recesses of her unconsciousness, waiting for the chance to release itself.

Her strive for extreme perfectionism leads to her unwillingness to let go of her duality – for it contains pure lust and corruption.

After a night of drinks, her sultry twin betrays her, and she becomes a seductress – and her nemesis is born.

Towards the end, the black swan kills her – and releases itself – and perfection is achieved.

Reflection

On reflection, the inner struggles of our everyday lives is representative of the struggle she faces as the white and black swan. We have our angels and demons, our lust and passions, for good or evil. This duality is what makes this world complete. For without duality, there will not be black or white.

We constantly fight to retain our goodness and forsake our evil intentions. However, there is no such perfection – for good and evil lies within the same person. Likewise, an evil person will try to kill all the goodness in his soul to become truly evil – only to realise that he has compassion in his heart.

Personally, I struggle daily with my demons. The ability to feel deeply for others can be a blessing and curse. Sometimes its better not to know what lies in the deep end of the spectrum, for once contamination sets in – it is irreversible. I would rather be innocent and kind, but the world is not kind to the good hearted. And to win – is to be truly heartless.

Hence, like the character in the story, I have an evil twin. As much as I try to suppress it inside, it desires to be released, or she haunts my dreams and fills my hands with blood. In the most unexpected moments, she takes over my body and transcends into who I am.

Why hold yourself back, when you are meant what you are meant to be?

On today’s lazy sunny Sunday afternoon, we decided to try the newly opened Thai Massage place in the city. It felt like were we indeed walking into Thailand from the shop’s entrance. The receptionist and masseur are native Thais, and the shop’s decor was inspired by Thai Buddhism statues and artworks. I noticed an orchid sitting on the pillow of the massage chair and wondered for a moment when was the last time I saw such colourful flowers in cold, gloomy Melbourne. The temporal exoticism of paradise recalled my memories of tropical islands and crystal clear blue waters, batik silk and wooden canoe boats. A shock came over my senses when the female Thai masseur greeted us in a subservient and demure tone, which was very unexpected of a female in an equal western society. Or maybe, I myself as a woman had been transformed to be assertive in my speech to be taken as seriously, that being demure is a sign of weakness.

J and I went hunting for mooncakes in Chinatown and found the most gorgerous colourful looking mooncakes in white almond, purple yam and green tea flavours. We feasted our eyes in the asian grocery store carrying a range of japanese snacks, chinese dumplings, malaysian coconut cream and vietnamese paste. J settled for Kimchi soup for dinner, while I preferred australian wine with cheese, and fresh strawberries with melted dark chocolate on the side. I cuddled contentedly on my bed from the feast to dream of my lullabies.

I hope you like the new look of my blog. For some time, I have been procrastinating to change it to reflect more on the style of writing I had developed over the years.

I am quite happy at the new look and feel of this template as it gives a more emotive feel to my writings.

If I have 48 hours in a day instead of 12 hours (half of which I spend on sleeping and doing nothing), it would be so much better.

I am thinking of buying a special kind of pen that records what is hand written, and transferred electronically to the computer using a USB drive. This way, I can write on my notebooks and transfer the writings later on to my computer and upload them quickly onto my blog. The only downside is this pen costs AUD$148. Is it worth the investment?

Girl with Guitar photo shoot with my Daisy Rock Guitar (Candy Series – 5 String Bass)

Collaboration with Ejun Low Photography.

Vampire photoshoot at Melbourne Central Cemetery

Collaboration with Jemapela Photography

Gothic photoshoot at Supreme Court, Singapore

Photography by Akai Chew