I got so seriously owned by The Bitter Mistress:

You know what I hate more than breaking a chip in the salsa? More than mechanics who think I need help filling a tire? More than the fact that the fat bastard that lives above me takes his morning shower at the EXACT SAME TIME as me, thereby using all of the hot water? Emo feminist bloggers who only have one or two posts on each page. Way to ensure that I’ll never read your missives about consumerism, love, the service industry, or stress again. Oh and how about a blog post that’s one big, fucking giant ad? I don’t care if you’re goddamn Mark Twain with a vagina, I despise one-post-per-page blogs and ad-like posts. I hate how this blog is nearly impossible to navigate due to the fact that, even if I had the desire to click “older posts,” it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to get to the home page (click on her name). I hate this blog so hard right now. I hate that I’m missing I Love the New Millennium: 2002 to write about how much I hate this blog.

The writing? It’s obtuse and pretentious only in the way a 20-year-old with “thoughts” can be, with only the fear of my cats eating my face off to prevent me from stabbing myself in the eyes repeatedly until I’m dead after reading them. Her posts are grammatically correct, but that’s about the only visceral response to them that I can muster. Maybe I’m old and jaded, but I just can’t get excited about 2 dozen posts that essentially boil down to “OMG, who am I? Where am I going? Why is the world fucked up? Get a free computer!” I’m not trying to be mean, but these are thoughts that every college kid has before they are brutally crushed by the weight of the real world. Yawn.

The blog design is nothing special, I’ve seen it used several times before, so the bottom half navigation thing doesn’t blow me away like it did 2 years ago when I first saw it. It’s minimalist, even a little beautiful, and I’d like it a lot more if post navigation wasn’t such a goddamn clusterfuck.

Your blog, therefore you’re introspective and cool. You’re cultured and worldly and you obviously have every right to besmirch the web with your crap. Uh, not really, poseur.

Resubmit when you graduate and start working a soul-crushing office job where everyone’s sleeping with each other and your cube neighbor has chronic flatulence.

Averal: I was fucking torn apart by Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon