There were days.. I would sit in front of my keyboard with a blank white screen. Nothing comes out from my finger tips. My tormented mind, wanting to reveal the truth, anger screams in my head… “Out with it… OUT with it…” My fingers, frozen still, unable to move an inch.
On nights like this… I cry myself to sleep…
Nothing is more frustrating than being unable to express my emotions…
On days like this, I hate myself deeply.
I hated myself so much, that I broke my core into two – the Artist and Logic.
—-
Logic tells me, I should be working hard. I should make more money, like all my peers – build a career, acquire the latest gadgets, look pretty and attract the right guys… be socially acceptable like all the others. “Don’t move out of your comfort zone! It is dangerous. It is going to kill you. You have to stay alive!” Listen to Logic, he is always right. He will protect you.
You will be accepted, Logic promises me.
—–
The Artist tells me, break free of control. “You are so controlled, look at your anxiety levels, its spiraling out of the roof. You can’t sleep at night, you can’t write as you used to, you can’t… be yourself. You have to be free… you have to let go. Be yourself. Trust me. I know what your heart wants. I know that not everyone is going to accept you, and see who you really are. I reassure you, you are beautiful inside, and if they can’t see it in you, you should care less.”
You will be happy and at ease, the Artist promises me.
—-
For years, I faced them daily. They are always in my mind. I continued to ignore my the Artist. I grew numb to the emotions. I grew numb to pain. I climbed the career ladder, and played the twisted game of life…
For centuries, I tried and tried
To reach the top of the mountain
The mountain Logic told me to climb,
Thinking, when I get there, I will find my happiness.
I finally reached the top.
I was barely breathing,
exhausted from the tough journey.
To my dismay;
It was empty.
There was nothing at the top.
Just more emptiness.
My reality crashed.
It was a lie.
It was unreal
All the things they taught in school
All the things they told me to do
They all lead to… nothing.
…
That is the story of my life. The pain I went through, seeking for something I did not find. I pressed the reset button. I am back at square zero. I started a new life, and made new resolutions.
You were right all along, Artist. I should have listened to you.
I looked back at my journey, and realise that Logic taught me many lessons:
1) There is no right or wrong.
2) Logic cannot be trusted.
3) I should trust my instincts
4) I should not care less to be socially accepted or whatever.
5) At the end of it all, in the craze of the material world, there is only emptiness.
As part of my new resolution, I drew up several things:
1) I will not hold back, I will be who I am 100%
2) I will not be affected by what people think of me
3) I will continue in my exploration of life
4) I will do what my heart tells me to do, from this moment on.
I am… finally at ease with The Artist.
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AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
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