I have been at my most moody, most depressed state over the course of two weeks. Facing fears and pain head on, is not advisable for the faint hearted. Not that I am that strong emotionally or whatever, but it is testing my limits, like repeatedly pulling a rubber band till it extends and extends, hoping, it won’t break. If it tears, the process have to restart. Maybe then, I won’t be who I am anymore, but rubber band version 2.
I got to admit, that writing is an act of testing limits. It is a push pull effect, to be better, but yet, normal, excellent, yet stupid. I don’t know how much F words I had used on the people around me, and they are ones who are most deeply hurt, yet the ones who love me the most. I am a messed up monstrous demonic being at home, like one with an anti social personality disorder, especially when I am greatly obsessed during working hours.
Now, I have extended my working hours to cover every single minute of my day, because I refuse to let my life wither in self pity or decay, as time is running short. Life to me, is like a candle flame, someone can snub it out, someone else can add oxygen, or whatever. But like all candles, once it melts into nothingness, it becomes no more, no matter how many times the fire is relighted, the wick is gone. That is our timeline on this planet. The very limited, pathetic, and sad existence.
As I struggle in the murky muddy mess of self pity, I refuse to not put up a fight before I stink into the stink hole of regrets. Once, I saw a facebook update from an old classmate, she posted, “It is hard not to be depressed at the current state the world is.” Spot on, I liked the post immediately. This effect is enhanced is especially so for people who travel widely, we see more beauty and luxury in the richest, wealthiest cities in the world, but on the other end of the spectrum, there are people dying of starvation, when there are obese people all around. It is hard not to feel, unless one is numb, which, i increasingly find, that most people are numb to their surroundings anyway, especially in the city we live in.
In the city, all you need is power and money, and the whole world falls at your feet, trying to chip away parts of you, for themselves, like parasites growing on a tree. You run the economy at your disposal, whims and fancies, like a monarch. This time, people have to depend on you for survival, their daily existence an extension of the fruits you bear, and the gifts you shower on them. In the quest to grow bigger and bigger, you consume more resources, you conquer the whole forest, and grow into an all almighty tree, topping all the other little trees that you don’t give a fck about in the process. At last, you are the last tree standing, and all the other trees around you are dead.
In my most morbid perception of the world, accounting that I spent five years in business school, I learnt more ugliness than anything else. I witnessed my classmates backstabbing each other, making use of each other, trying to climb on top of each other, for the best grades, in this ultra competitive landscape they are raised and “nurtured” in. Their self esteem way beyond saving, the bad habits of smoking inbetween lessons and clubbing on alternate days. Stealing notes and leeching onto geeks for projects so they don’t have to do anything constructive. Just wasting their youth and their parents blood money on obscene levels of tuition fees (which could probably be used for a investment property down payment). Thank god, most of them did not made it through the diploma level. I finally found salvation studying with mature students after progressing to the degree level. I regained a tiny bit of hope, after witnessing their hard felt efforts in holding a part time job and juggling their studies at the same time, not particular excelling (they looked stoned in class from tiredness), but still, they are trying, although not as fortunate as the diploma batch of spoiled children.
Behind every facade, especially the gleaming bright ones, there is an ugliness, a decay, the losers, you can call it, or rats, running in the sewers, trying to… survive. They crawl and prowl, hiss and intimidate. They want to be the winners too, the underdogs. They will always be lurking there, in this dark corners in the hidden recesses of our minds, trying to conquer, to overtake, and soar.. like the rest, towering above them, stepping on them, telling them, they are just… a rat.
….
“But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I’m not around
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special”
Radiohead – Creep Lyrics
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AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
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