Dear Vincent,
I don’t know if you are real or unreal. I don’t know if I am the only woman in your life, or I am just… the other woman. I don’t want to be lied or deceived to. I had enough.
Last Valentine’s Day, I received a gift. A gift of a ring. He said it was a proposal. I was so happy. He got a friend to witness the whole event. I was in joy for a week, in total bliss and relaxation. I could see a future for us. I spent the week looking at the ring on my finger and daydreaming about the home I would like to decorate with objects that I fancied. I dreamt of a safe heaven, a little world, where I can create for my family. A week later, he said, it was not an engagement. Although he did put the ring on the fourth finger on my right hand, it was not an engagement. It was just. a… gift.
I saw my dreams of the future crushed in an instant, all ruined and trashed… the porcelain and furniture of my dream Victorian home turned upside down and broken. I felt my soul sinking into an ocean, deeper and deeper… as I close my eyes… watching the last remaining rays of light filtering through the ocean depths. I had a recurring dream that I am sinking endlessly into the depths of the unknown… and that dream could not end. I just want it to end. I don’t want to dream of this sinking feeling no more. I want to escape this hell.
After that incident, my heart was crushed completely. I no longer had the energy to aim for anything in my life. I felt my life is completely meaningless. It is utterly pointless for me to go on living, and trying to prove my existence is something worth living, when in fact there is nothing to live for when all evidence points at hopelessness. There are so much holes in my soul, the holes inflicted by those who can’t care less, who do not recognize that they are dealing with another human being. After all, I was treated like an object. An object of fancy, used because it looks pretty, thrown away when it loses its functionality. Like a toy.
Till today, I feel my life had been sapped out of my being. I had been through so much, so much… disappointments. On some days I feel despondent. On some days, I feel a a tinge of hope. Some days I imagine that I would live in my old age with cats. Maybe. One thing I never gave up believing in is, love that transcends the material.
The big question I had yet to answer myself, is what is love? To me, love is all consuming. It kills yet it renews, it destroys yet energizes. It is something that can be helpful or harmful. It is how we use this energy to create something beautiful.
I have yet to create this new world of beauty, and had lived in despair for so long because of all the deception and pain. I still believe in love and beauty. I never gave up believing. I was on the verge of giving up. I was on the verge of submitting to my fate as a trophy wife or being a mistress. I rarely, and still rarely, do see today – the happy endings that my friends deserve. I see them in practical living arrangements, for convenience, for practicality. I don’t see the love in their eyes when they look at each other, I don’t feel their emotions when they kiss. I don’t feel them. They are just together, because the society forces them to be together, for survival.
I never wanted to submit myself to such a fate, or such an arrangement that my soul deeply abhors. Countless of times, I was asked if I wanted to be in an open relationship, or just be friends with benefits… but i have rejected all this absurd requests because I believe in love. Unfortunately, most people don’t understand this. They don’t understand that they are defiling their soul by separating lust and love. They are numbing themselves further by not knowledging their deepest insecurities and are closing their hearts to what is actually good for them.
I still do, and will forever believe in love and marriage.
Yours Sincerely,
Scarlet Queen
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AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
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