Another stupid night that my pillow is wet again. Why can’t I just snuff out my tears like a candle? It is pouring like the rain.
How I feel – sometimes I can’t answer that question. I feel so distant so dissociative so third party point of view that it is hard to relate with any empathy.
I feel so despondent. The hopelessness equates more than the sadness. Or maybe it’s the sum of the whole equation because sadness is not even felt when hope has been blanked out like how liquid paper erases ink.
Hopelessness.
Is a more accurate word for how I feel because it has come to a point there is no longer sadness that I feel when my tears pour it’s like just an mechanised fountain of tears without a stop button and nothing more.
There are no more emotions left in my voice except anger. Maybe a sprinkle of désappointement. My keyboard is going haywire with français. Trying to join a series of disconnected parts as a disjointed whole. Mending the shards of of a glass case with super glue. That’s what I am – broken.
Broken.
Maybe before I die I might see the clear blue sky at the cliffs again. And the laughing children at the playground by the beach. That renewed sense of wonder and amazement of what life could possibly be.
But of course it never happened.
That happy ending seems more and more
Elusive with each passing day as I drift
Further and further away from feeling
Anything but nothing at all.
Hope.
I really want to hope. Like how a child believes fairies exist – I want to believe in the smallest of sense that hope exist in a fairytale world we could have created together.
But of course it is all gone now.
All empty. Now, I do not believe in fairies
nor hope.
It has been too close
And forcefully removed
Too many times
That it is only after so much times
You begin to lose the faith.
And maybe being alone
With no hope of the future is a better outcome than
having any faith at all and being disappointed once again if it all doesn’t come true.
My diamond has been cracked.
Into shards that only reflected mirages.
I offer no hope
but only pain and pleasure.
That’s all it is.
That’s all it is.
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AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
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