Deprivation of love, is like deprivation of oxygen.
I think I had gone too long without breathing with love. My words had dried up as emotions were sucked out of them. As it is with writing, writing is controlled by emotional states. When one’s emotional state is numbed, the words do not flow. Like a dried tap, my words were devoid of any emotions for a long time. They were almost academic, almost still. They did not jump off page, they are just static. Why does my writings feel so lifeless? I ask myself sometimes. It took me some time to realise that I had been deprived of love since I was a child. The deprivation of love is the most painful emotion in the world that one can ever experience. Love came to me in twisted forms, and mangled shapes. It appeared to me like a curse, or a burden. Love was in the form of punishments and obedience. Love was conditional, and it was expected for love to occur, I have to do something in return. I have to keep quiet, do my home work, remain invisible.
Love was not present in my life, love was deprived of my life.
The lack of love, is the fundamental reason why I am unable to see myself in the mirror.
To accept myself for who I am, to believe in myself.
For years I had been told to be someone else.
Only recently I gained a breakthrough in my mindset in regards to this; that I am deserving of love.
I no longer want to deprive myself of the love that I deserve, and that I need.
I want to feel my fans worship me, instead of brushing it off.
I want to feel loved and adored.
I want love, and I want love to dissolve all my pain.
I had started to believe in love, and in hope once again.
Not for others but for myself.
I will mend the pieces of my broken life
And welcome love into my life again.
I never thought I would have the courage to do this, but I had decided I am deserving and I will move on from this point.
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AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
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