I used to be rather elitist when I was younger. This is something I dislike to admit, but I have to admit it so. I would attribute a huge part of this flaw to being in a school that promotes that line of thought. That being part of an elite school is somewhat of a genetic entitlement and all other schools are “below” us. When I went to a non elite high school, I carried that thought with me that I was born superior to others.
What evidenced this further was that in the non elite school, their command of the English language was far below my proficiency. I would correct people’s factual information mid way when they are talking. I would correct their sentence structure. I would do all sorts of elitist things like competing and being top in games. I would exert authority based on this false sense of self entitlement.
Being in a society that promotes this elitism and social class divisions based on what car or house one stays in further corroded my mindset. Although meritocratic in structure, the society I live in is ruled similarly to Sparta. There were policies that are geared to graduates marrying each other to pass their genetics to the next generation. It is as warped as a utopia ruled like a Disneyland with divisions on which areas could be accessed based on what affiliations or memberships one held. The enclosed culture soon self destructed inwards as globalisation occurred at a speed faster than any authoritative body could predict.
I am glad to say now, the island I live in is no longer as elitist and enclosed as it used to be in the past. My educational years in Australia showed me that class divisions are a societal construct and it did not exist. No one is born superior or better than others. We are all humans, and all humans deserve a basic right to freedom. The construct of elitism is meant to control the population to keep them in a state of helplessness that they are not “entitled” to a voice.
As I broke out of this elitist thoughts, I lost my first love. He firmly believed that the Chinese race was genetically superior to all other races, and males are superior to females. When I lost him, I lost that part of me that used to be part of the construct. I let go of all attachments to whom I believed myself to be, based on what everyone else told me who I was.
I removed the layers of conditioning that wrapped me in a state of self handicap. In this unbinding process, I let go of several key things:
1. The need to look good.
I no longer wear make up, or my high heels or branded goods unless there is a formal occasion. But this doesn’t mean I don’t have to keep fit, I still go to the gym for health reasons.
2. I let go of the need to blend in.
I removed the chatter and gossip of friends who continuously compared who has what and who knows who. Who gives a dam if he owns a big house or big car!? That doesn’t make him a better or worse person. I would rather talk about what we can do about our life work today, that will aid the future generations towards a better tomorrow.
3. I let go of expectations
I no longer expect anything. If it happens it happens. I had reached a transient, zen state relationship to the world around me. I learnt to be patient, kind and understanding. I used to determine and control the outcome of everything by my own efforts in my egomania of relishing in control over everything. Now, I try to let it be. Although that darker side of my competitive streak comes out, I let it be and I don’t suffocate and kill off my opponents like I used to. I would overwhelm them and let them live instead, so we can fight another day.
4. I accepted my duality
I accept my duality as one complete me. My light and dark natures allow me to function at a high speed and level that even surprises myself. This internal self mastery is a relatively new revelation to myself, as I let these two states control my life as I watched like an observer. Actually, I was afraid that I was both of them.
5. I let go of self loathing
I used to be quite disgusted at myself for having such a flawless score. Why can’t anyone be better? As a child, I would put in one coin in the arcade game machine and I could play for half an hour to an hour before I would finally lose. Especially Puzzle Bobble. Everyone else have to wait for me to fail the game for their turn. But I would play on forever, even with just one coin. Even if they challenged me, they would lose, even if they used more then ten coins. You could imagine what a terror I was in front of boys. They would run away from me and refuse to play with me after having been defeated so many times by a “girl”.
When I played against others in my neighbourhood on games like Pokemon and Digimon, I formulated my strategies in an unconventional way. (who would train a Clefairy!? What element is that creature!?) I would beat the system of most games I played. I competed Pokemon Silver within three days although I could not read Japanese.
I would sign off my name as AVER on every arcade game machine at the end of the day, so everyone knew who I was. How disillusioned I was. In reality I was seeking for validation, for someone to come up to me and tell me, “you are great.” That never happened, so I spiraled in a loop of self loathing of trying to be better and better and never being enough. Instead of waiting for that external self validation, I let go of the need to prove myself.
…
As the construct fell in my unbinding process, I realised that true freedom lies on the other side. I have nothing to prove, for I am nothing. The only area in life that needs to be addressed is happiness. I will talk about this in another post.
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AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
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