There was no love, no beauty, no soul, radiating out of my writings or creative works for the past few years. For as far as a I can remember, I bottled my emotions in a jar and never let it out. I was afraid of showing the world who I was, and being up to something bigger than myself. I kept myself locked in a cage in a self inflicted masochistic suffering for no reason. It was a small game, and it made me grew smaller, and smaller till I lost significance of who I was.
I covered my insecurities with acquiring wealth, with travels, with luxury fine dining and goods. I ran away from my family and friends for years in circles, and I never confronted my past. I would not commit to anything, but I did the very basic things to survive life by getting things out of others, to the point of being manipulative. I was in a bad shape, and I never looked at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted with the way I was. I would not look at myself in the mirror, for I see nothing reflected back at me.
To myself, I am a disgusting human being who is dirty, unclean and filthy. As much as I try to upkeep my appearances by diligently following a set of skin care and work out routines, deep inside me I abhor the way I looked. I wondered why people kept staring at me. Why did they keep looking at me. Why people kept asking if I am actress, if I am Eurasian, if I am this and that, and why can’t they just speak to me as the way I am.
I traced my ancestry and there is not a slight drop of European genes in my genetics although my hair and eye colour is dark brown. It is a genetic mutation. Being of a unique exotic look meant I was the center of every social situation attention. I hated how I look. Why can’t I be pure chinese, or ordinary looking, why can’t I just blend in and be like everyone else. Why can’t I be… why was a gifted with a look that made me stand out from others?
It is the difference in the way I look that made me an outcast in school, I would get caught every year for dying my hair although I didn’t. My hair appears copper red under sunlight. It is naturally occurring. My tuition teacher would put my hair under the lamp light and examine it, wondering why my hair colour is brownish copper red. He came up with a theory it was iron production. Whatever it is, I was disgusted with my genetics, that I didn’t fit in or belonged to any social situation.
There was no love, no beauty, no nothing. There was angst, hate, disgust, destruction from within me. I would dream about what zombies to kill, how to dominate my opponents in the online games I was engaged in, how to conquer fortresses and how to manage teams of people to do so. I was nominated guild leader in a number of guilds, and my last post was being a guild officer of a top ranked guild in world of warcraft before my best friend and I decided to quit gaming to pursue our life dreams. Everywhere I went, leadership followed me like a shadow, but I never responded to the calling. I never faced who I was and I ran away from my creations, my shadows, my past and my future. I spiraled downwards to the point I was too exhausted to run, too feeble to resist, and too weakened – that I stopped avoiding.
By facing my past present and future fully, I am regaining the reins of my life, restoring the parts of my identity I rejected, and being a whole and complete person by making a declaration of who I am to the world. That it is my word that who I am is to radiate love and beauty in all my relationships, and contribute knowledge to the future generations to come. I accept the way I look in the mirror, and I no longer hate my genes. I accept that I have a unique look and that’s what I am gifted with. I will use my gifts to contribute to the world, and be beyond who I am by being there for others. I will create reality by consideration by consciously creating the world I want to see today and I will no longer run away from who I am.
 |
AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
Learn about secrets to flawless make-up free skin at DR Secret 
