Last night and today, I wept and smiled to myself. I am not drunk, on drugs or anything. I am just feeling what I am feeling and letting it go. I used to stop myself from crying and rewire my brain to stay focused on work or distractions. Now, when I want to tear, I just let the tears flow. I am not sad, I am just letting go. These tears want to flow. I am in peace. It’s an entirely new experience to feel peaceful while tears roll down my cheeks. I am in grief, but I am free.
Last night I dreamt of my first love in my teenage years. For years I had avoided him and went to the extent of telling him I hated him. Our love was pure and wholesome. We were two teenagers lost in each other arms as we watched movies after movies after weekends after weekends and we spent time in arcades and lan shops playing computer games.
His parents were doctorate holders who studied in the states on scholarships. He was the only son, and the great great grand nephew of the author who wrote the “A Letter to My Wife” whom sacrificed his life to overthrow the monarchy in China. He was Taiwanese. He would share stories after stories of how his grandfather escaped by boat from the communist to Taiwan and left their wealth and businesses behind. He would share stories of how his distant ancestors were advisers to the Emperor of China.
He would send me hundreds of black and white text messages throughout the day when smartphones did not exist. He would hug me till our friends made fun of us being intimate in public. He talked marriage once we turned 21 and his dreams to be scientist and get his doctorate. He talked about working in laboratories with rats for his internship. He would include me in every step of his path and he wished for me to be dependent on him and not study. I know, this is the part now. He did not want me to have any ambition. He preferred me to be subservient to him and all his wishes. He had a strong opinion of being a provider.
It did not work out for both of us as I had my own ambitions and plans to be more than just his wife. We split after years of being bonded in every aspect. I dreamt of him last night and all our happy times walking by a pond with mandarin ducks swimming in pairs and watching the fireworks on Taipei 101 building. I recalled the way he would sweetly call his mum “mama” in a childish way even in front of all our friends who made fun of him being so soft.
I recalled him calling me by my Chinese name and refusing to call me by my English name. I recalled all these beautiful aspects of our relationship although I hated him for years for trying to suppress my interests and dreams by insisting I should follow him, and listen to him. He would always insist he was smarter than I am because of his genetics. I used to hold so much grudges against that I had to score well academically and go to university precisely because he was always belittling my intelligence.
Now, I finally let that all go and saw for once he loved me for who I was and he was the only person in my life whom I did consider spending the remaining dying days with. I could listen to his stories all day. His sincerity in his words, and his tenderness in his touch. I loved his brilliance, his gentleness. His chauvinism (as much as I disliked it as well). He was my soul mate, my love and my everything. For years and years, I never loved anyone but used my lovers for my own means. I used my lovers as distractions to my pain. There was no one other than him. No one as special as my first love. No one who treated me the way he treated me as he went to the ends of the world to make me happy by appearing at my doorstep with my favourite bubble tea.
I finally saw all these beautiful things of our relationship although it ended years ago. I finally cried tears of sorrow instead of tears of pain. I finally felt the full extent of our love that I had so foolishly denied to pursue my own ambitions and be opposite to everything he knew of me. From that sweet innocent girl, I turned into a man eating monster with an insatiable lust for accomplishments. I realised now, that it was a foolish thing I did. I should have accepted and parted ways based on incompatibility instead of proving him wrong. There was nothing to prove after all, our love was transcendent.
Over the years I watched him deteriorate in his body and mind as he fell into addictions and distractions as he dropped out of school and eventually dropped out of working. He is still depressed and did not ever recover from the lost of the love we once had. Out of guilt I had tried many ways to leave him in a happier place by talking to his close friends. I never succeeded as the guilt remained with me. I had chosen today consciously to let go of this gulit. I had done my best for our relationship, and I am ready to let go now.
As I write this letter, tears are falling from my cheeks, onto dress, onto my arms. I feel happy to shed these tears of grief and sorrow. I love him. My first love will forever be in my heart and my remaining days.
 |
AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
Learn about secrets to flawless make-up free skin at DR Secret 
