For the past few days I was filled with excitement as I read up everything I could about London. I booked six theatre shows and memorized the areas for walking trails. I booked a place near the heart of the city, ready to take it on and explore in depth into the London scene.
There is deep disappointment in my heart, however, as I seem not to know anyone from London. Alone in this stretch of my journey, I finally feel lost, isolated, and to the point I almost felt like crying when i misplaced my keys. I only misplace my keys when I feel very anxious and the last time I felt so much anxiety was the first day at university in a sprawling campus and I was lost in directions to rush for my lecture.
I ask myself what was my mistakes in trying to make London friends but I can’t seem to make or keep any. I had visited many countries and staying over on friends sofas. I ask myself why has my relationship with Londoners fail and I find myself sighing.
I never intended to come alone. It was a matter of circumstances that made this trip so lonely. A part of me now yearns to visit my relatives residing in the UK outside London. But then again, I hope there is a better tomorrow and I will learn to move on from this point.
You name is what is left on every part of my naked skin in red ink.
When I wake up, I see nothing but your name all over my arms and legs. I will be constantly reminded that I belong to no one but you.
It’s beautiful isn’t it. Your name, all over my flesh. Like a mask, it conceals my flesh in body art. The intricate cravings of the letters of your name on my flesh. In my ultimate submission towards you and only you.
In the mirror,
there is no me.
There is only you. The true Master.
The Master of my desires.
I screamed your name in my dreams. Please!
Take me, into your dark paradise.
Don’t turn back.
Just take me under your cape and let me serve
Under your soles
Tear my soul apart with your unrealistic demands
Take me as your captive
Mutilate me with your name
I am yours Master. I am yours Master. I am yours Master. I am yours Master.
Over my useless body…
Please!
Tattoo my skin in red and tear my soul apart.
I am only yours in your cage of freedom.
Why do I feel alive when you chastise me with that mixture of hate and love? That pity and admiration. That twisted look in your eyes.
are trying to drag me below the waters, I struggled to breathe. I struggled to pull myself out, but there is no island. Just a vast blue sea. Alone. It’s a battle, against those hands and my will to live. My resolve was turning weak. I had never felt at peace. It’s just a big black hole. Going inside. Going outside. Growing in mosses. Growing weeds.
I have nothing left, nothing left. There is nothing to take except my body. Those hands, grabbing my hands and legs, pulling me down. They just want everything that is left of me. But that’s not what it is, it’s not my body that they want, they want my soul.
A deafening sound shrieked through the oceans. The sound of an orca. The killer whale. The hands disappeared. I found myself on the back of the whale, as it lifted me up and away to safe land…
Can’t sleep. You are on my mind. Dancing in my mind. There you are, calling out to me. That soft whispers. That laugh. You are behind that camera. You snap. No, you did not snap. Click, the sound goes off. Yet another day. Another time. That I am thinking about you. We are in the neo print machine booth. Waves crashing, sun rising. We are together on the hills. I fell. Into the icy ocean depths, this time it was pitch black dark. There is no one could can see me. No one who can hear me.
I am free. Swimming beneath. Downwards. Spirals. More spirals. Deep. There is no emotions down there, just a blank state. That blank state of having nothing. There are no more whispers and no more memories.
It’s peaceful and quiet. Is this how death is like? In the limbo state where nothing moves of changes?
Let’s end it. I don’t know. But just pull that trigger. So I can be free.
