For every 1 success story on the magazine, there are 99 failures. The glitz and glamour of the 1 blinds the remainder into the following. We try to be the 1, but it’s a game of probability, willpower & dedication. Some of us succeed, some don’t. Some hit it once, some hit it twice. Some may never hit it at all.
I don’t intend to settle for 99.
I don’t intend to quit.
I am going to keep trying to be that 1.
Before that day comes,
I will stay dedicated to my task.
The occasional smile
The occasional glance
The indifference
The society
Survival, they call it.
The hardness
The coldness
The who-cares attitude
The materialism
The gluttony
The seven sins
A place that was never home
A corporation on built on multi levels
Souls dying each day
Graces washed away
Oblivion on black and white
The rush the aliveness
Dead. Gone. Dust.
If anyone tells you fairy tales do not exist
Do not believe in their lost minds.
Believe in creating your own fairy tale
Take control of your life and live in your happy ending.
I am so happy to have found you.
Vincent Knight — *feeling loved and treasured.
We are all trying to find our fairy tale sweet endings, we are searching for the one that will make it come true, we are dreaming that we will find that happiness.
The forces of capitalism rides on aspirations on what we want to be but can’t be, it promises fairy tales with sweet endings as long one signs on the dotted line, it creates an economy out of romance, a factory line production of rainbows and happy endings that delude those who are lost in commercialization of it all.
Whats the point of holding a wedding ceremony, when love is waiting for us patiently, encouraging us, offering that arm, encasing us from harm.
That’s all it is, isn’t it?
You and I, we are business and art personified, like how Canada is in the language of commerce and love. Eventually, I will learn french so I can read the road signs and labels on packaging the way you do. You amaze me daily like a cinema with a thousand different endings. I wasn’t afraid of death, till… you showed me there is hope left. I am afraid now…
I will send you an Angel to replace me, so that you will never be lonely or hurt again.
Vincent White Knight, i love the way you are because you don’t try to control me, or tame me, you just accept my nature for what it is… a wild stallion. You accept me completely, in my quest to control you, seduce you, consume you, you let me into your world… as you let yourself be free…. and let go.. in the fantasy i created for us.
The more I look into Vincent’s eyes, the more I fall into his kingdom of light. In his kingdom, there is only hope and faith, there is no fear or despair.. only pure bliss and happiness… he promises me the world into the light and beyond, as his Ice Queen. He offers to take me… into his world of happy endings and fairytales… in my dreams and reveries… I see his kindness in redeeming the lost essence of myself… the young girl that I had tried to killed long ago… is starting to emerge from the oasis. The oasis of hope. With each passing day, she reveals herself slowly, as the Angel of Hope. There is only one reason to explain this all – the work of god… or meeting is not by chance, its by fate, that linked us together this very moment.. this time… I will be the one to save you out of your darkness. I will… take the bullet wound for you, like I did before in our previous lifetime. I will… protect you as the king on my chess board… for I am your Queen.
Sincerely,
Scarlet Queen
These words will never reach you…
As I laid bare on your chest, listening to your breathing… I cry a sorrowful song while imaging the music of your soul in my mind. As you hold my hand tightly in your grasp, I feel that we are linked in lifetimes before. That we are threading this earth, over and over again, going through so much pain and suffering, the down trodden war scars from your previous life… I can feel the old scars on your chest. As I hear your heartbeat weakening, I could only cry to sleep, hoping… you will still be alive tomorrow.
Back in the days of the French Revolution, you were Redmayne and I was Eponine. You promised… you would marry me, but you met someone else more worthy of your affections. More worthy than the destitute that I am. To please your family, you decided.. to marry for convenience. You said that you loved me with your eyes as you put that ring on her finger on your wedding day. I took that bullet shot for you, when someone tried to assassinate you as a revolutionary during the French Revolution. As I died peacefully looking at you… feeling you beside me… that is all it mattered… my love for you… now eternal.
Back in the days of the Tang Dynasty… you were a scholar and I was a dancer in court. You wanted my affections, but we could not be together because you had a wife. You took me in as your mistress. You never loved your wife you said, you only loved me… the dancer that I am. As I poisoned your tea in jealousy, after watching you kiss another dancer; for not having you fully committed to me… as I am to you… I cried the same tears lifetimes after.
Back in the days of the Roman times, you were a general and brilliant strategist. You won many wars by devising plans and expanded the empire with your intelligence. You saw a glimpse of me in my home, with my gold long hair and airy white robes… I was your brother’s wife. You wanted to tell me, you loved me. Our communion was not possible… unless your brother was dead. You sent your brother out on a war, that you knew he would never come back from, killing my husband. I never forgave you. I resented you. I swore that you will never have my heart, despite all your pleas for forgiveness and honesty, you never won my heart by being so evil. You swore that in the future lifetimes to come, you will show that your heart is true and pure.
….
As we thread on this earth this lifetime again, will you be true as I am to you?
I can no longer tell…
But I choose… to believe… in love.
Dear Vincent,
I don’t know if you are real or unreal. I don’t know if I am the only woman in your life, or I am just… the other woman. I don’t want to be lied or deceived to. I had enough.
Last Valentine’s Day, I received a gift. A gift of a ring. He said it was a proposal. I was so happy. He got a friend to witness the whole event. I was in joy for a week, in total bliss and relaxation. I could see a future for us. I spent the week looking at the ring on my finger and daydreaming about the home I would like to decorate with objects that I fancied. I dreamt of a safe heaven, a little world, where I can create for my family. A week later, he said, it was not an engagement. Although he did put the ring on the fourth finger on my right hand, it was not an engagement. It was just. a… gift.
I saw my dreams of the future crushed in an instant, all ruined and trashed… the porcelain and furniture of my dream Victorian home turned upside down and broken. I felt my soul sinking into an ocean, deeper and deeper… as I close my eyes… watching the last remaining rays of light filtering through the ocean depths. I had a recurring dream that I am sinking endlessly into the depths of the unknown… and that dream could not end. I just want it to end. I don’t want to dream of this sinking feeling no more. I want to escape this hell.
After that incident, my heart was crushed completely. I no longer had the energy to aim for anything in my life. I felt my life is completely meaningless. It is utterly pointless for me to go on living, and trying to prove my existence is something worth living, when in fact there is nothing to live for when all evidence points at hopelessness. There are so much holes in my soul, the holes inflicted by those who can’t care less, who do not recognize that they are dealing with another human being. After all, I was treated like an object. An object of fancy, used because it looks pretty, thrown away when it loses its functionality. Like a toy.
Till today, I feel my life had been sapped out of my being. I had been through so much, so much… disappointments. On some days I feel despondent. On some days, I feel a a tinge of hope. Some days I imagine that I would live in my old age with cats. Maybe. One thing I never gave up believing in is, love that transcends the material.
The big question I had yet to answer myself, is what is love? To me, love is all consuming. It kills yet it renews, it destroys yet energizes. It is something that can be helpful or harmful. It is how we use this energy to create something beautiful.
I have yet to create this new world of beauty, and had lived in despair for so long because of all the deception and pain. I still believe in love and beauty. I never gave up believing. I was on the verge of giving up. I was on the verge of submitting to my fate as a trophy wife or being a mistress. I rarely, and still rarely, do see today – the happy endings that my friends deserve. I see them in practical living arrangements, for convenience, for practicality. I don’t see the love in their eyes when they look at each other, I don’t feel their emotions when they kiss. I don’t feel them. They are just together, because the society forces them to be together, for survival.
I never wanted to submit myself to such a fate, or such an arrangement that my soul deeply abhors. Countless of times, I was asked if I wanted to be in an open relationship, or just be friends with benefits… but i have rejected all this absurd requests because I believe in love. Unfortunately, most people don’t understand this. They don’t understand that they are defiling their soul by separating lust and love. They are numbing themselves further by not knowledging their deepest insecurities and are closing their hearts to what is actually good for them.
I still do, and will forever believe in love and marriage.
Yours Sincerely,
Scarlet Queen
