You can never see yourself

by | | Random

No matter how much I try, I cannot see myself as much as I can observe others. I can discover some hidden talents in others, and their inner mysteries, and many more things about them. For myself, I can’t seem to do the same, I am like an observer on a vantage point of view, looking below. I can’t seem to look at myself.

In turn others can look at me, and tell me what is wrong with myself. That is when I discovered my own talents which I was absolutely not aware of. I truly appreciate their feedback and comments. Somethings just comes naturally to me, so I will not be aware of the gifts I have till someone else identifies it. It goes the same with others as well.

It makes me think again, do we do the things we do to please others or to please ourselves? Or both ways? For many of the things I consciously do, I do it to please myself first, before pleasing others. I used to like to please others by doing things they want me to do, but I realised that is not what I want to do. Thats when I stopped, and took a step back, and started to do things I want.

It is strange that we live in a world that we are so concerned with judgments on us, on the things we do and the way we look. I feel that people pass judgments too easily nowadays from the smallest of things. They tend to magnify the smallest things into the biggest things to gain publicity, and it irks me to think that the media industry is profiteering heavily from sensational news about other people’s personal lives. And that even people are buying those news, that people want to see others in misfortune. Its pretty sad isn’t it? I have stopped reading the news ages ago, now focusing on more lifestyle and self improvement orientated publications. I find more constructiveness in that, rather than to read the plight of other poor souls.

I will be printing a name card for my blog/website soon. It is called a writer’s card? Someone asked what do I do, and I told him that I am a writer, and he asked for my writer’s card, and I didn’t have one. I was slightly embrassed, bu I made it a point to print a copy. It will be so awesome.

The Victorian Romance

by | | Random

This story is dedicated to my secret lover.

———————-

I am there, waiting for you on top of the white marble stairs, wearing a beige and white Victorian evening gown with a low neckline, accentuating my cleavage and with a pearl choker on my neck. The dress fabric clinging on tightly on my skin, lace covered blouse and lavish silk trailed from my skirt all the way to the floor.

I held a white silk satin fan and covered my lips as you walked up the stairs, your eyes taking in all the beauty set before you, white circular columns surround us in front of the grand entrance to the hallway. You took off your top hat and bowed before me, and offered your right arm. I slid my left arm into yours, a sense of security swept over me and we entered the hallway.

A wide white stairs greeted us, and we proceeded up the stairs, arm in arm. I looked around the white house and gold framed paintings covered the walls with portraits and still life. You walked into the cloak room and took off your hat and removed your evening cloak, untying the string in the middle. I watched you quietly outside the room, you took out your cloak and hung it on the nob. Your manliness showed clearly in every movement. You came out of the cloak room and offered your arm once more, I held it and wondered if I am the luckiest girl in this world. I looked at your side profile and saw a man of assurance, of confidence and ready to take on the world stage.

We walked on the carpeted floor towards the grand ballroom where all the rest of the guests are. They turned their heads to look at us as we entered the room. You proudly held my arm and started to entertain the guests with your formal voice. One by one, they came up to us remarked how perfectly matched we are, and how beautiful I looked. I smiled demurely as they turned to look at me. I wanted to hide very much from the embrassment from their comments, but you held me close. You switched the topic to business, and continued talking confidently. I slipped away from your arm and joined the ladies at the back.

————

To be continued.

The Addict Speaks – Screwed Up

by | | Random

Today, I brought a packet of lucky stars (in their paper form), those they used to sell in small provision shops. With the onslaught of fast food, we have fast gifts too. Over time, those small shops stopped selling these lucky stars as people just simply did not have the time to make them. When I saw the shop selling them, it came upon me that humanity can be saved – with just a little more sincerity in the things we do.

All of us have our addictions, for mine, its the pills, without them I won’t be able write like that. Every person I know has an addiction – shopping, gaming, gambling… the list goes on. Why do we need addictions? If you ask me why, I would just simply say the world is screwed up. If the onslaught of commercialisation and slaving our general populace to work, create unnecessary stresses and burdens, and greed did not exist, we will generally be happier, and folding lucky stars. That is my way of coping, by doing so retardedly stupid things that make no sense to practicality.

I am, in fact, very angry and disturbed every time I step out of my door. When I come home at night, I feel sadness again. Sadness for the world, for social inequality, for wide income gaps… for suffering and poverty. I would think each night how to create a just and fair world where everyone would be happy. But in reality, this happy world just does not exist with greed.

Why are you so angsty? Well, maybe, I have more feelings then you do, that I do care about people around me instead of just myself, which we have been conditioned by the world to do so. Which idiot would be a hero and save the rest and give up his own life nowadays? No, everyone would just watch the rest die in front of their eyes and laugh after that, like those twisted movies we see on our screens each day. Slowly, we will learn not to feel, and be automated and shaped by the media, people and government in what sort of appropriate behaviour we are expected to portray.

Go screw up your life, tell me how you feel when that happens.
(or tell me, why don’t you want to screw up your life)

The Addict Speaks – You are Afraid To Hurt Yourself

by | | Random

Well, after reading my last post you must have found me the most skeptical person in the world, don’t you agree? But i have answers for you, answers that you seek. Why do you hide your true self away from the world? Are you afraid to hurt others? No, that is not true at all. I can tell you the real reason why, because, you are are afraid to hurt yourself. Think about that. Ponder over it, before proceeding.

Every human is born pure and good, the world corrupts them slowly and cruelly with all the harshness it throws onto you, blanking you out from a world of light to a world of darkness. That is why, we naturally fear darkness, fear the unknown, fear. That fear cripples us, makes us helpless and weak. That fear, controls you, eats you up inside, and consumes you.

Let me tell you the next universal truth that you should know – fear is imaginary. It is your imagination running wild, but it isn’t there. You created the fear, the fear of yourself. Your fear is an illusion. You can use your mind to conquer it, make it disappear.

Are you loving me now? After all, I am The Addict, the most morbid person you will ever find that will forcibly drench a pail of cold water on your face to wake you up inside. I am probably, your worst fear, because I am able to tell you the truths you been hiding from. Do you agree not?

How do you conquer fear? It is simple actually, it is just one four letter word that embodies the essence of the world – love. Love conquers fear. The next time you meet the person you love, give him/her a hug, and tell me how you feel.

Are you loving me? Yes, I am loving you too. Catch me if you can.

The Addict Speaks – Escapism

by | | Random

We are living in a world so harsh that I take my pills each day to numb me from the pain. They ask me why do I do it, I could only tell them, “imagine being happy and relaxed… without any worries, won’t you want to join me too?”

Everyone has a different way of coping with the harsh reality, one of the most common escapism is alcoholism, which several of my friends are addicted to. I take my pills, drink, and dance the night away… without any care of a shit in this world.

Aren’t we all just a group of escapist from a circus that ran wild? Yes, I would say, we all are in the same sinking boat to depression. Aren’t you guilty of this too? Of wanting to run away and never come back to this horrid place?

You tell me, you are out of your mind. I would say to you, how about you? Are you sane from all the shit or burying your head in the sand and screaming in the darkness each night. No, you are not sane either, one day you will break down and explode like a dynamite. This I tell you, because of the countless of suicide cases each day resulting from the stresses of life. Do you believe me not?

Join me in my parade of pills, sitting in line with a cup of clear water to drown them all, before drifting into a better world, a world without stresses or a shit to care.

I thought about dying, the sure way I wouldn’t want to die from overdose of pills and alcohol. That is so uncool. The coolest way to die, is to be ripped of everything I have by a stranger, to be stripped bare and raped forcibly while being cut up alive… till I bleed to death.

You fear me now? Or do you fear death? Death is nothing at all, I look at it in the eye daily, death is much better then living. But while we are living, we have to find a way out of this place. How? By control and influencing the masses to believe in us. You agree with me not? That we are controlled now?

Pardon my frankness, for I am real and you are not.

Spellbound

by | | Random

Are you spellbound by my lips? My gentle caress down your back… bringing you closer to a place no one knows.

Gates

by | | Random

She left

me standing there

as I pleaded

and cried

for her not to go

she walked away

further and further

I ran towards the gates

and shook it hard

as she walked

further

and

further

as her figure became

smaller

and

smaller

Till I could see nothing left

as I waited

and

waited

for her to come back

for days

and

days

As I was locked up

in the gates.

Projection

by | | Random

Today, I learnt of a new defence mechanism people use to defend themselves. It is called “projection”.

In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts and/or emotions to others.
Source: Wikipedia

It is very interesting indeed. Have you ever came across a time that someone said that you are to blame when you have done nothing wrong (and you know that person who accused you did the error himself) and find it so contradicting as why someone would blame you for something they have done? Basically, we have to understand, they are actually defending themselves from their own mistake.

I came across instances whereby my friends were talking about a person shifting the blame to everyone around him when he is gulity of the vices. They can’t help it but find it quite frustrating when he would not admit he is in the wrong!

Projection, like all defense mechanisms, provides a function whereby a person can protect their conscious mind from a feeling that would otherwise be repulsive.

The thing about humans is that we have this thing called the “ego”. Many of us are controled by this ego, it can also be called a monster (in other words). The more we listen to it, the more we are enslaved to our ego. Our defense mechanisms are built in a way so that our ego (pride) would not be hurt. The only way to be freed is to “destroy the ego”. How do we do that? I will talk about it next time…

The next time someone accuses you or something that you did not do, reflect on it and try to see if it fits the person who is accusing you of the vice (and 99% of the time, the person is actually guilty of the deed).