Q: You published three full length novels before the age of 30 years old, how did you do it?
AVER: Only one in a thousand people who start writing a novel actually complete the novel. It is like climbing Mount Everest, and I think it’s just one those things in life that it’s nice to have accomplished. At the Thriller Writers Convention in NYC, most authors are double my age. I am the only Asian in the room.
My writing abilities were spotted early in school by my teachers who would photocopy my essays and pass them around for other teachers to read (I took literature, history, economics). They cast me lead in the school’s play as Desdemona in Othello. I was in the school’s dance and debate team. When a member of parliament visited my school, I had a debate with him about the freedom of the press. Singapore has one of the lowest freedom of speech in the world. Prestigious magazines and books were regularly banned out of political interest. The debate was well received by the students. I was nominated for the student council.
At 18 years old, I fell into depression due to constant harassment from my classmates who did not like the attention I was getting. Where was an incident when I opened my locker and there was rotten food inside. My notes were stolen, and they called me names. I dropped out of college and gave up my dreams of becoming a lawyer. I enrolled in business school, and started writing my novels.
I think essentially what happened was that I became an outlier of the conservative and stressful Singapore education system. I pursued my freedom in speech in writing fictional worlds, so my books will never get banned and I will never end up in jail. I created the Scarlet Queen YouTube fantasy channel that has over four million views. This year, the amount of views on my YouTube will exceed the population of Singapore. My works are well loved by a loyal fan following.
If I did not drop out of college, Singapore would have gained a powerful politician and lawyer who will focus on gender equality, freedom of the press, free medical care and LGBT rights.
Today, I finally had time to sit and read and watch some videos I like. I think this blog is my remaining solace from my hectic schedule and I derive my peace out of writing my thoughts on virtual screen. This is the only time I get to like – be myself – time.
On the very rare days I get this time to contemplate about the mysteries of the universe, and admire art by my favourite artists, I am somehow feeling stuck yet liberated. I mean, I free completely free to express myself artistically in fictional mediums, but I am stuck in the sense I am unable to express myself in non fictional terms.
The problem is that – fantasy is more appealing than reality. And reality kind of hurts, and it is kind of like what we see everyday on the streets. There is nothing appealing in that, but in fantasy, in fiction, there is no boundaries to our imaginations.
Sometimes I want to tear the dividing veil between reality and fiction and make my work more real. Some days, I pull back completely and decide to hide my truth under fiction. On other days, I just want to dance. I don’t know, I am in a confused mess and writing this piece that doesn’t make any sense on Thanksgiving Day.
My life is very suppressed, very controlled, like a greenhouse. It is safe, it is comfortable, it is nice. But it is just a built up mega lie to keep the illusion of safety when actually, it is an enclosed trap. In this trap, people are told to do and say what others want them to do in a controlled behavior. But the only exception is that if you create entertaining fictional pieces, you are allowed a voice.
In this controlled state, I could only express myself in fictional terms and nothing more.
This is the path I had chosen and lived to no regrets.
It is in my opinion that one can possess tremendous talent, yet lack the capacity to unleash it due to the lack of access of coaches. I think being an artist is a form of athleticism itself, it requires tremendous discipline, and dedication to the task at hand, day in and day out. But, a big part about talent lies in the imagination and visualization process.
It is one thing to repeatedly do drills and perfect a sequence of dance moves or a chorus in a song, but it is another thing to do it exceptionally well beyond what is already existing out there. In this world of content creation and cyber space where we have access to unlimited information, what is lacking is originality.
Most of the content we read or are exposed to are mostly duplicates of previous successful formulas and there is nothing original about it, except for the reinterpretation, re-adaptation of a novel or a screenplay. When I wrote the erotic short story on Butterfly, it was my modern interpretation of Venus in Fur in Roman Polanski’s movie, based on the play adaption version by David Ives of the original book Venus in Fur by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (yes this is totally inception on so many levels).
I believe by exposing myself to as much art forms as possible, I could create new content, and continue to expand the human imagination and shared consciousness through my creations on cyberspace. I mean, at the end of the day, I can bring nothing to my grave. But at least, in my lifetime, I did create and shared my creations with the world.
Gackt’s voice continues to resurface in my dreams, although Seki Ray was first published in 2000. I had been a crazy fan girl of Gackt during my teenage years, occasionally dreaming of having lunch or coffee with him. Although the remote chance of ever meeting him in person is almost close to zero at this point.
The reason this song is resurfacing in my dreams, other than my adoration for the singer, has to do more so with the lyrics and the way he sings it. It is so full of emotion that it is captivating. It is moving, to myself, although I can barely understand a word of Japanese. I can totally… relate and feel him as he sings it.
Out of my curiosity, I have looked at various translations of his songs in english to gain a better understanding of what he is singing. In this song, it is about a wagtail, a small and tiny bird that built the island of Japan from the the commands of the god, Kamui.
On some days, I do feel like a wagtail, a small and tiny bird. In my quest, I feel quite solitary, quite alone. When I am in my room, I am filled with such homesickness that I am whining through my bed sheets. There is so much solace within me, as I embark on this never ending quest to build a grand design that I cannot yet communicate to the world as I am in the process of building it.
Some days, I feel I lack the skills and abilities to do what I had set out to do. On some days, I put up a great performance and feel this is truly who I am meant to be. It is fluctuating. But there is an inner resilience within me that tells me to keep going, and not give up – for the rewards at the end surpasses anything I could possibility otherwise do.
It is toil, and years of hard work. But I will complete what I started. I will make that short film, send it for competitions and win some mainstream awards. I will work on my body as my instrument, and not party, drink or do detrimental things to it.
I had never worked so hard in my life, since I last graduated from university. This task is extremely testing, the athleticism and artistry that is required astounds myself.
But I will continue to do what I do, as this is who I am truly meant to be.
Note: After quite a while, I finally figured out the significance of the sekirei (wagtail). The Ainu are a minority Japanese people who live in Hokkaido, the northernmost island of Japan. In their creation tale, the wagtail acts a servant of Kamui, the creator god. The wagtail is a cute little seaside bird who’s generally viewed as tiny, weak, and even crippled. But it’s faithful and does its work despite being such a poor little thing, eventually even physically creating the land all by it’s little self. Basically, the wagtail is representative of something or someone who is not strong themselves, but through its giving heart manages to help others a great deal.
kaze no koe o kiita
yume no tsuzuki o shiritakute
daremo oshiete wa kurenai
mune ga akaku somatta…
I heard the voice of the wind
I want to know the rest of the dream
No one will tell me
My chest was smeared red…
kimi dake ni wa wakatteite hoshii
kaeranakereba ikenai koto o…
I want only you to understand
Why I must return…
kono doko made mo tsuzuku shiroi daichi wa tooku
mou harisakebu koe wa dare ni mo todokanai
Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that’s crying out can no longer reach anyone
kono karada no itami o kakusu you ni
sora kara no yasashisa ni dakare…
Like it’s concealing this body’s pains
I’m embraced by kindness from the sky…
sono hitomi ni utsuru tsuki wa kirei de
tatoe yoru ga owaranakute mo
The moon reflected in those eyes is pretty
Even as the night is not finished
kono doko made mo tsuzuku shiroi daichi wa tooku
mou harisakebu koe wa dare ni mo todokanai
Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that’s crying out can no longer reach anyone
A dancer communicates the music through his movements by connecting to his soul song. He has a unique perspective on the dance and although it might be choreographed it is essentially improvising while on stage. No two dances are the same.
To create a masterpiece for my short film. My magnum opus consolidation of my YouTube channel for the past five years. The merging of two identities in one. Mastery. Transcendence. They call it. I want to be immortal.
I am contemplating doing a solo trip to Tokyo to stay in a capsule hotel, it’s been on my bucket list. I would sometimes imagine while sleeping on my bed at night how does it feel to sleep in an enclosed pod. How do people live in such tiny spaces? Will humans be living in pods and be hooked up to a computer like the matrix? Will we be able to differentiate the real world and the AI world? Or is reality itself blurring with Facebook and unlimited live video streams?
Another bucket list is Rome. I wonder how was the human civilisation created and codified in language. How did they create an empire? What was the use of the forum and where was the libraries? What does it feel like to walk down the roads of Rome and be part of a democracy? What lead to the fall of the civilisation? What is the impact of their knowledge on our modern day civil codes?
Too many questions too little time, if only I could teleport from one time zone to the next and dip into the depth of the human consciousness and experience all the world as to offer in an instant by hooking myself to a mega cloud artificial intelligence.
It is not important to me that I become famous or not. The only thing that I don’t have currently that defines “fame” is a Wikipedia page. I think it will eventually be created by someone else other than myself as long I continue to produce quality content in my books, videos, and experimental foray into theatre and dance. Eventually, I want to leave behind a blueprint of stories to be made into films. I predict that I may not get to see my creations become mainstream in my lifetime. The director who directed, produced and wrote Eyes White Shut (1999) passed away before he saw his movie on the screen. What is more fulfilling is to spend meaningful time with my family and friends as they will be at my funeral.
I have to confess – I had been working to the point of exhaustion. I have been working till I could not move when I hit the bed, I am dead weight. When I hit my head on a car leather seat, I doze off immediately. I have pushed myself way too hard, in a short time. I forget to eat my meals, I have lost too much weight. Sometimes I don’t even remember my keys, or to order groceries. Sometimes I even forget my name, till someone calls my name. I have been spending ridiculous amounts of hours in front of the mirror to perfect my dance moves. Some days, I am zombified like a walking undead. Emotions don’t seem to penetrate me, they brush past me like the wind.
I am aiming to achieve total mastery over my mind body and soul, but that stage is transient and not permanent. Sometimes I am in the flow, sometimes I am off the grid. Sometimes my mood swings get the better of me. I am, after all, a woman. Sometimes the past attacks my mind, and it fills me with anxiety that my pores are producing cold sweat. Whenever I encounter fights in public, I am filled with dread and an urge to run as far away as possible for safety.
I am fallible. I am human. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I am not everything, neither, can I be anything.
I am doing all these for an impossible dream, but to dream is better than to not dream. To live in hope is better to live in monotony.
I am way past overdue to go to New York for an extended period of time for the final marathon stretch of my short film production.
My fan funding milestone is not on target as I had been distracted.
I will be self-funding on a low budget for this dream to materialise.
I could almost taste my dreams now.
“It has been my dream from the start of filming The Scarlet Queen in 2012, to eventually make it into a movie to be broadcast to the world. I was limited by resources hence I uploaded a video on YouTube every week. In my dreams and visions, all I see is the grand design of the movie I want to make based on what I had created for The Scarlet Queen. Now, there are over two hundred videos with thousands of minions worldwide. I am dedicating my life in 2018 to turn The Scarlet Queen into a 20-minute short film by elevating my artistry through dancing 20 hours a week, and attending acting classes, working out and keeping to a strict diet. I had lost 7 kg in 2017 in preparation for this role. Your support for my artistry makes it possible for me to pursue my dreams.”
I had a vivid dream of a young actor auditioning for a role. He was unassuming and plain. He asked the judges for permission to start the auditions and bam, he was waxing lyrical poetry with his emotionally filled dialogue. He truly captivated the judges who were awestruck. The judges granted him the lead role and he was on screens, and movie posters.
Sometimes I wonder if I am actually running away from my love for languages and the screen by dancing yet another night away. That all I have done so far (publishing three books, joining performance dance teams, randomly filming videos) is actually my futile attempts at avoiding producing a movie.
The resistance is so strong towards the pull of producing the movie that I dream about it (the casting, the scenes, the storyline) instead of enacting on anything concretely in real life. It is a mirage that blurs but crystalises in my sleep. I tell myself, I am not good enough. I don’t have funding or support from a studio. And why is this calling so goddam strong? I did not study in theatre. Yet, the images of Broadway and West End filters in and out of my visions.
Sometimes I see her in my dreams. She is calling the shots, acting in a solo production, and materialising each step. She has lost a significant amount of weight, and she is mastering her body movements. She is replying to hundreds of fan mails and teasing them into utter submission.
When I see her up close in the mirror, I am like holy my god you monstrous being. You are ruining my life, why do you want to evolve when I am happy where I am? Please spare me and take someone else’s soul. I am not capable of your task. You are asking too much of me. I need to rest, I need to make a living. You are asking me to risk everything I ever knew to become someone I am not.
Then, she smiles, that sinister smile. And she says to me. “You will do exactly what I say with no regrets.”
