After reading a writing lecture “Breaking The Mold”, I realised that this is my 10th year of blogging as a writer. My short stories and poetry has changed and shifted as I evolved my writing style and techniques. I was doing it purely out of hobby and gratification as a confused young adult. To admit, I had a pretty messed up teenage life, along with my wayward friends. The most traumatizing of all is having to accompany a girlfriend to an abortion clinic. She was 15 years old. The scan revealed a healthy baby body, on its third trimester. She wanted an abortion. I told her not to. It is a living life. It is beyond my principles (I was 15 years old as well), and I felt that she could give it up for adoption. There are many couples who would love a child. She asked me one final time to accompany her to the hospital for a abortion. I declined respectfully, saying I do support her decision to do so, but it is beyond my principles to participate.
These life experiences fuel my growth and evolution in my mindset and principles. After that incident, I became more interested in history, particularly World War Two. I excelled naturally in Geography, History and Economics while in school. My teachers started to notice the quality of my acute observations and writing skills. They encouraged me to write more, to publish a book. I was a rebel, and I hated following rules and the status quo. I left for Australia, to be free. It is after freedom from restraint of being told what to do, and how to write, that I finally discover my inner voice. The inner voice that calls my name, Averal. It is an angelic name, given to me in my dreams.
After taking an elective in Gender Studies, I am more aware of gender roles in modern society and what it means to be a man/woman. I won’t call myself a feminist either. I like men as providers (naturally, because they have hunter instincts), however, I think women should be independent as well. It is only after taking that module, that I realise what I want out of life for my partner and I. Do I want to be a housewife? A career woman? No, actually no. I am quite a simple person, really. I just need personal space and time, to explore my interests, while, being financially free. I don’t need to own the latest BMW iSeries (although it is tempting). With material pursuits, there are sacrifices to be made. A woman’s youth does not stay forever. I prefer to explore myself creatively and freely. The keyword, is to be free. And freedom, comes with a price.
I like that the new media (internet) as allowed writers to experiment creativity without much restraint. We do not have to be published by the mainstream, we can be independent. In fact, just by starting a free journal on blogger allows us to be instantly published and accessed by people whom we do not know, thereby maybe, creating a reputation or name for ourselves in the community who are interested in the genre.
I like using unusual formats and poems/prose to communicate a story or meaning, or both in-between. I try to experiment with style where consciousness meets the subconscious. Time bending is a very interesting trend I am seeing in contemporary fiction, as well as movies. In the recent movie, Platinum Rush (2012) a group of bikers delivers express mail around Manhattan, beating traffic lights and riding dangerously on the crowded roads and streets. It starts from a car crash, back to how it happened, then to the part after the crash, and the hands of the clock are spinning along when the direction changes. We can learn, as novelists/writers to bend time at our will to bring our readers for a spin for a lifetime, especially when writing thrillers. James Patterson is able to use this style with ease.
I am glad that more writers and artists are breaking the mold and we are seeing leaps and bounds of progress even right now. Banksy, a graffiti artist, genius or political rebel, we do not know, there is no more stereotypes left. We can be all that we want to be, as long we portray the right message we want our readers understand.
How much potential a man can release in his life, is connected with the woman he chooses as his companion. She can bring out the best or worse in him, she can help him to create a beautiful world together or if she fancies, she can destroy him with a touch. This is the synergistic concoction on what makes or breaks a relationship.
This piece is written in relation to the 7 Kinds of Men I Like, I figured that I have to create a list of 7 Kinds of Women I Admire. If you counted it right, all the men listed, had a woman, except one, Aizen. That is why he lost to Urahara. With a woman, he could have become a god. Too bad for his egoistical nature, lording his superiority over everyone. Straight men who do not admit they need a woman are just immature and foolish, thinking they are chauvinistic and everything. But, no, the truth is, if you want a fulfilling life with meaning, you got to find the right mate who shares these ideals with you. She will help you to become larger than life, trust me on this *winks.
Unlike men, women just have to be themselves. They have to explore their own nature, especially the depth of their emotions. A woman is guided by her emotions and intuition, which evolved from the sheer evolutionary need to protect her family. Lets explore the characteristics of the seven women that I admire greatly.
1. Eva Green as Vesper / Angelique
Eva Green is on top of the list as she is intelligent, witty, sexy, and has a hard stare that makes men cling onto their dear life if they dare, disobey her. She portrays her roles in a very thought provoking manner with a depth of emotions, that has no boundaries. A plus point is that she is a french actress. Lets look her the roles she has acted.
Vesper in Casino Royale (2008), in her corporate office attire and conversation exchange with James Bond, in the train carriage, is probably the most engaging movie dialogs of all time, with double meanings, and hidden subliminal truths.
She goes undercover as a treasurer to secure the funds for James Bond in Casino Royale. She mentally levels him into winning the tournament, even appearing in her plunging neckline dress on purpose in front of him to distract/motivate him in his game. She chides him for not wearing up to his part, by sizing him up and buying him a suit fit for a millionaire. A smart and intelligent woman, she is able to bring out the best in her man’s career with her womanly charms.
After a romantic lovely time with James Bond in Venice, she steals the tournament winnings, and uses it in exchange for his life, so that her boss, Mr White, will not kill Bond. She also knows she has to sacrifice her life for his, hence she drowns herself in a locked metal lift, and plunged it down into the depths of the river, ending her life, her love pure and true.
In her recent role as Angelique in Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows, she is able to give Johnny Depp aka Barnabas a hard on while burying him in a coffin, alive, with her lingerie on his mouth. She is incredibility twisted in her expression of her love (i mean, who will turn their lover into a vampire, and send all the little girls he likes in the process, off the cliff?). In the end, she dies from a broken heart, from unreciprocated love.
In her roles as Vesper / Angelique, they both do the same things – they challenge their lover to be stronger, to show them who is more capable – she or him. To prove to her his love. To join her in a force – as a partnership – to achieve something beautiful and beyond this world. This is what men crave most in a woman, for someone, to lift them up and feel like a man. She does her job perfectly as a woman – as an equal to men. She is 100% a real woman in my list.
2. Zhang Zi Yi
In the movie, House of the Flying Daggers, Zhang Zi Yi as Mei (rebel leader daughter) falls in love with the one she is supposed to kill (the police captain), her old flame finds out and is filled with jealously and hate. Her new and old lovers battle it out in a field with four seasons. She threatens to kill her old flame if he dares use his dagger to kill the new guy. He tests her love by pretending to throw a fatal shot. In bid to defect the shot towards her new lover, she removes the dagger in her chest, to save her victim’s life. She bleeds to death. Her love for her victim/lover, is now eternal.
“Can’t you see, every step I have taken, since I was a child under the bridge, was to bring myself closer to you?” Sayuri
In Memoirs of a Geisha, Sayuri (Zhang Ziyi) does everything she can to be closer to The Chairman, a man who secretly helps her to become a geisha legend, and in the process, almost losing her over to his business partner. She tries to spite his business partner into not becoming her Donna by sleeping with an Amercian Colonel, however, The Chairman saw the scene instead, and walks away. Sayuri, knowing it is no longer possible to reconcile her love with The Chairman no longer, resigns to her fate as a geisha, who needs a Donna to pay for her upkeep. However, The Chairman appears at the final scene as her Donna. Their love prevails.
Her riveting performance as Mei/Sayuri shows that a woman is able to do everything in the world, just in the name of love. Even if it means killing herself, numbing her emotions till she becomes an object of desire, or just, living each day – just waiting and waiting, she is still a believer in a love that will return back to her, even if she is dead or alive.
3. Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman is incredibly talented from a young age and it is apparent in all the movies she has acted in. I loved her rendition of Black Swan (2011), a ballerina who has to discover her inner demons to transcend into being who she is – black and white. For an actress to pull off this role, requires much soul searching and understanding of oneself, which is very tough and painful. It is like digging out a box of hidden dark desires and secrets in your heart, pulling it out, embracing it and becoming the darkest essence of yourself. I am quite surprised that she is able to maintain her sanity after this riveting performance. Psychological and deep, she gives it all her, and I have to give her credit for one of the best performances of all time. That is what I greatly admire in her, the strength of character as a New Yorker. The modern 21st century woman, who is able to stand on her own two feet, release. and gain inner acceptance of her fragility.
4. Angelia Jolie
Angelia Jolie gives her best definition of her love in Mr and Mrs Smith. After “killing” her husband with a lift bomb, she goes to the restaurant where they got engaged, drowning herself with a glass of champagne in tears. He appears from behind, alive, and she is glad, her expression clear to see.
I admire Angelia Jolie for her empathy with children from third world countries, although her rainbow mix of adopted children is controversial, she does philanthropy and contributes greatly to charity. She is incredibility confident in her body language in all her shows. She does not compromise herself, her poise is always calm. She speaks in a low voice, jabbing right at the heart strings. She is able to put up a fight with ease. Her aura is so magnetic, i think most men would stumble onto their knees within a few minutes of her presence. That, is femininity at its best.
5. Marion Cotillard
In Inception, she appears as the deceased wife in the dreams of the main protagonist. She haunts him, repeatedly, as a shadow, and in the process, making him compromise on his missions. In Love Me if You Dare, she dares her lover in a series of games, to prove their love for each other. She ruins his wedding, and dares him not to meet for 10 years. 10 years later, she appears out of the blue. She is with a football star, but who cares, she still loves her old flame. They dare each other to be buried in concrete. And he accepts.
Marion is able to portray a wide spectrum of emotions from extreme hate and anger, to tender love, that men can only dream about. She comes from Paris, the capital of love. No wonder her intense passion burns on screen and is felt in the hearts of the viewers. I can feel her pain, and it softens me to see her cry. In the ending scene of Batman Rises, she, as the daughter of Talia al Ghul, finishes her mission as her last filial act to her father. Her emotions are so true, and I remember her scenes with perfect memory.
6. Yoruichi from Bleach (comic)
Yoruichi from Bleach
She is a descendant of the one of the four noble families in Soul Society. She does not want others to call her a princess, and she hangs out with other nobles and peasants, she does not care about social divides. She treats everyone equally.
She helps Ichigo discover his Bankai (bringing out the best in people). She trains his friends to become stronger. She is a mother figure with a hot body, and has a streak for randomly appearing nude in front of Ichigo (14 years old) in the most unlikely of circumstances to tease him.
The most attractive attribute she has is that she is able to SAVE other people. She is no damsel in distress, she is the Flash Goddess. She saved Urahara and Tessai before they were imprisoned. And single handedly carried the bodies of 7 Vizards and the necessary equipment to reverse the effects of the experiment. She is just. wow, inhuman. That is why she is in fiction and I totally admire her guts.
7. Priscilla Chan (Mark Zuckerberg’s Wife)
Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg
Although not much is known about her, without her, I don’t think there will be a Facebook. Thanks to Priscilla Chan, the silent motivation and encouragement, Mark had to do what he had to do, to appease her. This is all based on my suspicion and hypothesis. Mark is the youngest billionaire on earth, and I don’t think it is all possible without someone as solid as the woman he is with. The plus point is that she is a Chinese girl. He definitely made the right choice in his mate.
What does a woman want in a man? I am not sure about other woman, but I am pretty clear on what I look for in a man. Today, I will share my preferences on the men that I admire and like in fiction and real life.
1. Robin Thicke
Robin Thicke arrives in the driveway in a Rolls Royce. He is back from a day of equestrian riding. He kisses the hand of a woman in his home, with a riding crop in one hand. He seduces and embraces her with his deep love song. He bites onto her pearl necklace and they go up the spiral stairs into the room. This lethal combination of love, romance and sex is tantalizing. Poise, confident and suave, he scores.
2. Wang Leehom
Wang Lee Hom - Unrequited Love
Sentimental and soft, his fingers gently playing the piano. He sings of love, and unrequited love. Of a love so pure, it transcends all reason. In his artistic expression of love, he can love unconditionally and kindly, his happiness dependent on the happiness of the one he loves. What is more beautiful than a love that has no reason?
3. David Mack
Left: Daredevil Cover by David Mack. | Right: David Mack as himself.
He is probably the hottest comic book artist who knows how to be suave. Formerly the artist of KABUKI, he is now working with Marvel in New York. He has a genius for bringing out the fragility and strength of his characters at the same time. His theme centering around the topic of vengeance, love and power. He is humble, down to earth, and you could probably chat with him at the bar. He is an sociable artist who has not gone bonkers or lost faith in the human race. What is so attractive about him is that he loves Asian girls with weapons. He wants to fall in love, but is afraid, his past clear to see, the death of his mother affecting his conscience. The savant of the 21st century comic world, David Mack is one hell of a ride.
4. Urahara/Aizen
Urahara and his sword, Benihime
These two are characters in Bleach, a Japanese comic series. I put them together, as a real man need a real enemy, for him to unleash his full potential. A man, is judged by his enemies.
Urahara – A prodigy who excels in sciences, and set up the technological division, creating gadgets to save Soul Society, using his brilliance in manipulating Ichigo and his friends to do things they are not aware of. He is a master puppet master, and a genius at the sciences. For a man to excel in science and human relations is no mean feat!
When he became a captain, he was unsure of his abilities. Spurred by Yoruichi, his childhood friend, he grew to be more assertive and confident, only after donning a green stripped hat and fan to hide his expression when he is up to tricky business. He calls himself a “handsome, perverted, businessman.” Very hot for an Asian dude.
He also has a heck for appearing last minute to save people lives. Or appearing outside Ichigo’s window at perfect timing. He is a mental person who can mentally screw someone without making a move. Perfect.
Aizen – The Villain with Balls
Aizen – An illusionist who betrays and tricks everyone into thinking he is Mr Good Guy who likes reading books, to leader of the Espadas – Aizen. He found the best of the crap in the hollow world, to work for him, by just showing them his power. His leadership is highly attractive, his suave and calm mannerisms not giving much away, His analytical mind, analysing every detail before he makes a calculated move. A scientist himself, who created half the Hogyoku as an attempt to get closer to the Soul King.
He wants to take over the world, and design it the way he wants to be. He wants to be a master architect, by becoming god himself, and rewrite the rules after thousand of years of the former status quo, abolishing Soul Society itself. Aizen reminds me of Sun Yat-sen, founder of democracy in China. What he is trying to do takes much courage and balls. Furthermore, he is not doing it for anyone, but himself. Most men are too weak to do things without a woman’s support. But Aizen does not care, instead, he stabs his vice captain, Momo, in the process, severely detaching himself emotionally from all the “beings” around him. He probably sees him as inferior to himself. Probably he has too much ego or is too smart for his own good, without much EQ to balance his IQ out. What is why he lost to Urahara. He did not have the power of love.
Urahara “The power of love is stronger than steel”.
5. Batman and Joker in The Dark Knight (2008)
Christian Bale in Batman Rises
Batman, a billionaire in the day, a bat at night. Boy, he seriously have some psychological issues. Never mind that, at least he is trying to get rid of the city of evil with his own flesh (although not necessary because he can hire people), power and money. Meeting the Joker did seriously bring out the best in Batman, in making some decisions to become stronger as a man in the subsequent sequel when he was trapped in a dark circular prison pit. However, I was quite disappointed he did not kill Joker on the first and second attempt, just hanging him in mid air, with Joker laughing hysterically away. He needs to be cold blooded and ruthlessness, to carry out his acts of good, which he is unable to do. That is why he is fifth on my list, he still needs to be stronger.
Heath Ledger as Joker
Joker, what can I say? He is psycho, yes, he is brilliant, yes, does he have a point? Yes! He just wants to play with Batman, and “he is ahead of the curve”. That humans will kill each other when the chips are down. Sick and cynically twisted, yes, and that increases the hotness value of mystery and intrigue around this fascinating character. I would gladly study him as a specimen in the asylum, he could enlighten me on some realities of the human race. That is how he transformed Harley Quinn, a psychologist, into his circus companion, as Harlequin. Fascinating specimen.
6. Christian Grey – CEO of Grey Enterprises
For reasons quite clear, he is on the list. He is a billionaire who is able to fly a helicopter, suffers from an obsessive need for control, spends his leisure time fantasizing about dominating submissive women. I found the two chapters of the story written from his point of view, very engaging. It is nice to know what goes on in the heads of power hungry males. A mixture of testosterone and logic, or just primal lust. His weakness for women as a goddess and the very reason of his existence and being. Not that I think Anna Steele is THAT of a woman, but he is just a beast around her. And he is not afraid to show it. I think there are more confident women around who can give him a better time, and a ride of his life, who can contribute to his business expansion, mind expansion and sex expansion, whatever. I just don’t think Anna Steele did match his capabilities, hence he is number 6. He should have found a woman who more of his match.
7. Brad Pitt in Mr and Mrs Smith
Brad Pitt makes it on the bottom of the list because he is with Angelia Jolie. That is, the one and only reason. He makes Angelia Jolie feel like a woman, with his wits and masculinity, he overwhelms her. But she wants him dead. And he makes it out alive.
You are, the wild chase of dreams.
The wind that never stays
A smile
and you are gone.
The warnings are so clear
The chemistry, so deep
The paradoxical nature
Of hate and love
A thin line
Between love and lust
Pain and pleasure
Intertwined
——
As you sped away into the sea of superficiality, dangerously alcohol laden with a cigar in hand.
You are, the wild chase of dreams.
——-
You know, we could create something beautiful together. One that is real, and not an illusion of emptiness. One filled with love, romance and the fantasy you crave.
There were days.. I would sit in front of my keyboard with a blank white screen. Nothing comes out from my finger tips. My tormented mind, wanting to reveal the truth, anger screams in my head… “Out with it… OUT with it…” My fingers, frozen still, unable to move an inch.
On nights like this… I cry myself to sleep…
Nothing is more frustrating than being unable to express my emotions…
On days like this, I hate myself deeply.
I hated myself so much, that I broke my core into two – the Artist and Logic.
—-
Logic tells me, I should be working hard. I should make more money, like all my peers – build a career, acquire the latest gadgets, look pretty and attract the right guys… be socially acceptable like all the others. “Don’t move out of your comfort zone! It is dangerous. It is going to kill you. You have to stay alive!” Listen to Logic, he is always right. He will protect you.
You will be accepted, Logic promises me.
—–
The Artist tells me, break free of control. “You are so controlled, look at your anxiety levels, its spiraling out of the roof. You can’t sleep at night, you can’t write as you used to, you can’t… be yourself. You have to be free… you have to let go. Be yourself. Trust me. I know what your heart wants. I know that not everyone is going to accept you, and see who you really are. I reassure you, you are beautiful inside, and if they can’t see it in you, you should care less.”
You will be happy and at ease, the Artist promises me.
—-
For years, I faced them daily. They are always in my mind. I continued to ignore my the Artist. I grew numb to the emotions. I grew numb to pain. I climbed the career ladder, and played the twisted game of life…
For centuries, I tried and tried
To reach the top of the mountain
The mountain Logic told me to climb,
Thinking, when I get there, I will find my happiness.
I finally reached the top.
I was barely breathing,
exhausted from the tough journey.
To my dismay;
It was empty.
There was nothing at the top.
Just more emptiness.
My reality crashed. It was a lie.
It was unreal
All the things they taught in school
All the things they told me to do
They all lead to… nothing.
…
That is the story of my life. The pain I went through, seeking for something I did not find. I pressed the reset button. I am back at square zero. I started a new life, and made new resolutions.
You were right all along, Artist. I should have listened to you.
I looked back at my journey, and realise that Logic taught me many lessons:
1) There is no right or wrong.
2) Logic cannot be trusted.
3) I should trust my instincts
4) I should not care less to be socially accepted or whatever.
5) At the end of it all, in the craze of the material world, there is only emptiness.
As part of my new resolution, I drew up several things:
1) I will not hold back, I will be who I am 100%
2) I will not be affected by what people think of me
3) I will continue in my exploration of life
4) I will do what my heart tells me to do, from this moment on.
I am writing to say, I have decided upon several things.
I have neglected you for so long, that I feel like a serious underachiever.
I am returning back to you, because only you make me feel sane.
The crazy others out there, they just want to watch me burn.
I love being you, AVERRAL.
You are hot with your red bass guitar
You rock my world with your melodies
Your poetry, it feeds my emptiness.
I am only complete with you, without you. I am nothing.
You are my superstar. My one and only true love.
You create worlds that I can’t imagine
You torment me daily with your brilliance
That I am just a shadow of the system that forces me
To make ends meet, to keep you alive.
At the expense of the daily torture
Of not submitting to your wishes
To be the artist you desire.
It pains me to see you unable to be yourself
You are my lady, my mistress of pain
I saw the insignia of the black widow spider
The deadly red hourglass tattoo
Behind your back
I am warned now.
That is why, I submit to you fully.
Before you decide to kill me.
My lady, you are free now
To do what you please
You can whip me into submission
If I ever use my logical senses
And think of doing what is “right”
You give me a new meaning
To do what is perceived as wrong.
Or grey.
I don’t care anymore
I will be you.
In the reflection of the mirror
A template of my features
Is looking back at me
She is in tears with red swollen eyes
She looks at me with weakness in her soul
Her vulnerabilities exposed in the open cold
Her fears, uncontrolled, raging like demons
Consume her from within, her heart eaten alive
The anguishing pain, so painful, so painful it hurts
She holds her breath, trying not to breathe
So that the pain no longer hurts, the recurring nightmares stopping to exist
In her reflection, she sees me.
Through the mirror, I have no fear in my eyes
I paint my lips red, in preparation of the night
I put on exquiste jewelry to match my black dress
I strap my stiletto heels to my ankles
Ready for the dance floor
Because tonight, there is only one queen
And the world is ready for her to conquer.
In the game of chess, the queen protects her king
There is no one else, except You and I
In this mirage of white and grey
I see beauty in your imperfections
Your life-force, addictive to kiss
I caress the scars from war on your skin
Your soul merging into mine
A bite… that is all it takes
To express my love for you
