Hi gaming friends, if you find me please be in touch with me by sending me a message on CONTACT. I would love to connect back with you. I had been meeting and catching up with guild mates who had found me online via my blog or facebook. I would love to know what you are doing in life now. My previous positions are listed below for easy search on Google.
AverRal Renewal Online, Dark Palace, Guild Leader of Overkill (2000 – 2002)
AverRal Ragnarok, Chaos, Guild Leader of IxIAversion (2002 – 2004)
AverRal World of Warcraft, Thaurissan, Guild Officer of Clique (2006 – 2007)
Other games you may have seen me play in lanshops – DOTA, Counterstrike, Left for Dead.
I quit gaming for good after our guild became top in the server and I raged quit WOW with my best friend.
The best part is I got my best friend back in real life.
Applying the same skills in gaming in business management proved to be a valuable asset.
Hope to catch up with old friends to know what you are doing in life. I am reminising those great times we had.
The distinction I got is that there is a difference between being a writer, and a creator of worlds. I am a creator of worlds, not a writer. A creator of worlds creates new realities, new possibilities and new ways of being. I am a creator on unorthodox mediums. My YouTube Channel has 2 million views on a solo production with over a hundred videos. My book downloads will trespass the 100 000 mark to hit a million by 2021. My blog has over 700 posts.
The only way I can reach the next stage of my new way of being of being a world renowned author is to shatter my old identity. Shattering my old identity by destroying it completely and reinventing a totally new way of who I am today. Who I am is my word. I am shattering my old identity as of today. I am shredding the parts of inauthenticities and comfortableness of being ordinary. I am taking on being uncomfortable, challenged and creative. I am taking on being unreasonable with myself on a daily basis. I am taking on working out and keeping to a diet to maintain peak performance levels. I will no longer be deterred by my fears,
I am taking on being uncomfortable, challenged and creative. I am taking on being unreasonable with myself on a daily basis. I am taking on working out and keeping to a diet to maintain peak performance levels. I will no longer be deterred by my fears, demons and past. My past will no longer have a hold on me. From this moment on, there is only a forward pull towards greatness. There is an inherent power within me as I write this.
I had denied my own inner power to live a comfortable life. But from this moment on, no more. By shattering my old identity, it means being uncomfortable. It means doing things I will normally not do. Taking actions beyond my old comfort zones. Being unreasonable with life, and taking a stand from where I am standing from to move from ordinariness towards greatness.
When my identity is no more, a universal self-emerges. I will not be in the way of my universal self. I will let it be who I am as the natural way I am being. I will be holding myself out as my universal self that connects to all regards of culture, countries or languages. What I create will resonate as one shared humanity, and the impact of my creations will be radiated into generations to come.
I will unleash my inner power and take on powerfully a life I love and to live an extraordinary life.
I was cast as the lead actress in a high school play when I was fourteen. I was given a script to memorise and put through an intensive program in the school play production. Day after day, we would rehearse our performance under extremely stressful conditions. As with lead roles, I was assigned a double. The double would replace me in the event I fell sick on the actual performance day. Deep inside me, I had a fear she would replace me, she would take my role and all my hard work will go to waste. If I couldn’t recite one line, my heart rate went up and I had a fear that my coach would remove me from the role.
The production went well and we performed at Victoria Theater, the very theater that I used to run around and hide under the velvet curtains. I fulfilled on acting in a theater production in a lead role, for my first footsteps on stage was to give flowers to musicians after their performances to the applause of the audience. This time, the audience was clapping for my performance.
Since the experience of being cast lead, “I will replace you,” has been my detriment. It ticks me off. It could be anyone saying it to me. “My ex could do those things you can’t.”, “If she can do it, why can’t you?” The very sensation of being replaced is the reason why I couldn’t perform publically without the fear I would be removed. I did everything I could to ensure I would not be replaced, I have my own YouTube channel, wrote my own books and stayed away from finding a job that where I would be “replaced”. After discovering this is my biggest constraint and blindspot, I gave up this up completely.
I no longer fear being replaced, for I am simply, irreplaceable.
In this transient passage of time, we will meet others in our path. One thing for sure is that we are all going to die. What we make now from our journey to the point of death is the only thing that matters. From this blank state of canvas, what is the picture we will paint today for our reality? What is the world we will create around us?
I discovered through disappearing, that everything becomes nothing. Like a black hole, everything gets sucked into nothingness and dissipates. We inherently have the ability to disappear problems by recreating, reconstituting, reconstructing. The very act of disappearing is a black hole phenomenon. We have the ability to disappear and recreate, disappear and recreate. It is an ongoing what we declare in language that constitutes what happens next, next and next.
I never felt ready for the world, I held back and limited myself by letting my fears take over who I am. But who I am for the world is beyond who I am, I am ready to take flight, I am ready to disappear myself and reconstitute and recreate my reality by consideration. By consideration by waving a magic wand, I can create a life that contributes love, beauty and knowledge all over in all my interactions with others.
There was no love, no beauty, no soul, radiating out of my writings or creative works for the past few years. For as far as a I can remember, I bottled my emotions in a jar and never let it out. I was afraid of showing the world who I was, and being up to something bigger than myself. I kept myself locked in a cage in a self inflicted masochistic suffering for no reason. It was a small game, and it made me grew smaller, and smaller till I lost significance of who I was.
I covered my insecurities with acquiring wealth, with travels, with luxury fine dining and goods. I ran away from my family and friends for years in circles, and I never confronted my past. I would not commit to anything, but I did the very basic things to survive life by getting things out of others, to the point of being manipulative. I was in a bad shape, and I never looked at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted with the way I was. I would not look at myself in the mirror, for I see nothing reflected back at me.
To myself, I am a disgusting human being who is dirty, unclean and filthy. As much as I try to upkeep my appearances by diligently following a set of skin care and work out routines, deep inside me I abhor the way I looked. I wondered why people kept staring at me. Why did they keep looking at me. Why people kept asking if I am actress, if I am Eurasian, if I am this and that, and why can’t they just speak to me as the way I am.
I traced my ancestry and there is not a slight drop of European genes in my genetics although my hair and eye colour is dark brown. It is a genetic mutation. Being of a unique exotic look meant I was the center of every social situation attention. I hated how I look. Why can’t I be pure chinese, or ordinary looking, why can’t I just blend in and be like everyone else. Why can’t I be… why was a gifted with a look that made me stand out from others?
It is the difference in the way I look that made me an outcast in school, I would get caught every year for dying my hair although I didn’t. My hair appears copper red under sunlight. It is naturally occurring. My tuition teacher would put my hair under the lamp light and examine it, wondering why my hair colour is brownish copper red. He came up with a theory it was iron production. Whatever it is, I was disgusted with my genetics, that I didn’t fit in or belonged to any social situation.
There was no love, no beauty, no nothing. There was angst, hate, disgust, destruction from within me. I would dream about what zombies to kill, how to dominate my opponents in the online games I was engaged in, how to conquer fortresses and how to manage teams of people to do so. I was nominated guild leader in a number of guilds, and my last post was being a guild officer of a top ranked guild in world of warcraft before my best friend and I decided to quit gaming to pursue our life dreams. Everywhere I went, leadership followed me like a shadow, but I never responded to the calling. I never faced who I was and I ran away from my creations, my shadows, my past and my future. I spiraled downwards to the point I was too exhausted to run, too feeble to resist, and too weakened – that I stopped avoiding.
By facing my past present and future fully, I am regaining the reins of my life, restoring the parts of my identity I rejected, and being a whole and complete person by making a declaration of who I am to the world. That it is my word that who I am is to radiate love and beauty in all my relationships, and contribute knowledge to the future generations to come. I accept the way I look in the mirror, and I no longer hate my genes. I accept that I have a unique look and that’s what I am gifted with. I will use my gifts to contribute to the world, and be beyond who I am by being there for others. I will create reality by consideration by consciously creating the world I want to see today and I will no longer run away from who I am.
I had wound up being where I am today because of what I had inherited from my environment – a childhood surrounded by libraries and books, a competitive streak as a result of my teenage gaming years, a series of broken relationships due to my dysfunctional nature of being unable to receive love, a love for art and theater and travel from what I was exposed to. It is an inherited context that I wound up being where I am today as an author of two books, a YouTube channel with two million views and an entrepreneur.
I wound up being a dysfunctional solitary person who believes “I am not understood and the world is full of suffering.” that propels me to do what I do, without any need for recognition. I had doubled people’s incomes and set them onto their life path just by them having a conversation with me. There are layers upon layers most people are unable to confront, which I unwrap till it reaches the core before they are set free into a path of who they truly are.
In the process, I am disappearing myself completely by being there for others, in my community and the world. In the disappearance of myself, only can universalism arise. I am disappearing my need for validation, for the need of love, for the need of anything egotistical. I am disappearing myself, by being in the eyes of others.
In my disappearance, I am letting go of my need for a lover, my need for a soul mate, my needs for anyone to satisfy any of my wants. I am letting go of the loves in my life, and my broken past, my nightmares, my flashbacks, my pain and my pleasure.
I am fully engrossed in reality by being there for others, being the person I truly am. In my disappearance, I have broken out of the cocoon and I am free to soar the skies as a butterfly.
I spend most of my waking moments in solitude. It is the nature of my profession, of the way I wound up being. That I am extremely uncomfortable when people are watching and when there are eyes on me. My identity comes up and I have a compulsion to run away or act up. It’s only when I am performing at something, like on stage, or a dance recital that I am comfortable with the fact people are looking at me. In all my ordinariness I am as shy as hell.
Networking events are my ultimate challenge. I have to talk to total strangers. I have a script in my head but my words come out weird and intangible. Over time I overcame my shyness and became more confident in front of strangers, I go on stage and speak and ask questions in conferences. Afterwards, people would come up to me and acknowledge me for sharing and participating. It is exceptional for me to get out of being shy and just be with people. It’s really not who I am but the way I have to be to uphold myself on what I am up to.
To most people I am never shy, my friends would describe me as a super powerful woman. When I am back in my solitude, I truly perform at my optimal best. But I know in the long run, I have to be able to perform even in uncomfortable situations, or when thousands of people are looking at me fumbling around. I have to learn to be not in control, to regain control over the fact I am not in control. That’s my next frontier of what I will overcome to be able to speak at conferences in front of thousands of people.
I had been called a “prolific writer” many times by numerous people I meet who stumble upon my blog. It is indeed my outlet of expression and space of introspection that I write out my thoughts to jump to the next frontier of my life. It is a series of propulsion that keeps me going and going. The moment I stop writing, my life comes to a standstill. By intellectualising the process, it helps to figure out what actions I want to take next.
As of today, I am almost 3/4 done on my first draft with the Purple Python. I have to admit this is the most powerful book I had written to date, the writing moves me. As well as my short story, The Prince (working title). I had realised that we will most likely never be together with the person that we love. I am giving up on attaching to the loves of my life and to live a life of solitude. My contribution to the world is not children, but the worlds that my writings create. I distinguished that even by being in a relationship or having children is for my self-gratification, but it may not be what I want or need.
I had experienced true love, and it lives on within me. I had sacrificed love, and it now exists outside me in spirit. I had sought for love, and it eludes me like a plague. For love is giving and letting go.
It is powerful to live a life of freedom without obligation to anyone or anything. It is powerful that I wake up daily before my alarm clock goes off, and write prolifically in a way I had never done before, just by letting go of all the baggage I had been holding on to. It is powerful to perform at my self-actualised self that connects with all instead of portraying a need for validation for my own ego. I am the source of empowerment to those around me, who have set off in different paths to find their actualized states.
Who I am for the world – I am the creator of worlds and source of empowerment for world leadership.
I am fully complete with all the loves of my life. For this, I am able to write in a way that I had no access to before. I had never written about love powerfully. But in the Purple Python, it’s different, it moves me. I read some of the parts I wrote, and I am shocked. I am shocked that I could be so expressive. For so long I numbed myself to the emotion of love, and now it flows like a river. It’s amazing that just by letting go, so much could come into my life.
There is so much love I have to give to this world, and I am going to be the prolific writer that I am meant to be.
I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday about human beings, that we have no fixed way of being. We can be happy, sad or angry the next moment. We are not a stationary or a fixed object like a chair but a human being that moves from state to another dynamically. Hence, there is an ability for us to continuously reinvent and restructure how we want to create life to be around us at any moment, it is for us to create life the way it mirrors back at us. Of course, life is about parallels and mirrors and echoes, for we create each other based on our interactions with each other.
In the context of which, it is questionable as well. For example, if we are living in an African tribe, polygamy is the norm. But we grew up in a culture where monogamy is the norm due to the social construct based on the media and society that portrays one man to one woman. However, in hunter gather tribes based on anthropology research, humans are a polygamous species. Inherently there is really nothing wrong with having multiple partners in an African tribe, but society views it as wrong in modern societies. It is a perception based on construct and it really is up to us to construct our reality based on what we want to create.
As we are a highly evolved species that has the ability to contemplate and think about our failures and past and future, it creates hesitation towards moving forward. There is a stuckness to what people want to get, they are stuck by what they deem as circumstances, fear of failure and thoughts that exist within but are unreal thoughts. It’s only by going past the failure conversation that one can move towards performance in all areas of life.
I am moving towards being dynamic in all areas of my life – dance, writing, videos, business, relationships and taking on being organised ( although I am extremely messy by default, I can move towards being consciously neat and tidy). My schedule of video production is out on http://thescarletqueen.com and that will be my structure in place to fulfil my promises to the world.
It is not easy to write 1500 words a day. To achieve that, I have to listen to music on loop. I have to clear all unspoken communications before writing. I have to set a date and time to do something to get it out of my head, no matter how trivial it is like doing the laundry. There is a level of performance required to concentrate with being intentional. But I am not always successful in my clearing, sometimes I do hit the word count goal, sometimes I get derailed.
I learnt a distinction that has a tremendous impact on my writings: disappearing. When I write not as myself, and disappear my identity, a new self emerges on page. That self is the universal self, and it no longer contains any of my fears or my wants. It contains universality in the form of a language that speaks to all and not only me. If I write as myself, it would be corrupted and disjointed and non linear. It makes total no sense and it is nonsensical. The moment I disappear myself – my fears are gone. My writings are clear. It contains a new found clarity and freedom of expression on page.
When I write not as myself, but as the universal self that connects to all – there is a flow of words that I would otherwise be unable to materialize. I am expressing myself not as my identity, but who I am. There is a difference between my identity and who I am. My identity contains past based experiences and it will come up to survive or protect me. But who I am as my word is a different way of being – it is about holding myself to my word and not allowing my identity to survive what I truly stand and believe in.
“Authenticity is being and acting consistent with who you hold yourself out to be for others, and who you hold yourself to be for yourself. When leading, being authentic leaves you grounded, and able to be straight with yourself, and straight with others without using force.” Being a Leader and The Effective Exercise of Leadership (https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1238158)
When I am who I am as my word the self that emerges is a new way of being and acting that is consistent on who I hold myself out to be. To be a world renowned author in 2021 is my word. This is what I am holding myself out to be as my word, and the self that is emerging right now is to be authentic about my relationships. I am keeping myself accountable to my family and friends and them, keeping me accountable to what I am aspiring to be as my word. There is a new found power and freedom of my self expression in this “holding out to be” phenomenon.
In the face of no agreement, I can create new possibilities by being authentic about what is working and not working. I can create new contexts by being an architect of my reality and dreams. I can live anywhere in the world and even if I am physically handicapped, I will still be my word.
