I fear for the condition of my mind as I tap into the past for the energies to make my writings come alive. Maybe having an almost perfect memory for words, situations and interactions is not a good thing. The mind remembers what it wants to remembers, by distorting what happened to become acceptable to what has happened. This distortion occurs to protect the ego.
Having an almost crystal clear 3D rendering of maps, puzzles and games is great for strategy but weak in linear thinking. Doing something repeatively makes me sad. My life, is like a loop and every time I try to walk out I am back to the same beginning.
My sadness is deepening like a huge gulf that seperates my reality from my dreams. I want to break free but when I do, the pervasive sadness seeps into my bones, crippling my movements, destroying my dreams.
My kingdom has fallen. It has. My mission has failed. The clearing now is to move on from a blank state. I believe I can recreate and reconstruct my reality. It can work when people see, understand and partake in the same clause.
As of now I will wait for the sadness to subside to create a happier tomorrow.
I am down with flu, and feeling really sick. The last time I fell seriously ill was sometime last year, which lasted for two weeks. I think this may be another episode. I am sleeping/reading/writing and doing low key activities. I think I may not be able to film, and unfortunately, this time I don’t have any back up episodes. I will have to think of alternatives, like compiling videos via editing, as long I don’t have a headache, it should be okay.
I did a conference call on Sunday with my Landmark group, although I was coughing at the background, I was trying my best to participate. What I dislike about falling sick is that I can’t do anything that requires more than 20% of my mental effort. I miss going to the office. I miss writing my novel. I miss filming. I miss the office cleaner. I miss writing emails. I miss so many things although it’s only a few days.
Tomorrow, I have to try to get out of the house for my appointments. I just hope not to infect others.
I feel particularly inspired by “Hatsune Miku”, the latest vocaloid who is currently the most famous singer in Japan, her songs being blared at train stations and departmental stores – except that she is a software and not a human. She reminds me about my younger self when I used to win dance competitions at the age of fourteen. But since I gave up the usage of my chinese name, all traces of my past fame has been removed from who I am today.
Which… slowly, I am learning that changing my name did not mean losing my innocence, but more so towards the evolution towards my true self.
After losing my first love, I gave up the usage of my Chinese name for an English name.
For I wanted to remember the sound of my name through his voice.
Even if it just remains a distant memory, I gave those years of my life to him.
Ever since changing my name, I had lived for my own.
Upon entering the office building, I am to tap my electronic card on the detector, which assigns the lift to my floor. I am unable to access any floor of the building except the floor my card is allocated to. I never have to touch a lift button or any human or object. Somehow I miss the human touch. I miss pressing the lift button, and sometimes, forgetting which floor I am on.
I have some left over habits from Japan. Since returning to office, I would always go into the convenience store to look for a snack or drink. I miss vending machines in Japan that disposed hot milk tea for 130 yen. I found that the convenience store near my office has so much Japanese type snacks. But due to my dietary habit not to consume sugar, I am unable to buy most of the snacks except the salty ones. I had a sandwich yesterday. Today, I decided on a pancake. I am on my second cup of milk tea. The first cup was coffee. They both have no sugar.
I am tired now after having worked for two hours. Wrote the prologue a little. Fixed some stuff. Replied some emails. Researched some videos. Got into the Mimi mind. I need to build up my stamina to work for four hours on two shifts, at the total of eight hours which is my aim. Which, is hard to achieve for creators because if lets say, I am doing repetitive tasks working eight hours without using much brain power is okay. But creating new content requires much more mental effort and my “creation” capacity is still between 2 – 4 hours a day. I may consider using my Saturday and Sunday mornings on two, two hour bursts to speed up my content creation.
I never understood why Tite Kubo, the creator of the manga series Bleach, would tweet about what he ate everyday instead of tweeting about his grand master plans to dominate the world with his comics. I finally understand now that artists have to get into a habit of creation. Somehow this blog is now serving as my “grounding” place where I can write about my thoughts before I start working on a mega project. Which I hardly want to talk about because I am already working so much on it.
I gave the office cleaning lady a cute flower pouch I got from Japan as a gift. She was elated. I somehow guessed she liked pouches and she confirmed my suspicions that she loved it so much and she needs pouches all the time to keep her belongings or “they will get lost”.
I am becoming a collector of pouches myself, and having being addicted to buying them most of the time other than key chains. I think on this Japan trip alone I bought over ten pouches and more than ten key chains from different shops to be given away. I just find them too cute and too unique that I can’t help but buy so many. Some of the unique key chains I got is a life size plastic model of tuna, peaches and a tied up girl in kimono.
I still haven’t been able to consume all the magazines and books I bought from Japan, which will take months. I have so much little presents to give away 😀 Maybe I should organise a friend’s gathering or just give them all away during this Chinese New Year.
Another unique trivia I learnt is that in Japan, they do not use the Lunar calendar to celebrate New Year. They follow the western calendar so their Golden Week (Japan version of Christmas) is over New Year. However, the Chinese still use the ancient thousand year old Lunar calendar to celebrate Chinese New Year. Which is a month away. Only babies born after Chinese New Year carry the astrological sign of the year. Which in this case, it is the Year of the Monkey! 😀
I can’t wait for Chinese New Year to be a a big Madame Santa!!!
There is so much to do and there is so little time. Increasingly, I find myself a little overwhelmed by emails. A Google Apps Statistics summary for my email account at thescarletqueen.com to have received 1000 emails for the month of November.
I have decided to use Zoho Project Management instead of Thrive Solo. I still use Google Keep on the side for my To Do List. I am way behind schedule and I will be working overtime this month. One shift in the office, and another shift at home. I don’t want to take any more holidays. I am officially quite sick of traveling after having traveling every other month last year due to low fuel prices. What I really want to do right now is finish my half completed projects and start my marathon novel writing for The Ocra.
I might change the name of the sequel to something more catchy like Blue Ocra. I don’t know. For the Red Hourglass it was quite obvious to me when I read up about the deadly black widow spider while in Australia and I wondered how cool it would be if I could write a book about female agents who kill to serve.
I had hopes for filming with a green screen but the light bulbs that came in seem to be not working, if powered incorrectly it could potentially short circuit the building as the lighting equipment is of a extremely high voltage.
I feel quite refreshed coming back from Japan. But Japan is not a place I would like to stay in. I missed my flight as someone committed suicide right at 5.45pm downtown Osaka, halting the airport express train I was on. The media does not report suicide cases. What followed was a nightmare race against time taking local trains that has no English directions. Fortunately, we did reach the flight counter but we were 15 minutes too late and the gates had closed.
Staying in no mans land near Kansai Airport in Osaka for the next flight out was a novel experience. There was a convenience store under the hotel and every hotel in Japan. I got a bowl of fresh packaged ramen, which they microwaved on the spot. When I opened it, there was a piece of plastic at the bottom of the soup and noodles. I took the plastic out and wondered if I stay in Japan long enough would I become another robot humanoid like the girl in movie Cloud Atlas. To entertain myself, I bought a cat magazine that only featured kittens. On the television, was a show about cats on the Cat Island of Japan, featuring a cute girl in her twenties chasing and cooing them to come out to pet them and feed them with munchies while she talked to the locals.
A movie scene out of Cloud Atlas
The difference is we don’t have metallic collars like those girls in the picture above. But it would be cool to wear one as a fashion accessory. However, in the movie, the metallic collars can puncture their necks when they misbehave. Basically it’s a collar that kills. Looking at the picture, I miss being conformist by doing whatever other people are doing and queuing up in straight long lines obediently and their super clean streets and orderly lifestyles. For now I have to resort to being individualistic, messy and disorganized. But creative.
The moment of bliss is when time stops and it’s in that sweet perfect spot where all else doesn’t matter. The chatter becomes quiet and all is silent. The bliss spot.
The bliss hits when I am on the dance floor. My favourite song goes on and I am lost in the music. I am swaying to the beat, the music has entered my soul, and I am the slave to the beats that controls my body. Time has stopped and my body is moving. I have no sense of awareness. The sensory overload had overtaken my nerve endings. I am lost, lost and lost once again. I am so alive, alive and alive again. My body is screaming to move every muscle and cell. It’s screaming to let free. I break into a frenzied dance.
This is the bliss, the movement, the aliveness, the awareness. The moment of time where is lost, and lost and lost. I am screaming through my body movements. My soul is dying to break free through my skin. It calls out to the music as it explodes to the rhythm.
Right now, when I am writing this, my brain is in an overdrive. I love dancing and writing about dancing. It’s a contradiction. One requires movements and the other requires mental processes. But maybe dancing and writing are the same and it’s an expression of my soul wanting to be heard and seen for who I am. My bliss is in writing and dancing. In movement and analysis. In these paradoxical conflict. I love this zone. This is where I am finally able to connect to my soul.
My soul feels so alive now after dancing so much. I feel like writing pages after pages of never ending love stories. I want to write and dance endlessly as long I am in this body. My body serves to express my soul song. This is my dance. This is my writing. This is my bliss.
Last night and today, I wept and smiled to myself. I am not drunk, on drugs or anything. I am just feeling what I am feeling and letting it go. I used to stop myself from crying and rewire my brain to stay focused on work or distractions. Now, when I want to tear, I just let the tears flow. I am not sad, I am just letting go. These tears want to flow. I am in peace. It’s an entirely new experience to feel peaceful while tears roll down my cheeks. I am in grief, but I am free.
Last night I dreamt of my first love in my teenage years. For years I had avoided him and went to the extent of telling him I hated him. Our love was pure and wholesome. We were two teenagers lost in each other arms as we watched movies after movies after weekends after weekends and we spent time in arcades and lan shops playing computer games.
His parents were doctorate holders who studied in the states on scholarships. He was the only son, and the great great grand nephew of the author who wrote the “A Letter to My Wife” whom sacrificed his life to overthrow the monarchy in China. He was Taiwanese. He would share stories after stories of how his grandfather escaped by boat from the communist to Taiwan and left their wealth and businesses behind. He would share stories of how his distant ancestors were advisers to the Emperor of China.
He would send me hundreds of black and white text messages throughout the day when smartphones did not exist. He would hug me till our friends made fun of us being intimate in public. He talked marriage once we turned 21 and his dreams to be scientist and get his doctorate. He talked about working in laboratories with rats for his internship. He would include me in every step of his path and he wished for me to be dependent on him and not study. I know, this is the part now. He did not want me to have any ambition. He preferred me to be subservient to him and all his wishes. He had a strong opinion of being a provider.
It did not work out for both of us as I had my own ambitions and plans to be more than just his wife. We split after years of being bonded in every aspect. I dreamt of him last night and all our happy times walking by a pond with mandarin ducks swimming in pairs and watching the fireworks on Taipei 101 building. I recalled the way he would sweetly call his mum “mama” in a childish way even in front of all our friends who made fun of him being so soft.
I recalled him calling me by my Chinese name and refusing to call me by my English name. I recalled all these beautiful aspects of our relationship although I hated him for years for trying to suppress my interests and dreams by insisting I should follow him, and listen to him. He would always insist he was smarter than I am because of his genetics. I used to hold so much grudges against that I had to score well academically and go to university precisely because he was always belittling my intelligence.
Now, I finally let that all go and saw for once he loved me for who I was and he was the only person in my life whom I did consider spending the remaining dying days with. I could listen to his stories all day. His sincerity in his words, and his tenderness in his touch. I loved his brilliance, his gentleness. His chauvinism (as much as I disliked it as well). He was my soul mate, my love and my everything. For years and years, I never loved anyone but used my lovers for my own means. I used my lovers as distractions to my pain. There was no one other than him. No one as special as my first love. No one who treated me the way he treated me as he went to the ends of the world to make me happy by appearing at my doorstep with my favourite bubble tea.
I finally saw all these beautiful things of our relationship although it ended years ago. I finally cried tears of sorrow instead of tears of pain. I finally felt the full extent of our love that I had so foolishly denied to pursue my own ambitions and be opposite to everything he knew of me. From that sweet innocent girl, I turned into a man eating monster with an insatiable lust for accomplishments. I realised now, that it was a foolish thing I did. I should have accepted and parted ways based on incompatibility instead of proving him wrong. There was nothing to prove after all, our love was transcendent.
Over the years I watched him deteriorate in his body and mind as he fell into addictions and distractions as he dropped out of school and eventually dropped out of working. He is still depressed and did not ever recover from the lost of the love we once had. Out of guilt I had tried many ways to leave him in a happier place by talking to his close friends. I never succeeded as the guilt remained with me. I had chosen today consciously to let go of this gulit. I had done my best for our relationship, and I am ready to let go now.
As I write this letter, tears are falling from my cheeks, onto dress, onto my arms. I feel happy to shed these tears of grief and sorrow. I love him. My first love will forever be in my heart and my remaining days.
Life is an illusion and everything we do is meaningless.
We have to live in the present in an empty state
The past and future does not exist in our current reality
We should be choosing consciously to create our “now”
All labels, superstitions, social construct and stories are self imposed limitations
My new actions
Life
To continue doing what I do each day and design new possibilities by opening up and collaborating openly and networking with more writers, editors, publishers to get my name out in the open instead of being afraid of having to deal with people
To choose to adopt instead of having my own children as my choice.
To take full responsibility of my actions instead of avoiding problems
To publish my authentic and honest poetry and short stories that I wrote and take responsibility for the outcome of their controversial content
To enter into new partnerships to reinvent and recreate the future that I believe in for the benefit of humanity
To participate, read and write actively about orphans and channel the Hourglass Series loyalties towards foundations for orphans as part of my life work
To write a new series called The Switch about how switching as top and bottom in dual roles in relationships can empower couples to accept their dual nature and achieve open and honest partnerships that deal with past regressions actively instead of the imbalanced relationships we now have in our modern world where there is no gender equality although we think there is. To channel the loyalties of The Switch to enable others to accept their uniqueness.
To record audio content on empowering “minions” to accept their nature and integrate their nature into society in full acceptance of their identity without fears. Patreon contributions will be channeled to the Scarlet Queen Youtube to enable more viewers to get onto the series to participate in this active conversation on what it means to be a “minion” or “knight”.
To empower others around me by continuing to inspire them by the actions I take to impact the world one step at a time
To spend quality time with my friends and family and stay in the present instead of looking to the future but just being present and focusing on the conversation “now” and “here” instead of being distracted by my thoughts.
To leave the world with “nothing” and fully actualized by re-contributing all my efforts back to humanity.
Business
To continue building sustainable businesses and consulting work to companies who want to cut down on resources and increase productivity by going on the cloud (Google Apps, CRM, eCommerce and Online Marketing) and eliminating transport and paperwork. I want companies to realise the possibility of going virtual without overheads and working from home and cafes to save on electricity and resources. To empower women to work from home to spend more quality time with their family and friends instead of commuting back and forth to work with not much productivity done in the office due to inefficient processes. I will continue to offer my business consulting services to companies who want to achieve these outcomes to modernise and get on the cloud.
To develop my publishing business by writing more books in a series to increase the valuation of the company and the impact of written works through an organised structure by delivering my products on time to the market regularly. I will have to consistently write two books a year and if it means I am unable to take up a consulting project, I still have to stick to this deadline before committing to any other projects as the writing books takes first priority in my productive working hours. However, if my books do not generate income, I will do the minimum amount of consultancy projects to cover my daily expenses and lower my expenses in a way I can sustain my standard of living without having to take a day job to continue my life work.
My feelings
I feel more empowered to do the things I had set out to do but with a lasting impact on the society instead of my egoistical reasons. I would like the impact of my daily work to be felt by humanity in a positive way and leave the world with my creations of art and beauty through the medium of audio clips, youtube videos and books that enable others to fully express their inner natures without fears. I would like to use my limited lifespan on earth to live actively instead of waiting for something to happen. I will take steps daily and stay in the present and enjoy the process of my actions while I accomplish my goals. Even writing this blog is egoistic. I know what I write on this blog will be immortalised forever on cyberspace in internet archives and this is the intention to do so, to make my ideas and thoughts available to everyone even after my death.
This is my actualised state as I spent long tranquil hours in the library and bookstores when I was a child and I knew I would be a writer. I feel at peace with myself when I read or write. I have nothing to prove but to contribute my knowledge to the world. I love reading and I love writing about my thoughts and how I interact with this reality. I want my creations to be part of the human consciousness, and for others to interact with my creations that leaves them empowered and motivated to make a sociopolitical difference by the small decisions they take. I want to live an authentic life and write fiction that is as close to reality.
I feel empowered to make a difference in the lives of others. I had been doing so but I lost my drive by choosing to be in partnerships with people whose values were not aligned with mine. I have to choose to enter into new partnerships that aligns with my values in order to create a more powerful contribution to the society. I want to be more clear in my definitions over time to accomplish my mission in life. I will be rethinking about these things over the Christmas and New Year period to set new resolutions for 2016. I no longer want to live in my shadow life and to live the life that is truly who I am with the full acceptance of what I am. I hope by accomplishing what I set out to do, others will feel the impact of my creations to live a more fully expressive life without fear.
Another day in this highly densely populated vertical city. My life revolves around shopping malls alternating with my co working office and gym. A triangle lifestyle of going to three different points on weekdays. If this is the urbanised mode of living, going from one building to the next, then I am living indoors almost the whole day. Probably as compared to trekking a hill or climbing up some cliffs, the death rate is low except for car accidents. But why do I feel so discomforted in such a safe haven?
I have a compelling urge to travel and explore the unknown territories. To drive down the roads leading up hills and right to the edge of the ocean cliffs. I want to feel uncomfortable. I want to feel challenged by my environment. But there is no mountain to climb nor ocean to see here. It’s just buildings after buildings. Food is served fast in convenience chains and franchises.
I miss my old life in Melbourne where food is served slowly, and there are endless of parks and nature to explore down trails and paths that lead to no where. I miss visiting the large pond in the university campus. It takes about half an hour to walk there but it’s worth the walk down the windy path to feed the ducks before sunset. I would meet a friend there, and she would pack extra home cooked food to share. I miss that slowness of and enjoyment of life.
Now, time is measured as money, and people are scrambling and rushing everywhere in this city. By 6pm, the lights go out and the office closes to save on electricity. The soap is automatically dispensed so that germ contamination is minimal. The public areas is cleaned multiple times a day by a throng of cleaners. It’s an OCD paradise. You probably never have to touch another human in this sterile and cold environment. The clinical aspect of this city makes me miss the warm and friendly nature of Melbournians.
I never see happy faces or smiles. Only fake polite smiles from service staff. It’s cold and distant. It’s part of city life. I don’t really like it. I feel quite foreign here. There is no realness or aliveness to anything. It’s close to being robotic. The motions are constant, the schedules do not change. It’s the same process everyday. Everything is delivered on time, precisely without any errors. It’s voted one of the best cities in the world, one of the most expensive even. But there are no humans here, only robots.
I feel a need to go into the jungle and get lost in the unknown. That is probably a more natural state of being human, is to go on a constant adventure and not know what you are in for. Not sterile robotic utopia. I believe in the organic development of creativity, not government imposed rules and regulations to meet requirements to be “innovative”. That, stifles creations. Creativity should grow naturally like plants in a forest, and not in an artificial greenhouse with added fertilizer. Being in a greenhouse kills the plants state to evolve. In the wild however, they can mutate, they can cross propagate, they can become hybrids.
I feel I am an exception to the norm of this city, I am a wild plant in this greenhouse. But it’s stifling and I feel breathless at times. It is true that it is as safe as a haven it can get with such sterile standards, but the lack of the unknown makes me dull and dream about my next road trip although I had barely landed. I don’t seem to take root in this city. I am like a drifter in the clouds, in the cloud virtual space, floating, floating. I can’t seem to settle or germinate. It’s an endless state of being lost in transition.
I find it really really strange that the co-working office that I chose resembles fictional Wilmar Entreprises completely. I have to exchange my ID for a security pass to enter the sliding glass gate. After that, I have to tap my card on the electronic reader to go to the office floor. I am greeted by the 180 degree view of the skyline. Little rats are stuck in their cubicles in small cramped spaces. Fortunately, I have a corner desk to my own and no one is around my radius as the place I chose to set my laptop on is an open concept working area partitioned by a wooden screen. I can check in and out anytime, and stop my co working plan at a month notice. There is no commitment and if I see fit, I could fly to an island next month to write in solitude.
I am looking at my earlier half completed writing projects. I was simply mind blown at the things I wrote when I was so confused about my identity. OH GOSH. It’s very promising. I just have to rework them a little here and there, and I can’t believe I was so sick in the head. I had toned down over time, but oh boy the content of what I wrote in the past is much more controversial than now. The pictures that I pasted into the writing templates are no different from what I still do look at today. There is lots of pictures with rope and women. The rest is your imagination…
After much contemplation, I had decided to rework my old short stories and poetry and publish them over the next few months in ebook formats. I want to immortalise them forever. But they are in need of serious editing as I wrote them when I was in my teenage years. The rawness of the words makes me feel so connected to what I had lost over the years as I tried to “fit” into society to feel “belonged”. But no one person is the same as the other, and humans conform to protect themselves. I have to accept and reintegrate my uniqueness as part of me again, to be a better artist for the world.
