by | | Her
Some days I feel really happy and comfortable to be in this life. This one short life, that can be taken away any instant. Our bodies are so fragile, the elements are so strong. One wrong move, and we will be wiped away from the face of earth.
It’s a temporal transient life.
A short bittersweet life with a spectrum of passions.
A life worth and not worth living, depending on the day.
Sometimes the pain is so great that it almost feels like ecstasy.
I alternate between laughing or crying to sleep.
I censor my words so I can live one more day without the fear of being censored forever.
Am I truthful with my feelings? Yes. That I can say, at least at the very least, I know I had been honest in my journey without being a fake. I know that this is the authentic me, speaking, writing and breathing. This is my joy.
But my reality? It is a living nightmare.
I wished and I wanted it to be a beautiful life, but now. There is just bloodstains. When tears bleed, you know it’s not just sadness anymore.
As I pass through this transient life, like all other transient beings, I just want to leave the world a more beautiful place than when I was first here. This is my only task left in this life.
by | | Her
Inside insanity zone
you had pushed me off the cliff
I had warned you not to do so
but you did.
You fucking did.
You sent me spiraling down
Now. I don’t see rainbows.
I only see death. desolation. destruction
in every corner of my mind.
You had used me for your own convenience
But now, I give you the fucking middle finger.
Just get the fuck out of my life.
I want to move on.
With you around, I can’t move on.
I need you to leave.
by | | Her
Falling off the grid
I hate my life
and myself
Don’t think I can love again.
If there is a delete button
I would press it right now.
I used to, used to
believe in happy ever afters
Now they are bloodied fields of red
not with dead bodies
but from my tears that turned red
Don’t tell me to believe again
I gave up believing
There is only one way out
which is to fall off the grid.
by | | Her
Deprivation of love, is like deprivation of oxygen.
I think I had gone too long without breathing with love. My words had dried up as emotions were sucked out of them. As it is with writing, writing is controlled by emotional states. When one’s emotional state is numbed, the words do not flow. Like a dried tap, my words were devoid of any emotions for a long time. They were almost academic, almost still. They did not jump off page, they are just static. Why does my writings feel so lifeless? I ask myself sometimes. It took me some time to realise that I had been deprived of love since I was a child. The deprivation of love is the most painful emotion in the world that one can ever experience. Love came to me in twisted forms, and mangled shapes. It appeared to me like a curse, or a burden. Love was in the form of punishments and obedience. Love was conditional, and it was expected for love to occur, I have to do something in return. I have to keep quiet, do my home work, remain invisible.
Love was not present in my life, love was deprived of my life.
The lack of love, is the fundamental reason why I am unable to see myself in the mirror.
To accept myself for who I am, to believe in myself.
For years I had been told to be someone else.
Only recently I gained a breakthrough in my mindset in regards to this; that I am deserving of love.
I no longer want to deprive myself of the love that I deserve, and that I need.
I want to feel my fans worship me, instead of brushing it off.
I want to feel loved and adored.
I want love, and I want love to dissolve all my pain.
I had started to believe in love, and in hope once again.
Not for others but for myself.
I will mend the pieces of my broken life
And welcome love into my life again.
I never thought I would have the courage to do this, but I had decided I am deserving and I will move on from this point.
by | | Her, Random
Is my favourite city in the world. Walking through a live history book. Finding hidden streets and nooks. Lovely espresso and soft instrumental music. This is my new paradise and I am loving every moment of it and I don’t want this to ever end. Although I am alone I feel so alive and energized. Can’t wait to come back again.
by | | Her, Random
I love literary London and walking along Bloomsbury streets where writers once lived and made history by writing books that left a lasting impression on the human consciousness. I would like to go on a similar tour like this in Hangzhou, China and learn about what inspired the literary Chinese to create Butterfly Lovers and Madame White Snake.
It is unfortunate that I have more knowledge about the western world than the eastern world although my family originated from the east. I could blame communism and China’s closed doors policy for that gulf but I hope in future more interest and preservation of the Chinese culture will be explored.
I am officially exhausted after three days of hyper excitement. I have finally collapsed in bed and admit defeat for exploring too much in a short time. They said that the writers in Bloomsbury had relationships in triangles but lived in squares. The tour only proved novelists were wacky, and poets drove lovers to madness, editors pissed everyone off. We ended the tour in the British Museum, which was the former book depository.
Amazing how they kept every copy of every book printed in the gardens. Now books are electronic now and it is not necessary to store hard copy books. I joke with my dad sometimes if William Somerset was alive would he have imagined that people are reading his books on electronic readers.
There are about 55 000 books published each year online (I think this are the numbers but correct me if I am wrong). No library in the world can store so much books but now, everything is stored on the cloud depositary. The cloud may be humans best invention to date. Imagine the number of forests and trees being saved. Imagine so much information is available in a swipe. I love this world we live in now where information is so accessible.
*Daydreams
by | | Her, Random
I have a very strange idea walking around the streets of inner London, a very strange crazy idea. I want to write a contemporary history walking guide. One with audio podcast and reading materials in the form of chapters. Similar to lonely planet, tourists can download each chapter for a dollar, and maybe another dollar for the audio. They can plug their earphones into their phones and listen to the audio while they walk around the city and follow in the footsteps of the audio guide. They can press the pause button if they want to spend more time on one attraction.
I wish for something like that for lonely travelers and I am surprised no one has done that? Everything is going electronic now and soon tour guides will not be needed when one can listen to the audio guide at their own one and pace.
I spent hours every night reading about Greek history and trying to figure out the meaning behind some of the monuments and statues I saw, which era they are form and why they are made. But there is not much information no matter how much I read as its too ancient and even tour guides do not really know why, but offer theories to the location of the Atlantis and ancient cities that lie beneath their current city. I wish I had an audio guide while I looked at the attraction so I don’t have to spend too much time reading and figuring things out. Tour guides were too expensive in Greece and rare.
I feel that London is now my favourite city in the world, followed by New York and Paris. I love the artistic and cultural history of the city and it is as if I am walking through a history book exploring little nooks.
I had not slept much for two days as I am so excited for London. I wake up before my alarm and can’t help but read about the city. Admittedly, I am tired of traveling at this point having probably covering about 20 000 miles in less than 8 months. I am on the plane every alternate month and I am starting to miss the stability of having a fixed home. This year I had been to Paris, Sydney, Penang, Hong Kong, Indonesia. The trips mostly are my getaways to finish my novel deadline and I am happy to say that I had finished writing my first complete novel and it will be ready for publication by end October.
I would think that authors below the age of thirty are few, as our young energetic bodies can’t stay still with such intense marathon focus to complete 80 000 words with a single goal of a narrative that makes sense with a start and an end. To combat this fidgety aspect of my personality, and my hyper active nature, I travelled to write. Most of the better parts my novel are written when I travelled. In total, the Red Hourglass was written in these countries over 4 years :
New York: 3000 words
Subway scene, visited twice in 2011 and 2013
Sydney: 5000 words
Romantic scenes
Madrid: 5000 words
Inner monologue of main character
Penang: 5000 words
Rewrites of protagonist love interests
Melbourne: flashes and snippets
Initial beta stage of figuring out if I was writing a thriller or fantasy novel and I settled for a thriller.
Hong Kong: initial research stage for sequel
Of course I won’t take another four years for the sequel but a year at most. I personally feel that the first novel is the hardest as the fundamentals and background has to be solidified before the sequels can be written in the same universe. I am excited to write the sequel soon and I can’t wait.
by | | Her, Random
Hollow narrow mellow
Beats of uneven drums
Crash fall inwards
Ghostly images
His face
void
by | | Her, Random
For the past few days I was filled with excitement as I read up everything I could about London. I booked six theatre shows and memorized the areas for walking trails. I booked a place near the heart of the city, ready to take it on and explore in depth into the London scene.
There is deep disappointment in my heart, however, as I seem not to know anyone from London. Alone in this stretch of my journey, I finally feel lost, isolated, and to the point I almost felt like crying when i misplaced my keys. I only misplace my keys when I feel very anxious and the last time I felt so much anxiety was the first day at university in a sprawling campus and I was lost in directions to rush for my lecture.
I ask myself what was my mistakes in trying to make London friends but I can’t seem to make or keep any. I had visited many countries and staying over on friends sofas. I ask myself why has my relationship with Londoners fail and I find myself sighing.
I never intended to come alone. It was a matter of circumstances that made this trip so lonely. A part of me now yearns to visit my relatives residing in the UK outside London. But then again, I hope there is a better tomorrow and I will learn to move on from this point.
by | | Her
Over commitment.
Would be the best words to describe my current state.
Is having three calenders living out different identities normal?
Humans have many different levels of needs, maybe I am experiencing and fulfilling them all in different ways to serve my ego. The self actualisation need is why I continue writing on this virtual blog space. The sense to reorganize and re-control what is the foundational core of my base personality.
On my butterfly wings, are the many projects I concurrently run simultaneously. Not alone of course, I have to engage the help of vendors, supporting cast, to get the acts together to near the projects completion. My mind, is an architect mind indeed. I don’t know how to describe it but in my visions I am creating new realities like no other, in my dreams, in my visions in the things I do, each day, I try to bring it forth to reality.
That is the ultimate creator mode that I aspire to achieve but sometimes I fall and don’t get my bearings right, and everything clutters up like squeeze balls. Too much traveling has became detrimental to my organizational skills, I need to slow down on my wanderlust aspect.
Knowing I have people dependent on my performance, and consumers waiting to buy my creations keep me going. But sometimes I feel time is running faster than I can run against it. I try to do everything I can really fast, and outsource everything I can possibly outsource. But sometimes when it comes down to it, I have to do the most important, crucial tasks. And the responsibility gear shifts to gear four. It gets very stressful when the bottom line hits, and everything is all about results.
The results, is usually calculated by numbers. How many people are viewing, subscribing, consuming, buying. How many clients are satisfied. How many viewers are dreaming about your creations. The overall impact of the artist architect creations is the sum of how successful he has achieved his aim.
In reality, I would like more monetary resources to get more acts come together. For example, I envision filming a full length movie about The Scarlet Queen. I also envision a team working behind my Red Hourglass series. At the same time, I still do consultancy work. I enjoy it. no doubt. Maybe my mind is just meant to run on multiple tracks, and not one track.
Maybe I am finally living out my fullest potienial.
And instead of living the shadow life, I am living the professional life.
Turning Pro. Best book ever on finding one’s calling. I highly recommend it.
Some days I feel really happy and comfortable to be in this life. This one short life, that can be taken away any instant. Our bodies are so fragile, the elements are so strong. One wrong move, and we will be wiped away from the face of earth.
