You are Averral, a wonderful, artistic, passionate, beautiful poet and a young woman who is making her way in the world.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty’s not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart…
Muse – Undisclosed Desires
…….
My desires had been reconciled.
I had found my voice.
I had found my soul.
And all I have to do now.
Is WRITE!
My prerogative. My narrative. My words.
Of course no one can take these away from me, my thoughts are my own. I can write whatever I want, and get away with it. It shouldn’t please anyone, nor it is for anybody, except for myself. I write for myself. My own sanity. I write because I am born to do it, like how a baby learns to crawl on their own. It’s a natural instinct.
The moment I have to write for others, is the moment I am killing my own desire to write for my own, innate desire to create, and explore, the themes in life that interests me.
Like how I film my videos, I do them because I like doing them. I don’t want to do certain things unless I feel in the mood to do it. I determine what I want.
The viewers can only watch.
The viewers can only read.
This is what being an artist entrepreneur is about.
I create.
You consume.
Yup, these two roles are very well defined. I had chosen to create, and to consume for the sake to create more. I no longer find pleasure in consuming. I only find pleasure in my own creations, my own worlds… in my own fantasy.
I am becoming one with my vision in the pursuit of love and freedom.
I can feel it close, but sometimes, it burns me like the sun, when I get too close. And I fall.
Falling is part of creation.
Failure is just another reason to try harder.
I know I will reach there —- eventually.
I just have to keep trying, failing, trying…
And soon, you will see my grand design.
There was a lighthouse in the distance.
I was drifting in the sea, floating, half submerged
There were no sensations in my arms or legs
But my eyes were wide open.
How did I get here? I don’t know. But it seems, I had been floating on top of the water for a long long time, for so long, that I no longer felt my arms or legs. I no longer have any thoughts, but only my sight remained. There is no hunger nor pain. There is just… a small tingle of hope.
I remembered now, he pushed me off the boat upon finding the treasure. I remembered it clearly, like it was yesterday. He loaded the treasure onto the small boat and tied an heavy chest onto my ankle before he pushed me off.
Yes, I remembered sinking and blanking out. I remembered something take over me that instant. The darkness. The shadow self, that blinded my vision. When I woke up, I was floating on top of the water.
I wondered what he wanted to do with those treasures without me, has he lost his mind?! We had searched for the lost treasure for years, and we finally found the island, that was not located on any map. But it was a series of riddles we had to solve. It was by pure luck and accident, we found the hidden treasure.
I remembered the many handwritten letters he wrote to me, to persuade me to go on this hard journey into the unknown, into the vast ocean, finding something so difficult. He wanted to work no more as a low life. He wanted to be… different.
Go on this journey with me. Please.
I guess he didn’t want to share those treasures with me, he had other plans. But during the journey, he fooled me into thinking we are going to live happily ever, with our own garden in the countryside, with a few adopted cats, and a chicken coop. And we will finally own a home.
He took the treasures, and pushed me off the boat. He fooled me into this imaginary future. I don’t know how did I end up floating on top of the sea, but the lighthouse now was in the distance and I had to swim towards it.
Fortunately the direction of the wind was pushing me towards shore. I could smell the forest now. It will be only a matter of hours before I will feel land below my feet.
This time, I am safe.
3am
The roaring sound of thunder.
Dipping droplets of rain.
Another night awake again.
Is there no one I can trust? There is only looking forward now.
The caverns.
The oasis.
The sinkhole.
Again and again the scenes revisit me.
Tormenting me. Seducing me, to go under….
and never come out.
The real world is unreal
The only reality left
Is in my dreams
We are both on the dance floor
In the discotheque
Neon lights – heart pounding beats
Your whiskey breath – your wild smile
Your board shoulders – your big hands
We are dancing to bachata
A close contact dance – swaying slowly
Kiss. Fumez. C’est la vie.
Tears. Thunder. Rain.
Waves. Cascading. Down.
A swirling whirlpool
Takes me down again
Into that familiar place
It’s like dying all over again.
3am
The time we left the club, and kissed at the pier.
That night and many nights after
My memories became frozen
At that very same spot
Unable to move
Past the memory
Of where you left
You never said good bye
Or offered those closures
To the roads you opened
It is happening again and again
Like a loop that replays itself
Like a movie reel that is set on repeat
Like a song that only has a chorus
Suspended in time and space
We were lovers in that space
For the rest of eternity
I may never forget that
And before I do
I will immortalise that love
With a piece of art
Dedicated to you and only you
My Mr Mysterious.
Good bye.
I have to move on now to slay the demons.
I don’t want to fall sleep.
I don’t want to wake up either.
Those demons are pulling me into the abyss.
I don’t want to go back there..
I found myself back in the dark cavern, there were hissing sounds of demons lurking in the corners of the large stone cave. Not one, not two, a few, hissing sounds were coming from all directions. I got to run. Now.
I ran as fast as I could away from the hissing sounds, as the putrid smell of decomposed meat drifted through the cold damp air. The cave was dark, pitch black dark, but I continued running in the dark, not knowing where I was running to. I had to get away from the hissing, away from those monsters, I had to escape!
I hit a hard rock on my knees, and stumbled onto the cold grainy stone. I knew my knees were bleeding. I could smell iron. I licked my open wounds, the aftertaste of blood and dust filled my tongue.
The hissing sounds were coming near and near towards me. I could not see them, but I was starting to feel their breath behind my back. Their sticky tongues licking my legs, licking my neck, closer and closer, as I struggled against them, trying to crawl away. I felt my clothes being torn apart by their teeth, as they held me back with their long rope like tongues.
I can’t see those demons, but there were a few of them. And I was alone. I was panting, my lungs were failing me, my breathing was starting to become heavy, irregular. My heart beat became eccentric.
I caught the glimpse of their shiny beady eyes, staring right into my skin, I tried to punch their eyes. But their tongues curled onto my limbs, covering my mouth, covering my eyes. The slimy tongues, the long slithering tongues of ropes, consuming….
I let out a muffled scream.
It is like being alone in the middle of a deep deep ocean. The depths is too deep, and there is no reprieve. There is no solutions. And there is this heaviness in my chest all the way to my arms, and legs. There is concentrated pain in my right leg, and right temple, throbbing throughout the night.
There is a haunting emotion, that eats me, that tells me, it is not all over, it is still there, face it, face your demons. The demons are chasing me, this time they are chasing me into corner, and I have no choice but to turn around to slay them.
At this point, I could not slay the demons. They circle me, with their long forked tails, slithering, hissing, and growling — I am stuck in the middle, trembling in fear. That… I could not make out alive this time.
I start to crumble inside, breaking, apart, into pieces, into cracks of fragmented mirrors, into shards of diamonds, into a thin glass that became hollowfied. My mask falls onto the ground, the half black and white mask, only my bare skin remains. In all nakedness, as the demons circle me, nearer and nearer, waiting for an attack point.
I curl up into a foetal position, praying, whispering, pleading, for them to go away. but they come nearer anyway. I feel the bites. The growls. The tearing of my flesh. They chew on me, they eat me up, bit by bit.
Then all is blank.
And I wake up from the dream, drenched in cold sweat.
The heaviness of my head on my pillow… I am unable to lift my hands nor head. The heaviness is stinking my head down. The alarm rings. I try with all my might to turn the alarm off with the tips of my fingers, before my hand collapses into a heap onto the mattress again. I dart my eyes around the room. Sunlight is pouring in from the windows, but I can’t get up.
My eyes close again, and I fall into another nightmare.
There are a thousand things I want to do in my life.
But there is this sadness inside.
No matter how much I have, will never be complete.
As long there is suffering in this world.
It depresses me.
It is hard not to feel depressed watching the news, listening to the radio or just people watching.
There are some nights, I spend just imagining, what if I do not wake up tomorrow.
Will it make a difference?
I don’t think I could make a difference in anyway.
Not at the scale I would like it to be.
Maybe on a smaller scale, maybe.
My list:
1) Finish my novel
2) Travel to Melbourne
3) Visit Great Ocean Road
4) Complete filming
5) Travel to New York
6) Publish.
That’s all it is to my new year resolution.
I had stopped dreaming.
Because I am living.
The ancient chinese scholars believed in accomplishment in the four arts: calligraphy, drawing, music and strategy. In the west, the renaissance man was the ideal: to merge the world of arts and sciences together.
In the modern world, we are so focused on specialization of skills that we do not develop our full talents/abilities and might never unlock our full potential.
In every field, learn from the best, merge your awareness and heighten your consciousness to release the creative drive… waiting desperately to be unleash.
Pick up that old instrument, pick up a new language, or dance, keep learning, it might seem redundant at first, but keep exploring and experimenting, then only you can find yourself and help others.
Only time is the greatest enemy.
Its been a long time since I wrote on this virtual wall.
Or done any Scarlet Queen videos.
Or penned any poetry
Or just write for the sake of writing.
I wish I could find some answers
I am a little lost at the moment
A confused circle of circus
Sometimes I wish I can express myself more freely
After all, its one of the fundamental human liberties to do so.
If I was living in a time, like the age of enlightenment
I would aspire to be a philosopher, probably an erotic one.
No, I was joking. A better word, would be to be a controversial philosopher.
I am lost because I had found my prince
But I am unsure of what to do in the future
I am lost because I have not closed my past
If there is even closure to begin with
Maybe, life doesn’t give any closures
It just keeps moving, there is no end to things
that happen, or happened, or has happened.
Insomnia nights, nights that the lights don’t go off
Even after turning off the lights, they come on again
as bright as the headlights of your car in my mind
They are the nights that consume, that questions, that asks
If there is a validity of existence, if there is any salvation if there is any
I am just disappointed.
Disappointed with life
Disappointed with what I had done
Disappointed with some people
Disappointed, at not being enough.
I am disappointed, despondent, and down.
It will be some time before I pick up where I had left off.
Once I find that peace, I might move on from here.
For now, I am in the woods.
Hoping to be found.
