Bliss Spot

by | | Her, Transformation

The moment of bliss is when time stops and it’s in that sweet perfect spot where all else doesn’t matter. The chatter becomes quiet and all is silent. The bliss spot.

The bliss hits when I am on the dance floor. My favourite song goes on and I am lost in the music. I am swaying to the beat, the music has entered my soul, and I am the slave to the beats that controls my body. Time has stopped and my body is moving. I have no sense of awareness. The sensory overload had overtaken my nerve endings. I am lost, lost and lost once again. I am so alive, alive and alive again. My body is screaming to move every muscle and cell. It’s screaming to let free. I break into a frenzied dance.

This is the bliss, the movement, the aliveness, the awareness. The moment of time where is lost, and lost and lost. I am screaming through my body movements. My soul is dying to break free through my skin. It calls out to the music as it explodes to the rhythm.

Right now, when I am writing this, my brain is in an overdrive. I love dancing and writing about dancing. It’s a contradiction. One requires movements and the other requires mental processes. But maybe dancing and writing are the same and it’s an expression of my soul wanting to be heard and seen for who I am. My bliss is in writing and dancing. In movement and analysis. In these paradoxical conflict. I love this zone. This is where I am finally able to connect to my soul.

My soul feels so alive now after dancing so much. I feel like writing pages after pages of never ending love stories. I want to write and dance endlessly as long I am in this body. My body serves to express my soul song. This is my dance. This is my writing. This is my bliss.

A Beautiful First Love

by | | Her, Transformation

Last night and today, I wept and smiled to myself. I am not drunk, on drugs or anything. I am just feeling what I am feeling and letting it go. I used to stop myself from crying and rewire my brain to stay focused on work or distractions. Now, when I want to tear, I just let the tears flow. I am not sad, I am just letting go. These tears want to flow. I am in peace. It’s an entirely new experience to feel peaceful while tears roll down my cheeks. I am in grief, but I am free.

Last night I dreamt of my first love in my teenage years. For years I had avoided him and went to the extent of telling him I hated him. Our love was pure and wholesome. We were two teenagers lost in each other arms as we watched movies after movies after weekends after weekends and we spent time in arcades and lan shops playing computer games.

His parents were doctorate holders who studied in the states on scholarships. He was the only son, and the great great grand nephew of the author who wrote the “A Letter to My Wife” whom sacrificed his life to overthrow the monarchy in China. He was Taiwanese. He would share stories after stories of how his grandfather escaped by boat from the communist to Taiwan and left their wealth and businesses behind. He would share stories of how his distant ancestors were advisers to the Emperor of China.

He would send me hundreds of black and white text messages throughout the day when smartphones did not exist. He would hug me till our friends made fun of us being intimate in public. He talked marriage once we turned 21 and his dreams to be scientist and get his doctorate. He talked about working in laboratories with rats for his internship. He would include me in every step of his path and he wished for me to be dependent on him and not study. I know, this is the part now. He did not want me to have any ambition. He preferred me to be subservient to him and all his wishes. He had a strong opinion of being a provider.

It did not work out for both of us as I had my own ambitions and plans to be more than just his wife. We split after years of being bonded in every aspect. I dreamt of him last night and all our happy times walking by a pond with mandarin ducks swimming in pairs and watching the fireworks on Taipei 101 building. I recalled the way he would sweetly call his mum “mama” in a childish way even in front of all our friends who made fun of him being so soft.

I recalled him calling me by my Chinese name and refusing to call me by my English name. I recalled all these beautiful aspects of our relationship although I hated him for years for trying to suppress my interests and dreams by insisting I should follow him, and listen to him. He would always insist he was smarter than I am because of his genetics. I used to hold so much grudges against that I had to score well academically and go to university precisely because he was always belittling my intelligence.

Now, I finally let that all go and saw for once he loved me for who I was and he was the only person in my life whom I did consider spending the remaining dying days with. I could listen to his stories all day. His sincerity in his words, and his tenderness in his touch. I loved his brilliance, his gentleness. His chauvinism (as much as I disliked it as well).  He was my soul mate, my love and my everything. For years and years, I never loved anyone but used my lovers for my own means. I used my lovers as distractions to my pain. There was no one other than him. No one as special as my first love. No one who treated me the way he treated me as he went to the ends of the world to make me happy by appearing at my doorstep with my favourite bubble tea.

I finally saw all these beautiful things of our relationship although it ended years ago. I finally cried tears of sorrow instead of tears of pain. I finally felt the full extent of our love that I had so foolishly denied to pursue my own ambitions and be opposite to everything he knew of me. From that sweet innocent girl, I turned into a man eating monster with an insatiable lust for accomplishments. I realised now, that it was a foolish thing I did. I should have accepted and parted ways based on incompatibility instead of proving him wrong. There was nothing to prove after all, our love was transcendent.

Over the years I watched him deteriorate in his body and mind as he fell into addictions and distractions as he dropped out of school and eventually dropped out of working. He is still depressed and did not ever recover from the lost of the love we once had. Out of guilt I had tried many ways to leave him in a happier place by talking to his close friends. I never succeeded as the guilt remained with me. I had chosen today consciously to let go of this gulit. I had done my best for our relationship, and I am ready to let go now.

As I write this letter, tears are falling from my cheeks, onto dress, onto my arms. I feel happy to shed these tears of grief and sorrow. I love him. My first love will forever be in my heart and my remaining days.

My Breakthroughs

by | | Her, Transformation

My breakthroughs for Landmark Forum December 2015

• Life is an illusion and everything we do is meaningless.
• We have to live in the present in an empty state
• The past and future does not exist in our current reality
• We should be choosing consciously to create our “now”
• All labels, superstitions, social construct and stories are self imposed limitations

My new actions

Life

• To continue doing what I do each day and design new possibilities by opening up and collaborating openly and networking with more writers, editors, publishers to get my name out in the open instead of being afraid of having to deal with people
• To choose to adopt instead of having my own children as my choice.
• To take full responsibility of my actions instead of avoiding problems
• To publish my authentic and honest poetry and short stories that I wrote and take responsibility for the outcome of their controversial content
• To enter into new partnerships to reinvent and recreate the future that I believe in for the benefit of humanity
• To participate, read and write actively about orphans and channel the Hourglass Series loyalties towards foundations for orphans as part of my life work
• To write a new series called The Switch about how switching as top and bottom in dual roles in relationships can empower couples to accept their dual nature and achieve open and honest partnerships that deal with past regressions actively instead of the imbalanced relationships we now have in our modern world where there is no gender equality although we think there is. To channel the loyalties of The Switch to enable others to accept their uniqueness.
• To record audio content on empowering “minions” to accept their nature and integrate their nature into society in full acceptance of their identity without fears. Patreon contributions will be channeled to the Scarlet Queen Youtube to enable more viewers to get onto the series to participate in this active conversation on what it means to be a “minion” or “knight”.
• To empower others around me by continuing to inspire them by the actions I take to impact the world one step at a time
• To spend quality time with my friends and family and stay in the present instead of looking to the future but just being present and focusing on the conversation “now” and “here” instead of being distracted by my thoughts.
• To leave the world with “nothing” and fully actualized by re-contributing all my efforts back to humanity.

Business

• To continue building sustainable businesses and consulting work to companies who want to cut down on resources and increase productivity by going on the cloud (Google Apps, CRM, eCommerce and Online Marketing) and eliminating transport and paperwork. I want companies to realise the possibility of going virtual without overheads and working from home and cafes to save on electricity and resources. To empower women to work from home to spend more quality time with their family and friends instead of commuting back and forth to work with not much productivity done in the office due to inefficient processes. I will continue to offer my business consulting services to companies who want to achieve these outcomes to modernise and get on the cloud.
• To develop my publishing business by writing more books in a series to increase the valuation of the company and the impact of written works through an organised structure by delivering my products on time to the market regularly. I will have to consistently write two books a year and if it means I am unable to take up a consulting project, I still have to stick to this deadline before committing to any other projects as the writing books takes first priority in my productive working hours. However, if my books do not generate income, I will do the minimum amount of consultancy projects to cover my daily expenses and lower my expenses in a way I can sustain my standard of living without having to take a day job to continue my life work.

My feelings

I feel more empowered to do the things I had set out to do but with a lasting impact on the society instead of my egoistical reasons. I would like the impact of my daily work to be felt by humanity in a positive way and leave the world with my creations of art and beauty through the medium of audio clips, youtube videos and books that enable others to fully express their inner natures without fears. I would like to use my limited lifespan on earth to live actively instead of waiting for something to happen. I will take steps daily and stay in the present and enjoy the process of my actions while I accomplish my goals. Even writing this blog is egoistic. I know what I write on this blog will be immortalised forever on cyberspace in internet archives and this is the intention to do so, to make my ideas and thoughts available to everyone even after my death.

This is my actualised state as I spent long tranquil hours in the library and bookstores when I was a child and I knew I would be a writer. I feel at peace with myself when I read or write. I have nothing to prove but to contribute my knowledge to the world. I love reading and I love writing about my thoughts and how I interact with this reality. I want my creations to be part of the human consciousness, and for others to interact with my creations that leaves them empowered and motivated to make a sociopolitical difference by the small decisions they take. I want to live an authentic life and write fiction that is as close to reality.

I feel empowered to make a difference in the lives of others. I had been doing so but I lost my drive by choosing to be in partnerships with people whose values were not aligned with mine. I have to choose to enter into new partnerships that aligns with my values in order to create a more powerful contribution to the society. I want to be more clear in my definitions over time to accomplish my mission in life. I will be rethinking about these things over the Christmas and New Year period to set new resolutions for 2016. I no longer want to live in my shadow life and to live the life that is truly who I am with the full acceptance of what I am. I hope by accomplishing what I set out to do, others will feel the impact of my creations to live a more fully expressive life without fear.