I am progressing well these few weeks on writing the sequel that it is consuming most of my mental energy. I hardly could do anything else except focus, watch videos and do research. I am almost like a scientist holed up in a cubicle at this point, except that my specimens are humans.
When I was a child I used to think that one day I would grow up to be a writer of fiction as I loved reading and spent most of my childhood reading in the library and bookstores. It’s great that I am pursuing this full time at the moment as it was once a far away dream, and now I am actually an author!
I am averaging about 700 – 1300 words a day on average, and I spend about four hours a day writing, and the remaining time reading and doing research. I still have my dance itch and I had been going to the gym regularly as a way to detox from the mental process. After a few months of cross fit training, I think I am rather fit right now with defined lines appearing on skin. Not a bad thing for an author to have the body a dancer.
The problem with writing a novel is that everything else “worldly” seems trivia. It’s like everything I am doing right now is meaningless in the bigger scale of things, putting into perspective that the earth is billions of years old and we humans live only for about 80 years in the grand scale of the universe. It seems that even writing a book, out of hundreds of thousands of books being published each year, is just a book among millions of books.
I think it requires us to go beyond ourselves and start thinking about the wider implications and community than our individualistic needs to see the big picture of what is really happening and how it affects us daily. When I use this perspective of looking at the bigger picture and transforming it to something better instead of focusing on instant gratification (fame, money etc), I feel quite powerful. With this new perspective, I think I had regained clarity on what is really happening vs what I think is happening.
Back to writing… here is my video list research for the novel consisting on a very interesting video I found about elite female bodyguards.
The smell of freshly ground coffee beans beckoned me towards the coffee store, there, I broke my caffeine chastity. It’s much too much of an addiction. My grandmother never drank water and made a flask of coffee every morning. From the time I was a child, I was drinking coffee like water.
Filming Cheryl and Risque two days in a row has disorientated me a little. I slept for 12 hours straight to recover. My body feels like it is burning although I am not at the gym. Circuit training is torture with no limits on the threshold of after-pain. I am quite satisfied with my newly acquired four pack, but when I have to walk up the stairs I feel like cursing the shit outa my aching muscles.
Not sure how some novelists write for 34 hours a week, when I am struggling with 20 hours a week of writing before falling asleep at my desk to daydream (the cleaner would walk past and laugh at me) or having an incredible itch to exercise and get out of my chair. My average word count is now about 1000 per session, I still have no clue how to get to 2000 words per session. Move to the countryside and forsake city living perhaps?
I had been much more focused after attending the Landmark Forum. The key exercise of cutting my internal dialogue to get things done, is starting to show quite incredible results. I am no longer as stuck as I used to be, I am just moving and moving forward. Next, next and next. Life becomes a crazy roller coaster on maximum speed. I no longer really care what people think and I keep moving with the flow.
Dance lesson today was about learning a trick that involves the lead twisting the hand of the follower into a downward kneeling position and swinging the follower 360 degrees before she stands up again to continue dancing.
Twist and kneel, twist and kneel. We repeated the steps over and over and all I was thinking is how to enact that step privately on a victim, or to use it in sync with a aikido move. Then again, I am the follower so all I can do is try to follow and god dam it’s so difficult ! But nevertheless we did almost concluded the class learning that step.
After much self inflicted masohistic dance training and 14 000 steps on my Mi Band, and a brand new regime to quit coffee to write more hours to avoid a caffeine crash (I think I might fail on quitting coffee), and increasing my exercise schedule to five times a week on this marathon novel month, writing a thousand words a day still isn’t fast enough and I need to up it to a thousand five hundred words a day.
Don’t know why I am putting myself through all these when life can be easier just consuming and not creating, but the better question would be why aren’t most people creating in their short lifespans. But anyway I just got to do what I can.
When I was 19 years old, I took a three day company sponsored seminar and wrote down three goals: 1) Publish a book 2) Generate Passive Income 3) Visit New York. I had to write down my fear as well, which was Age. Then, we had to do a karate chop on a wooden board and “banish” our fears and achieve our goals. Well, all three goals did come true. What was next? On my friend’s recommendation I signed up for the Landmark Forum to find out “what is next”.
When I signed up, I was expecting another Toastmasters or personal development course. What really came out of it was actually, totally different from anything else I had ever experienced in my life. It’s powerful and life changing, and I believe the power of it’s roots is traced to Ancient Greece.
When I visited Greece last year, I was lots of ancient ruins and “forum” like amphitheaters. In primary school, my principal insisted that our school needed to build a 100 seater “forum” that was dug into the ground and we would practice choir or watch musical performances. The key here is “forum”.
The “forum” was the cradle of philosophical discussions in Ancient Greece that was then, used by the Roman Empire to create a civilization. In these forums, philosophers, artists, politicians would gather and discuss about intellectual ideas on how to build a civilization, how to create a democracy, and how to advance their empire. It was through the sharing and improving of ideas that the world we live in now has progressed to what it is.
On hindsight, ancient China did not have forums. Neither they had universities nor libraries like Rome. Because the Chinese culture was traditionally a “closed” culture, they could only advance their knowledge by passing it on to the next generation through apprenticeship. A master can only take a few disciples. Hence over the centuries, much knowledge is lost due to burning of written records and when masters “disappear”.
For this reason, things remain unchanged in China for hundreds of years as they held on to conservative traditions and a rejection to change. Till today, China does not have much technological innovation. They have to borrow of western ideas due to this lack of sharing and open collaboration. The lack of originality and creativity is due to sticking with proven formulas to generate results. However, in this cyber changing world, formulas that worked yesterday, will not work tomorrow.
The Landmark Forum opens up possibilities of change by intellectualising the process of thought and creating topics for open discussion with complete strangers. A moderator would lead the forum and bring up a new conversation topic. Then, participants are to pair up to take turns to talk about the topic.
When I read reviews on the Landmark Forum online, I am completely flabbergasted that people would think the Landmark is a cult. If Landmark is a cult, is Toastmasters a cult too? I believe that a course that promotes self actualisation and personal empowerment would open up our mind and create new ways of thinking and creation to find out what was not possible before.
After the three days of Landmark, I felt totally empowered to make key changes in my life. I felt totally connected to my soul purpose and what I had to do next. What I got out of it was not just what I had to do, but how to do it, and where my blind spots were. The Landmark Forum is in fact, one of the most powerful courses widely available to humankind today.
Here are some quotes from the Landmark Forum:
“The greater the idea, the greater the resistance.”
“Living a reasonable life is the lowest level of living.”
In essence, the Landmark Forum condenses the most powerful concepts written by philosophers that we can apply in our daily lives and interactions with others to gain clarity in our conversations. It creates distinctions by giving us new tools of language that we can use to bring into awareness of what we were not aware of before. Like riding a bicycle, we wouldn’t know how it feels to balance on a bike till we experience the motion of being suspended on two wheels. Be open and coachable and you will discover that a bigger, larger you exist deep within, and that the daily actions you take now as long lasting impact in the world we live in.
My Landmark breakthroughs can be view in this category: AVERRAL Landmark.
WIL is my childhood friend. We are sworn best friends forever or BFF. He wanted to make music while I wanted to write novels. When we were teenagers, he asked me if he should pursue singing, I asked, “Why not?” The seeds were planted in that moment.
I believe that the synergistic push and pull effect of encouraging and supporting each other had lead to us pursuing our dreams to go against the mold. When I felt like almost giving up on publishing my first book, WIL had been instrumental in pushing me on, “It is possible, you can do it!”
Flash forward after graduating from Monash University, he had released a few singles while I had published my first book, Red Hourglass. His music is available at wilentertain.com
What are we waiting for? We are not waiting for anything, it all happens in the now. We decide what we want to do today, for the impact we want others to experience. His latest song inspires me to create more and not stop! To be unstoppable! I really love the remix by Sean Finn and it’s a great song to unwind.
Whilst I am running a high fever, a long wait at the doctor led me to a visit to an electronics store. In my minds eye, I pieced the equipment I would like to purchase and what I have existing. I beautified my apartment by placing the equipment for my dream kitchen in my vision.
First, I would have a Samsung fridge with different compartments for different types of food storage with an ice twister. Then, a coffee maker where I can put two spoonfuls of coffee power to be filtered with hot water for a thick delicious roasted coffee. I would purchase a steamer for the size of two people with three different compartments for soups, steamed vegetables and yam. A toaster is essential, but more so is a oven grill to bake my daily salmon.
I imagined these things as I sighed. Not long ago, I lived in a dream apartment with a lover, with swimming pools and sky gyms but we parted ways. Living with him was like playing a daily match of poker, I never knew what he was thinking.
No matter what I did, he seemed not physically interested in me. There were no cuddles or holding hands, no deep conversations nor loving words. At night I would walk around the apartment grounds, wondering what part of me was an abomination. Day by day, I felt more and more like a monster instead of a woman. My confidence hit rock bottom and I left him.
Maybe the reason I started the scarlet queen channel was a result of feeling unwomanly and undesired. Now, fan mails flood my inbox daily but yet, why do I feel like I am still a monster ?
She sat on the circular table once, but now that seat remains empty. The circle now has a hole. It’s an incomplete circle but a curved line with no joined endings.
“It’s unauspicious to leave a gap on a circular table,” my grand uncle said, beckoning for her young son to seat in the empty chair although he can’t fit comfortably in an adult sized chair.
The sudden departure of her years ago, in this exact same moment, seemed like it was a second passed. Her son sulks in her seat, turning backwards to face the television.
It just isn’t the same, isn’t the same without her booming laughter. There was awkward silences and pauses in the conversation that was once filled with her loud voice.
Once upon a time, she flew the skies as a stewardess in a sarong kabaya. She met an Irishman and gave life to three beautiful Eurasian kids. The youngest, who looked uncanny like her but with dark brown eyes, now sat beside me on the circular table. He continued to watch the television.
I paid attention to every single detail, soaking the conversation in like it may be the last moment before someone goes to the next world. There are no warnings, no signs. The silent killer lurks deeply embedded in our DNA. There is no running or hiding, it strikes when no one is looking, in the pink of health, in the moment of joy.
When it was time to leave my grand uncle called from behind, “Where’s your lover? Bring him to me!”
I chirped like a nightingale and ran towards the sunset. Running and running through fortresses, castles and ancient ruins. Lost in my wanderlust of endless adventure. My dreams of conquering the world with my words, conjoined with my lover in a black cocoon covered by my long hair in our dance before we emerging as butterflies.
She once sang a song in the skies. One day I will meet her in the heaven and tell her about all the worlds I wrote. She would say to me in her resonant voice, “Well done, you had completed the full circle.”
This weekend, millions of Chinese families will be holding their reunion dinners. Similar to Christmas, instead of presents, red packets filled with money will be given by married to non married relatives. The amount of money in the red packets depend on the closeness of relations. Parents will be give the most amount, followed by cousins, distant cousins, nieces and nephews, friends etc. Another distinct difference is that Chinese New Year is celebrated with the extended family with grandparents (family head) as the center of the celebrations.
Each family would set their own amounts depending on their socioeconomic status, which can range from giving their parents amounts from US$100 – $10 000, and to distant relatives US$2 – $8 per red packet. From my observation, the Taiwanese exchange the biggest red packets which may exceed the above usual amounts. In addition, the more homes that are visited, the more red packets are exchanged.
During this exchange, the receivers would wish the elders blessings of the new year using Chinese idioms such as “May your years be filled with abundant fish!” or “May you live till an old ripe age and never grow old!”
The elders will respond by asking the receiver (when they reach adult height) when they are going to get married, do they have a boyfriend, and give relationship advice. For children, the elders would gladly give many red packets and shower them silly with snacks and sweets.
My grand aunt has been asking if I had a boyfriend since I turned eighteen every year during this exchange, and I told her I am too young to be in a relationship. She advised that the best time to find a boy is in university! After graduation, you will have no chance! As a freshly turned eighteen years old at that time I had so many individualistic interests such as learning bass guitar that men are like my playthings. My best friend even joked that I was toying with men so much like a cat, let alone get married.
I feel for my uncles and aunts who are well into their 30s or 40s and still single. Every year, they would sit by the corner as our relatives would ask these meddlesome questions. The amount of red packets we receive decreases over the years as we reach adulthood as we are expected to get married and give red packets instead.
Once a couple becomes married, they are to give red packets not only to their unmarried siblings and cousins, but also, their parents. Unlike western culture, whereby one becomes an adult once they get their driver’s license, in chinese culture, a person becomes an adult once he or she is married.
Sometimes the elders advice would become terrifying over the years as they would say, “What if you grow old and lonely without a partner or children to look after you?” or to newly weds, “Have babies soon or they will have deformities if you wait too long!” Although it sounds horrifying in nature, their advice do mean well and usually, we have to accept and respect their suggestions as such as we are not expected to argue or fight or defend our point of view. It is inauspicious to get angry or upset during the lunar new year as it might bring bad luck.
However, with western influences the red packet culture is changing as well. Hampers are commonly given by businesses to businesses as red packets are not allowed as giving cash gifts are seen as bribery or corruption. My uncle used to receive five hampers a year from his suppliers containing exotic items such as cans of abalone, scallops and bird nest.
When we were kids, my cousin and I would divide out the rest of the snacks in our uncle’s hampers such as chocolates, biscuits and sweets. The anticipation of opening a hamper is like opening a Christmas gift, except that the hamper is transparent. So we would “reserve” what we want by peeking through the hamper and pointing out what we wanted before it is opened.
This year, I decided to mix things up a little by getting a robotic vacuum cleaner for my grand parents, a tower fan for my parents, and key chains for my cousins. I am setting a new gift exchange culture in my family. I believe that preserving certain aspects of traditional culture is what we decide to retain and cultivate based on what we feel is meaningful to us. In this case, I feel it is more meaningful to get functional objects that remind my relatives that I am thinking of them through things they use daily.
When I was in college on the humanities track that involved in-depth studies into history, literature, geography and economics, my teachers used to photocopy my essays and pass them around. My history teacher would exchange my essays with my literature teacher, and so on. The teachers had an “internal trade” going on with my writings. They told me to write a book as my ideas were way ahead of my time and maybe, not what a 17 year old would normally write about.
I was the lead actress in our school’s Shakespeare play and had a spot in the highly competitive dance team. However, I took a fond liking of economics and leadership training so much that I dropped out of pursuing an arts education for a hardcore intensive business studies accelerated pathway that involved taking modules every summer.
In view of the change in educational pathway, I gave up a political and government career for an unconventional route that is rarely threaded on – running an IT business that involved automating processes, novel writing and a bdsm themed YouTube Channel.
Fast forward, this blog which I started in 2009 has over 600 articles in a span of 8 years. Instead of having my essays photocopied they are now public and available to view freely online. My intention from the onset is to share my insightful views from my perspective on what I feel about social issues.
I have no regrets taking a back seat in life and instead, using my works to push others forward. I had a recurring dream that I was the Dark Lady behind a masked man sitting in front of a boardroom table. If Carla Bruni wanted “a man with nuclear power”, I want a man with the ability to change the world.
Now, I finally felt unleashed to my fullest potential as my definition and choices in life have materialized to fruition. I will continue to produce quality works till my death, with I hope in turn, will benefit the future generations.
