I fear for the condition of my mind as I tap into the past for the energies to make my writings come alive. Maybe having an almost perfect memory for words, situations and interactions is not a good thing. The mind remembers what it wants to remembers, by distorting what happened to become acceptable to what has happened. This distortion occurs to protect the ego.
Having an almost crystal clear 3D rendering of maps, puzzles and games is great for strategy but weak in linear thinking. Doing something repeatively makes me sad. My life, is like a loop and every time I try to walk out I am back to the same beginning.
My sadness is deepening like a huge gulf that seperates my reality from my dreams. I want to break free but when I do, the pervasive sadness seeps into my bones, crippling my movements, destroying my dreams.
My kingdom has fallen. It has. My mission has failed. The clearing now is to move on from a blank state. I believe I can recreate and reconstruct my reality. It can work when people see, understand and partake in the same clause.
As of now I will wait for the sadness to subside to create a happier tomorrow.
You never looked back, you kept moving forward and forward like a drifting shadow till you disappeared into the edge of the ocean pier like a small shadow as your image disappeared from my vision.
In my daze, I went to the nearest lighted building – a hotel.
I rang the bell repeatedly. The reception was lighted but empty. No soul was around. I looked left and right, I looked around. But you were no where to be found.
For the days that remained at the island of Corfu, I would drink by the pier at night, wondering if I lost you forever as you ran into the night, away from me, away from your nightmares, away from your family, away from the world. I wondered if you disappeared into the ocean, I wondered if you are free now. I wondered these things as I chanted prayers after prayers under my breath while looking out at the vastness of the skies meeting the waves.
“Ring.” A call. From who? I did not know. A savior for my soul?
In embrassment, I answered shyly,
“Hello.”
As soon the melachohy started, it ended right there with the call from heaven. But now, the bridge between heaven and earth no longer exist. It has been broken by the lost of faith. The lost of us, forever.
Again, I am screaming your name.
But now I am even weaker. I had lost my voice. Only words remain as the visions of us turned from an ideal of brilliance to a blank state of nothingness.
I used to be rather elitist when I was younger. This is something I dislike to admit, but I have to admit it so. I would attribute a huge part of this flaw to being in a school that promotes that line of thought. That being part of an elite school is somewhat of a genetic entitlement and all other schools are “below” us. When I went to a non elite high school, I carried that thought with me that I was born superior to others.
What evidenced this further was that in the non elite school, their command of the English language was far below my proficiency. I would correct people’s factual information mid way when they are talking. I would correct their sentence structure. I would do all sorts of elitist things like competing and being top in games. I would exert authority based on this false sense of self entitlement.
Being in a society that promotes this elitism and social class divisions based on what car or house one stays in further corroded my mindset. Although meritocratic in structure, the society I live in is ruled similarly to Sparta. There were policies that are geared to graduates marrying each other to pass their genetics to the next generation. It is as warped as a utopia ruled like a Disneyland with divisions on which areas could be accessed based on what affiliations or memberships one held. The enclosed culture soon self destructed inwards as globalisation occurred at a speed faster than any authoritative body could predict.
I am glad to say now, the island I live in is no longer as elitist and enclosed as it used to be in the past. My educational years in Australia showed me that class divisions are a societal construct and it did not exist. No one is born superior or better than others. We are all humans, and all humans deserve a basic right to freedom. The construct of elitism is meant to control the population to keep them in a state of helplessness that they are not “entitled” to a voice.
As I broke out of this elitist thoughts, I lost my first love. He firmly believed that the Chinese race was genetically superior to all other races, and males are superior to females. When I lost him, I lost that part of me that used to be part of the construct. I let go of all attachments to whom I believed myself to be, based on what everyone else told me who I was.
I removed the layers of conditioning that wrapped me in a state of self handicap. In this unbinding process, I let go of several key things:
1. The need to look good.
I no longer wear make up, or my high heels or branded goods unless there is a formal occasion. But this doesn’t mean I don’t have to keep fit, I still go to the gym for health reasons.
2. I let go of the need to blend in.
I removed the chatter and gossip of friends who continuously compared who has what and who knows who. Who gives a dam if he owns a big house or big car!? That doesn’t make him a better or worse person. I would rather talk about what we can do about our life work today, that will aid the future generations towards a better tomorrow.
3. I let go of expectations
I no longer expect anything. If it happens it happens. I had reached a transient, zen state relationship to the world around me. I learnt to be patient, kind and understanding. I used to determine and control the outcome of everything by my own efforts in my egomania of relishing in control over everything. Now, I try to let it be. Although that darker side of my competitive streak comes out, I let it be and I don’t suffocate and kill off my opponents like I used to. I would overwhelm them and let them live instead, so we can fight another day.
4. I accepted my duality
I accept my duality as one complete me. My light and dark natures allow me to function at a high speed and level that even surprises myself. This internal self mastery is a relatively new revelation to myself, as I let these two states control my life as I watched like an observer. Actually, I was afraid that I was both of them.
5. I let go of self loathing
I used to be quite disgusted at myself for having such a flawless score. Why can’t anyone be better? As a child, I would put in one coin in the arcade game machine and I could play for half an hour to an hour before I would finally lose. Especially Puzzle Bobble. Everyone else have to wait for me to fail the game for their turn. But I would play on forever, even with just one coin. Even if they challenged me, they would lose, even if they used more then ten coins. You could imagine what a terror I was in front of boys. They would run away from me and refuse to play with me after having been defeated so many times by a “girl”.
When I played against others in my neighbourhood on games like Pokemon and Digimon, I formulated my strategies in an unconventional way. (who would train a Clefairy!? What element is that creature!?) I would beat the system of most games I played. I competed Pokemon Silver within three days although I could not read Japanese.
I would sign off my name as AVER on every arcade game machine at the end of the day, so everyone knew who I was. How disillusioned I was. In reality I was seeking for validation, for someone to come up to me and tell me, “you are great.” That never happened, so I spiraled in a loop of self loathing of trying to be better and better and never being enough. Instead of waiting for that external self validation, I let go of the need to prove myself.
…
As the construct fell in my unbinding process, I realised that true freedom lies on the other side. I have nothing to prove, for I am nothing. The only area in life that needs to be addressed is happiness. I will talk about this in another post.
In my view, the wars of this world are not won by men, but by women. Throughout history, it’s the women behind men that determined the outcome of wars. Without Josephine, Napoleon wouldn’t have conquered the whole of Europe. If he did not divorce Josephine, he would have maintained his empire and prevented the rise of America.
I would gladly take credit for being the women behind several prominent men. I believe without my valuable input, they wouldn’t be where they are today. I believe in the ripple effect of my actions, and that for each word I type, or each dance I do, there is a magnitude of immeasurable after-shocks like an earthquake. However, as my intentions are noble, I believe the aftershocks felt will resonate towards a better tomorrow.
I believe that my words will stand the test of time. All else will disappear. I believe in the pursuit of truth, love and beauty. Since the French Revolution, our world is currently at its current construct of being democratic. The freedom of speech and self-expression is a relatively new novelty. I believe that since the creation of democracy, millions have been liberated from the chains of suppression.
There are nations today that are under dictatorships, but I believe the waves of democracy will liberate them towards the freedom of self-expression. We need more investigative journalists, more writers, more self-expressed people to step up and create the possibilities of change. The recent release of Aung San Suu Kyi in Myanmar is a sign of changing times. That there is no way a nation can remain isolated in the global laissez-faire economy. International pressure will force governments to release dissidents. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights is the movement towards this fundamental choice as being born human.
My soul is awoken by your presence. For this, I will continue my fight openly towards a fully actualized democracy in the place I reside starting from the creation of an alternative BDSM movement. I believe that the suppression of sexuality is the fundamental driver towards acts of self-mutilation and suicide. Without an outlet, individuals are misguided towards self-harm and self-hatred. With this awareness, the actions I will do so today is to make it more visible to the public on where to go and meet individuals like themselves to create support groups that in turn, unlock one’s personal development and potential towards being self-actualised.
This is my way of immortalising my love for you and for others out there who will benefit from our conjoined cause towards their liberation of their sexuality for the benefit of the human consciousness. The movie, Cloud Atlas, suddenly made so much sense to me. History has repeated itself; slavery was abolished, gay marriage is now legal in America; the next frontier is for the BDSM movement to take momentum towards the liberation of this alternative lifestyle to be openly accepted. My YouTube channel is a major breakthrough in opening up this lifestyle to be accepted mainstream, and I will continue my work to do so in this course of action towards creating the awareness and support groups needed for the kink lifestyle to be safe, sane and consensual.
I have created the ripple by writing about this openly, for the aftershocks to take effect, I will be publically speaking about this topic, and gather more like-minded people to make this community effort widespread and accepted. I will implement these ideas this year. Your love had shown me that it’s not just about us, but it’s about the community around us. There are millions of us out there whose voices are still unheard. It’s my cause now, to make us visible and heard.
This is my utmost sincere declaration of love for you.
When I look at two girls kiss, or two men kissing, I am filled with wonder. I am inspired by their love. I want to see them happy. I really want to see their love blossom in this world and be accepted openly. When I see the girl on the tracks, wanting to commit suicide, I want to run over and tell her it’s okay. She is beautiful now. I want these positive messages to spread in the world, to be beautiful now. To dance, create and imagine the possibilities and see wonder of the world as it is.
I am down with flu, and feeling really sick. The last time I fell seriously ill was sometime last year, which lasted for two weeks. I think this may be another episode. I am sleeping/reading/writing and doing low key activities. I think I may not be able to film, and unfortunately, this time I don’t have any back up episodes. I will have to think of alternatives, like compiling videos via editing, as long I don’t have a headache, it should be okay.
I did a conference call on Sunday with my Landmark group, although I was coughing at the background, I was trying my best to participate. What I dislike about falling sick is that I can’t do anything that requires more than 20% of my mental effort. I miss going to the office. I miss writing my novel. I miss filming. I miss the office cleaner. I miss writing emails. I miss so many things although it’s only a few days.
Tomorrow, I have to try to get out of the house for my appointments. I just hope not to infect others.
I feel particularly inspired by “Hatsune Miku”, the latest vocaloid who is currently the most famous singer in Japan, her songs being blared at train stations and departmental stores – except that she is a software and not a human. She reminds me about my younger self when I used to win dance competitions at the age of fourteen. But since I gave up the usage of my chinese name, all traces of my past fame has been removed from who I am today.
Which… slowly, I am learning that changing my name did not mean losing my innocence, but more so towards the evolution towards my true self.
After losing my first love, I gave up the usage of my Chinese name for an English name.
For I wanted to remember the sound of my name through his voice.
Even if it just remains a distant memory, I gave those years of my life to him.
Ever since changing my name, I had lived for my own.
Watching this movie with my family has a special significance on my interpretation of the story. The premise of the movie is about valuing ones family and community over all egoistical interests. Even with fame, wealth and prestige, it does not gain any respect from others.
Ip man is portrayed as being a humble master who refuses to be acknowledged as the number one martial arts master in Hong Kong. He offers the center seat to an elderly master from another martial arts school but the elderly master declines the seat out of respect for Ip man.
Ip man does not use his martial arts abilities for his own personal glory but more so in helping the community around him by offering to guard a school which was being targeted by thugs who wanted the principal to sell the school which was located on prime land. The principal refuses their offer and is beaten up. The thugs proceed to kidnap the kids from the school to force the principal to sell the land.
Ip man comes to the rescue as his own son was amongst those kids who were kidnapped. At his son’s hostage point, Ip man is mocked at by the thug boss to kneel and bow before him, which Ip man humbly does so.
This movie teaches about how to make a stand for the society, and not cave in to external pressures no matter the impossibility. The conflict is that the prime land the school is on is so valuable that the head police chief has been bribed to close an eye on keeping out the thugs.
Despite the external pressures and entering combat alone, Ip man faces a few hundred thugs in a one man show down. To know the outcome, you have to watch this movie that also features Mike Tyson.
Highly recommended for an inside view into Chinese culture and confucianism / buddhism / martial arts philosophy.
Upon entering the office building, I am to tap my electronic card on the detector, which assigns the lift to my floor. I am unable to access any floor of the building except the floor my card is allocated to. I never have to touch a lift button or any human or object. Somehow I miss the human touch. I miss pressing the lift button, and sometimes, forgetting which floor I am on.
I have some left over habits from Japan. Since returning to office, I would always go into the convenience store to look for a snack or drink. I miss vending machines in Japan that disposed hot milk tea for 130 yen. I found that the convenience store near my office has so much Japanese type snacks. But due to my dietary habit not to consume sugar, I am unable to buy most of the snacks except the salty ones. I had a sandwich yesterday. Today, I decided on a pancake. I am on my second cup of milk tea. The first cup was coffee. They both have no sugar.
I am tired now after having worked for two hours. Wrote the prologue a little. Fixed some stuff. Replied some emails. Researched some videos. Got into the Mimi mind. I need to build up my stamina to work for four hours on two shifts, at the total of eight hours which is my aim. Which, is hard to achieve for creators because if lets say, I am doing repetitive tasks working eight hours without using much brain power is okay. But creating new content requires much more mental effort and my “creation” capacity is still between 2 – 4 hours a day. I may consider using my Saturday and Sunday mornings on two, two hour bursts to speed up my content creation.
I never understood why Tite Kubo, the creator of the manga series Bleach, would tweet about what he ate everyday instead of tweeting about his grand master plans to dominate the world with his comics. I finally understand now that artists have to get into a habit of creation. Somehow this blog is now serving as my “grounding” place where I can write about my thoughts before I start working on a mega project. Which I hardly want to talk about because I am already working so much on it.
I gave the office cleaning lady a cute flower pouch I got from Japan as a gift. She was elated. I somehow guessed she liked pouches and she confirmed my suspicions that she loved it so much and she needs pouches all the time to keep her belongings or “they will get lost”.
I am becoming a collector of pouches myself, and having being addicted to buying them most of the time other than key chains. I think on this Japan trip alone I bought over ten pouches and more than ten key chains from different shops to be given away. I just find them too cute and too unique that I can’t help but buy so many. Some of the unique key chains I got is a life size plastic model of tuna, peaches and a tied up girl in kimono.
I still haven’t been able to consume all the magazines and books I bought from Japan, which will take months. I have so much little presents to give away 😀 Maybe I should organise a friend’s gathering or just give them all away during this Chinese New Year.
Another unique trivia I learnt is that in Japan, they do not use the Lunar calendar to celebrate New Year. They follow the western calendar so their Golden Week (Japan version of Christmas) is over New Year. However, the Chinese still use the ancient thousand year old Lunar calendar to celebrate Chinese New Year. Which is a month away. Only babies born after Chinese New Year carry the astrological sign of the year. Which in this case, it is the Year of the Monkey! 😀
I can’t wait for Chinese New Year to be a a big Madame Santa!!!
