by | | The Scarlet Queen, Transformation
I realised that the more powerful a concept or idea, the more resistance is against it. In fact, the most powerful ideas have the most powerful resistance. However, once we overcome the resistance, true freedom lies on the other side.
Every creator faces the resistance everyday. For me, my resistance is not to get out of bed and fall into a dreamless sleep and not wake up. Honestly, it takes me so much effort to get out of bed because my dreams are more beautiful than reality.
When I am confronted with the society and construct I live in, I fall into a deep depressive state. In true honesty, I hate my life. I hate myself as a chinese female. I hate everything I had accomplished and I had done. I hate myself in the mirror. I only live to make life better. I want to translate what I see in my dreams into the reality of the construct I live in.
In my dreams, humans of all races are wearing fetish gear and frolicking under the sun by rainbow rivers. There are angels and fairies. Animals live along side with humans. Humans had evolved to have no more dependence on monetary or materialistic needs. They only live to create art and partake in the quiet and simple pleasures of life by spending time with one another. This is my ideal of the world and this is what I want to create.
Hence the greatest resistance to myself is not to do anything or change the environment. This is the greatest evil, the Dark Force, whatever it is called. I have chosen to no longer give the resistance control over my life. The construct we live in is created by the power of language, and words are the medium. If we can create new ideas through words, we can potentially change the way we live. There can be an end to wars and suffering.
As such I had chosen to create my ideal version of the world into my current reality by taking steps to make it possible. Starting my Youtube channel was one of my moves, writing my novels was the next, writing this blog is also an act of propagating my visions. Everyone is entitled to their own visions. Other creators would like to create a MacDonalds or Starbucks. For me, I would like to create the Scarlet Queen to exist in this world. That’s my ultimate dream, and my ultimate reality that I want to conjoin as one.
This is freedom.
by | | Her, Transformation
My breakthroughs for Landmark Forum December 2015
- Life is an illusion and everything we do is meaningless.
- We have to live in the present in an empty state
- The past and future does not exist in our current reality
- We should be choosing consciously to create our “now”
- All labels, superstitions, social construct and stories are self imposed limitations
My new actions
Life
- To continue doing what I do each day and design new possibilities by opening up and collaborating openly and networking with more writers, editors, publishers to get my name out in the open instead of being afraid of having to deal with people
- To choose to adopt instead of having my own children as my choice.
- To take full responsibility of my actions instead of avoiding problems
- To publish my authentic and honest poetry and short stories that I wrote and take responsibility for the outcome of their controversial content
- To enter into new partnerships to reinvent and recreate the future that I believe in for the benefit of humanity
- To participate, read and write actively about orphans and channel the Hourglass Series loyalties towards foundations for orphans as part of my life work
- To write a new series called The Switch about how switching as top and bottom in dual roles in relationships can empower couples to accept their dual nature and achieve open and honest partnerships that deal with past regressions actively instead of the imbalanced relationships we now have in our modern world where there is no gender equality although we think there is. To channel the loyalties of The Switch to enable others to accept their uniqueness.
- To record audio content on empowering “minions” to accept their nature and integrate their nature into society in full acceptance of their identity without fears. Patreon contributions will be channeled to the Scarlet Queen Youtube to enable more viewers to get onto the series to participate in this active conversation on what it means to be a “minion” or “knight”.
- To empower others around me by continuing to inspire them by the actions I take to impact the world one step at a time
- To spend quality time with my friends and family and stay in the present instead of looking to the future but just being present and focusing on the conversation “now” and “here” instead of being distracted by my thoughts.
- To leave the world with “nothing” and fully actualized by re-contributing all my efforts back to humanity.
Business
- To continue building sustainable businesses and consulting work to companies who want to cut down on resources and increase productivity by going on the cloud (Google Apps, CRM, eCommerce and Online Marketing) and eliminating transport and paperwork. I want companies to realise the possibility of going virtual without overheads and working from home and cafes to save on electricity and resources. To empower women to work from home to spend more quality time with their family and friends instead of commuting back and forth to work with not much productivity done in the office due to inefficient processes. I will continue to offer my business consulting services to companies who want to achieve these outcomes to modernise and get on the cloud.
- To develop my publishing business by writing more books in a series to increase the valuation of the company and the impact of written works through an organised structure by delivering my products on time to the market regularly. I will have to consistently write two books a year and if it means I am unable to take up a consulting project, I still have to stick to this deadline before committing to any other projects as the writing books takes first priority in my productive working hours. However, if my books do not generate income, I will do the minimum amount of consultancy projects to cover my daily expenses and lower my expenses in a way I can sustain my standard of living without having to take a day job to continue my life work.
My feelings
I feel more empowered to do the things I had set out to do but with a lasting impact on the society instead of my egoistical reasons. I would like the impact of my daily work to be felt by humanity in a positive way and leave the world with my creations of art and beauty through the medium of audio clips, youtube videos and books that enable others to fully express their inner natures without fears. I would like to use my limited lifespan on earth to live actively instead of waiting for something to happen. I will take steps daily and stay in the present and enjoy the process of my actions while I accomplish my goals. Even writing this blog is egoistic. I know what I write on this blog will be immortalised forever on cyberspace in internet archives and this is the intention to do so, to make my ideas and thoughts available to everyone even after my death.
This is my actualised state as I spent long tranquil hours in the library and bookstores when I was a child and I knew I would be a writer. I feel at peace with myself when I read or write. I have nothing to prove but to contribute my knowledge to the world. I love reading and I love writing about my thoughts and how I interact with this reality. I want my creations to be part of the human consciousness, and for others to interact with my creations that leaves them empowered and motivated to make a sociopolitical difference by the small decisions they take. I want to live an authentic life and write fiction that is as close to reality.
I feel empowered to make a difference in the lives of others. I had been doing so but I lost my drive by choosing to be in partnerships with people whose values were not aligned with mine. I have to choose to enter into new partnerships that aligns with my values in order to create a more powerful contribution to the society. I want to be more clear in my definitions over time to accomplish my mission in life. I will be rethinking about these things over the Christmas and New Year period to set new resolutions for 2016. I no longer want to live in my shadow life and to live the life that is truly who I am with the full acceptance of what I am. I hope by accomplishing what I set out to do, others will feel the impact of my creations to live a more fully expressive life without fear.
by | | FlashFiction, Her
Another day in this highly densely populated vertical city. My life revolves around shopping malls alternating with my co working office and gym. A triangle lifestyle of going to three different points on weekdays. If this is the urbanised mode of living, going from one building to the next, then I am living indoors almost the whole day. Probably as compared to trekking a hill or climbing up some cliffs, the death rate is low except for car accidents. But why do I feel so discomforted in such a safe haven?
I have a compelling urge to travel and explore the unknown territories. To drive down the roads leading up hills and right to the edge of the ocean cliffs. I want to feel uncomfortable. I want to feel challenged by my environment. But there is no mountain to climb nor ocean to see here. It’s just buildings after buildings. Food is served fast in convenience chains and franchises.
I miss my old life in Melbourne where food is served slowly, and there are endless of parks and nature to explore down trails and paths that lead to no where. I miss visiting the large pond in the university campus. It takes about half an hour to walk there but it’s worth the walk down the windy path to feed the ducks before sunset. I would meet a friend there, and she would pack extra home cooked food to share. I miss that slowness of and enjoyment of life.
Now, time is measured as money, and people are scrambling and rushing everywhere in this city. By 6pm, the lights go out and the office closes to save on electricity. The soap is automatically dispensed so that germ contamination is minimal. The public areas is cleaned multiple times a day by a throng of cleaners. It’s an OCD paradise. You probably never have to touch another human in this sterile and cold environment. The clinical aspect of this city makes me miss the warm and friendly nature of Melbournians.
I never see happy faces or smiles. Only fake polite smiles from service staff. It’s cold and distant. It’s part of city life. I don’t really like it. I feel quite foreign here. There is no realness or aliveness to anything. It’s close to being robotic. The motions are constant, the schedules do not change. It’s the same process everyday. Everything is delivered on time, precisely without any errors. It’s voted one of the best cities in the world, one of the most expensive even. But there are no humans here, only robots.
I feel a need to go into the jungle and get lost in the unknown. That is probably a more natural state of being human, is to go on a constant adventure and not know what you are in for. Not sterile robotic utopia. I believe in the organic development of creativity, not government imposed rules and regulations to meet requirements to be “innovative”. That, stifles creations. Creativity should grow naturally like plants in a forest, and not in an artificial greenhouse with added fertilizer. Being in a greenhouse kills the plants state to evolve. In the wild however, they can mutate, they can cross propagate, they can become hybrids.
I feel I am an exception to the norm of this city, I am a wild plant in this greenhouse. But it’s stifling and I feel breathless at times. It is true that it is as safe as a haven it can get with such sterile standards, but the lack of the unknown makes me dull and dream about my next road trip although I had barely landed. I don’t seem to take root in this city. I am like a drifter in the clouds, in the cloud virtual space, floating, floating. I can’t seem to settle or germinate. It’s an endless state of being lost in transition.
by | | Features, On-Writing
First, I have to admit that I love control. I could spend an entire day planning and scheduling. It fits my occupation as a novelist. For a moment, we can suspend time and in the novel’s universe we are GOD! YES! That’s right, writing gives the ULTIMATE sense of control as I can kill off any characters and make them liked or disliked. I can control the scenes. Practically all the characters become my puppets and I am the puppet master muahahaha! I realised that I needed a new project management software for the purposes of writing a few novel projects and delivering them on time (like a business). I have to track my income and expenditure and ensure I am on track with my delivery. I decided to test out a new cutting edge space age design software at thrivesolo.com .
Honestly, these new software tools makes our jobs much easier. For example, Scrivener changed my writing life by allowing me to outline my book without having to write anything on paper. I had been much more productive after using Scrivener as compared to a normal words document. The reason is, software enables creators to think in a big picture and retrieve files and research and scenes more efficiency. I would even attribute Scrivener as a life saver to increasing my serious writing output. I wouldn’t have completed a 80 000 words novel without that software.
Hence the search for the ULTIMATE control started by looking for the ONE software that will enable me to concurrently manage my writing projects and deliver my final drafts on time.
Current Process
I currently manage my life using Google Calendar, Google Keep, Google Task, Google Documents and Spreadsheets. But it seems that everything is all over the place. I needed one central database that I can log in and know what I have to do for the day. I would also require a software that has a time tracker so I know how much time I am spending per project and if I am exceeding my allocated time. If I am exceeding time, that means I have to change my writing process (by changing locations, fixing my outline). Having a time management system in place allows me to study my progress and allocate the best times of the day for writing and nothing else. I currently use Google Spreadsheets to track my writing output and hours (eg: 2 hours from 2pm – 4pm, 2000 words). But I would like a software to generate information on that (how cool if there are graphs that will show compare my weekly writing output).
Novel Projects and Deadlines
What 
I like about the interface is that it shows the project deadline and if you have exceeded your allocated budget. I had currently allocated $20 000 to The Ocra. I had given myself an hourly rate of $10. So it means if I exceed writing the book for 2000 hours, I am over my “budget”. But I estimate I would spend about 1000 hours writing and the remaining budget would be to cover the cost of publishing (editors, cover design, marketing etc). Honestly, most novelists never make $20 000 to recover their initial time and investment in writing a full length book. It’s purely out of passion that most writers are writing what they write. I would like to recover my investment of time and effort in monetary terms, but I would not use it as a gauge of my success or impact.
Time Tracker on Thrive Solo
Anyway, thrivesolo is not THAT advanced, but the time tracking part is okay. The time tracker allows categorization of tasks. For my illustration, the main three activities of a novelist is: writing, outlining, research. I could see how much time I spent on each activity. But there is no weekly comparison chart time chart (yet). It seems I still have to use Google Spreadsheets for this function.
Milestones and Tasks on Thrive Solo
It’s quite inspiring to look at the interface design of this software in regards to setting milestones and tasks. Milestones are accomplished once all the tasks under it is completed. I feel kind of motivated when I look at this list. And the deadline. It fills me up with urgency! I love it! I used to put my milestones and tasks on Google Calendar and sometimes I will let it slip as there is no “deadline”. But this software now forces me to acknowledge I have to complete these deliverables by a specific date. This is probably the favourite part of the software that I like.
Thrive Solo Price and Conclusion
For $150 a year, it’s quite steep as there are many free options out there like Google Apps. I would recommend using this software if you simply have too many projects and too little time. For example, I have to focus on delivering content on my YouTube channel and novels and it is hard to keep track of both. Also, I would highly recommend this software to freelancers or those who are operating solo and would like to track their hours and invoice their customers. But an accountancy software like Quickbooks is still needed for tax filing as this is a project management software. I will probably use this software for a few months and see how it goes and I will update again if I am more productive using this and if I do deliver my novels on time!
by | | FlashFiction
The discordance of our music jars my thoughts. I am unable to focus
on my day, on my plans, on my dreams. So untypical for a overachiever to
watch the world go by, and do nothing. The discord starts from the first note
and rings like sirens screaming like emergency bells. The noise doesn’t stop as it
goes on and on and on. Even when you talk, the sirens are ringing behind your voice
like a false prophecy, untrue promises, unresolved pain.
The resonance starts when I fantasise about a dreamscape where everything goes according to
my plans. For such a control freak I am, no stone is left upturned.
There are devas, fairies, unicorns and rainbows. There are knights and thousands of minions
at my disposal for my every whim. There is nothing I couldn’t have, as the world is below my feet.
The difference between my two worlds is such a rift that they cannot be reconciled.
It’s a choice of two paths of endless pain or endless happiness.
They are on extremes and cannot meet in the middle.
For this, I had given up on life and I had chose to live in my fantasy.
It keeps me alive to know I can change my thoughts, and slowly, I will change the world around me.
Before that day, I will continue being in the other world.
by | | FlashFiction
I breathe your soft lips
My thoughts wander
Back to the moments
You replied to every message
You never failed to respond
No matter the situation
Now the inbox is full, it is full of messages but not yours which I need to hear. Those sweet words that rolled off your tongue like the soft lips I breathe to sleep each night as your words caress me like blanketed ropes on my skin.
The ropes bind my flesh but it’s not the ropes I feel but your moving hands, they caress every inch as they embed me deeply with your marks. The marks of love that run deep into my blood as the red rope bled into my skin as it grows tighter and tighter like a coiling red snake. How I wish these ropes are your hands as I blind my flesh in this act of self mutilation while screaming your name.
No one knows or sees this part of me. It’s so deep inside me that the ropes are starting to suffocate my neck. Usually before that happens, you will respond with a word or two. But this time, there is no response. You had left me there tied in those coiled ropes.
I can’t struggle free. I can only beg for you to come back. I start to call out your name, over and over. Please, master, let me go. I will be a good girl. Please.
Please respond.
Don’t leave me here.
I love you.
by | | FlashFiction
Writing a novel is like doing a full exercise of every section of my brain with no muscles being left unused. My brain juices are squeezed dry and it’s fueled by caffeine at the moment. I am trying out a formula which is to switch a cup of coffee, followed by a cup of tea to keep going and not stop. I am at the 3 hour mark now and I had stopped. I had written the full flap copy and I have to admit the race I ran today is pretty hardcore and I have to learn how to hold back more and not push too hard or I won’t be able to do my next run tomorrow.
The office that I co-work in could be classified as a class A office building. I look really under dressed here as I do not have a need to meet anyone in a business suit, I am usually in jeans and shoes – how untypical. I got a really weird stare by this smartly dressed middle aged white man in the lift yesterday. He must be wondering how this hacker girl got into the office building. I felt he was staring at me like I was the girl with a dragon tattoo with piercings and a funky mohawk. But no! I was just in my yoga gym clothes. Erm, or maybe that is why?
I had been digesting so much books and research that my Goodreads is unable to keep up with it as my ereader is not usually connected to the internet at all times and I also do read books on my desktop and iPhone as well. That makes about three devices that I am continuously hooked up to. Boy, I do need more human contact or I will become autistic at the rate I am going. Thank god I am meeting a friend soon. Working alone has it’s disadvantage. Or maybe we are all truly alone and all else are distractions to our loneliness in this metropolis.
I had been speaking to the cleaner lady who screamed “hallelujah!” along the office corridor while she pushed her cleaning supplies cart. I learnt of her name, and like the secret agent I am, I also discovered the multiple office plans I could undertake to increase and maximise my desk usage at the lowest hourly rate possible by speaking in local slang to the receptionists and digging out more information on how much others are paying for their desks. I am such a spy in disguise! I wonder why am I not in undercover work, or maybe I AM an agent indeed!
This is my update for the day. I have to turn off my central agent database system now. My new victim is looking at my direction. Back to work.
by | | FlashFiction
The long nights are those nights I descend into my nightmares.
It’s a recurring scene that turns on repeat like a song on a loop.
The same sounds and sensations fill up up the darkened room
I am transported into the depths of the murky brown waters
I am descending lower and lower, deeper and deeper
I cannot feel my hands or legs nor my breathing
It seems to cease in this fleeting moment of time
As I descend into the ocean depths, pulled downwards by gravity
I jolt awake and I almost fall off the bed, like a child who woke up from a nightmare
I had fallen off the bed many times, or hit my limbs on the edges
I see bruises on parts of my body I did not know how they got there.
My pillow is soaked with tears that I did not have awareness of even crying
It has became so natural, that tears and pillow are what I sleep to and wake up to
On the long nights like this, it is hard to fall asleep.
The nightmares jolt me up every few hours.
I start to count the clock. 2am. 3am. 4am. 6am. 9am.
Are my usual waking up moments throughout the night. I sleep past the alarm and wake up at noon time, and my mornings are over.
I hate that when it happens, as my work becomes backlogged.
I am unable to accomplish half of my tasks for the day.
I try to sleep early the next day starting at 10pm. 12am. 2am. I wake up repeatedly
This loop repeats itself like a song that never ends.
This song sings a sad tune behind a blue jazz beat in a foreign language that no one seems to understand. This song wakes me up and calms me back to sleep. This is my soul song, of an unrequited masochistic pain of love.
by | | Her
I find it really really strange that the co-working office that I chose resembles fictional Wilmar Entreprises completely. I have to exchange my ID for a security pass to enter the sliding glass gate. After that, I have to tap my card on the electronic reader to go to the office floor. I am greeted by the 180 degree view of the skyline. Little rats are stuck in their cubicles in small cramped spaces. Fortunately, I have a corner desk to my own and no one is around my radius as the place I chose to set my laptop on is an open concept working area partitioned by a wooden screen. I can check in and out anytime, and stop my co working plan at a month notice. There is no commitment and if I see fit, I could fly to an island next month to write in solitude.
I am looking at my earlier half completed writing projects. I was simply mind blown at the things I wrote when I was so confused about my identity. OH GOSH. It’s very promising. I just have to rework them a little here and there, and I can’t believe I was so sick in the head. I had toned down over time, but oh boy the content of what I wrote in the past is much more controversial than now. The pictures that I pasted into the writing templates are no different from what I still do look at today. There is lots of pictures with rope and women. The rest is your imagination…
After much contemplation, I had decided to rework my old short stories and poetry and publish them over the next few months in ebook formats. I want to immortalise them forever. But they are in need of serious editing as I wrote them when I was in my teenage years. The rawness of the words makes me feel so connected to what I had lost over the years as I tried to “fit” into society to feel “belonged”. But no one person is the same as the other, and humans conform to protect themselves. I have to accept and reintegrate my uniqueness as part of me again, to be a better artist for the world.
by | | On-Writing
My writing threshold is still at 2 hours mark per session. On the 2h 30min mark my brain is fried. I have drunk a full cup of latte and green tea. I am drinking an espresso now, but it isn’t helping yet. Outlining two novels is definitely mind consuming. I wish I could write more hours and feel energetic about it, but the drilling noises near where I stay is affecting my sleep and concentration. I have to sleep early, get out early, and exercise more consistently if I want to up my productivity.
I had changed my diet to high protein and lots of veggies. This is to keep my sugar level constant so I don’t crash. I hardly eat any white rice or noodles. I am almost sugar free. I learnt crucially yesterday that I have to stay away from pork or I may get stomach upset. I used to be able to eat anything, but after living in so many different countries, my stomach is much more sensitive.
I am breaking up 2 hours of writing time in two time slots. I will work later at night at home, when the drilling noises stop. Once I am finished with my outlines, I hope to write as fast as possible without making the same mistakes as I did with my first novel. I hope to dedicate solid four hours a day to my writing and nothing else.
Some of my crucial lessons from writing my first novel were:
- Do not take a two year break of writing, just write the first draft quickly and revise it within the same year.
- Outline all main and sub characters before starting to write, put out all their conflicts and roles in the story and their roles have to contribute to moving the storyline. Delete characters that serve no roles.
- The settings has to be solidified and they should even have their own logo and trademark if possible. People should be able to instantly relate to the setting once you mention the name. Like “Hogwarts”.
- Contemporary settings shortcut the world building process, but still the uniqueness of the setting has to be brought out by the writer from the character eyes. It has to be something others have no noticed despite years of living in that setting.
- Human motivations are universal and not dependent on ethnicity or geographic location, anyone should be able to relate to the main characters for this reason.
I have to stay dedicated and think of the long term impact of my writings instead of short term monetary or recognition gains. When I watch the news, I see people acting out of pride and anger. The paris attacks are upsetting, as well as the terrorist acts around the world. I can hardly watch the news for this reason, it only fills me with such deep sadness at the state of the human condition that I lose my focus and motivation.
I hope one day, the human consciousness will evolve out of these emotions and go towards courage, willingness and love. That is my dream, a very idealistic one but I believe the world is full of abundance and we are fighting over nothing, but our own egoistic needs. There is much more noble causes out there to fight for, and when we start to focus on the bigger picture, our own pride disappears and a new sense of selflessness replaces the emotion of wanting. I feel that submission is the highest level of love, for when we submit ourselves to the greater good, it only magnifies and returns with unlimited abundance.
Looking at the stars and galaxy, being interconnected on the cloud, reading these text on cyberspace, we have already advanced so far, but the pride of those in power wants to keep us in this eternal servitude and bondage. But there is no bondage, it’s an illusion of the mind. What changes everything is our mindset in how we approach life. That we are free, and we have the power to change the future, instead of letting predetermined events happen to us. If the French Revolution could occur at the hands of the people, why can’t we change the world to make it a better place? These are endless possibilities.
As long we continue to dream, and let go of our internal bondage, we can be free.
