Sometimes waking up completely hating myself, in this self sabotage mess. They say the artist and architect are one and the same. The addict and artist, they are paradoxes. I am addicted to my emotions, but sometimes they do not serve me. They go haywire and threaten to undo all that is done. It drives my thoughts wild with illogical faculties.
Maybe I am just pushing myself too hard.
Or the traveling is starting to cause my fatigue.
Maybe I am doing too much in a short span of time.
I can feel my aliveness and deadness at the same time, my push and pull. My swings. They consume and eat me. I am a fcked switch. Light or darkness, I don’t know. They are eating eating eating, working working working, fcking fcking fcking. They are driving me mad!
Hong Kong is increasingly making me moody except for the fact that Milk Tea exists. I hate Hong Kong. I gota admit it’s not the best place for an introvert. No space, stuffy rooms, locked windows. Screaming kids, blaring advertisements. Snacks, consume, Buy, advertisements, MORE. Spend it all.
Get me out of here. I need some oxygen, I need to feel inspiration. The creativity, the life. It is all missing. I am being suffocated by fifty stories high buildings on all directions. The skies are not lighted by stars but golden windows. Those golden windows, eating up the earth resources.
But time kills, and time erases… time… is the real enemy.
I predict that Google Plus will take over Facebook and Twitter in the next five years. The reasons are simple, Google has managed to integrate YouTube into Google +. They also have Google Apps for Entreprises. Most users have migrated over to gmail.
Facebook is getting too incestuous for my liking, too personal. The updates that appear on the front page are always the same old people that I like and follow the most. But the content is hardly new, and quickly gets dull. There is only so much pictures of food you can see your friend selfie with before you want click the “unfollow” button, worse off… UNFRIEND!
The great thing about Google + is that it allows you to maintain that distance and yet associate with others at the same time. The initial launch of Google + was a failure. But over time, from user feedback and improvements, I can see the changes taking place.
Now, I receive notifications on comments on my YouTube channel, and furthermore I receive notifications on comments I make on other people’s channel. This effectively replaces forums. The good old days of static forum boards are going to be long over. The social interaction of YouTube and Google + is pretty darn powerful I must say. Google is keen on taking over the human minds through it’s subtle uses of human feedback loop psychology.
YouTube auto announces to Google + and Facebook once a video is uploaded, effectively engaging fans in an instant. Such power. I wonder how enterprises will keep up with these technological changes, which being implemented faster than we can actually learn them.
For now, I am quite content to stay on Google suite of services. I also found Google Keep very useful for keeping multiple to do list on the go with my laptop and phone. The Google Inbox looks like an internal facebook on email right now. Google only keeps getting better.
You name is what is left on every part of my naked skin in red ink.
When I wake up, I see nothing but your name all over my arms and legs. I will be constantly reminded that I belong to no one but you.
It’s beautiful isn’t it. Your name, all over my flesh. Like a mask, it conceals my flesh in body art. The intricate cravings of the letters of your name on my flesh. In my ultimate submission towards you and only you.
In the mirror,
there is no me.
There is only you. The true Master.
The Master of my desires.
I screamed your name in my dreams. Please!
Take me, into your dark paradise.
Don’t turn back.
Just take me under your cape and let me serve
Under your soles
Tear my soul apart with your unrealistic demands
Take me as your captive
Mutilate me with your name
I am yours Master. I am yours Master. I am yours Master. I am yours Master.
Over my useless body…
Please!
Tattoo my skin in red and tear my soul apart.
I am only yours in your cage of freedom.
Why do I feel alive when you chastise me with that mixture of hate and love? That pity and admiration. That twisted look in your eyes.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty’s not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart…
Muse – Undisclosed Desires
…….
My desires had been reconciled.
I had found my voice.
I had found my soul.
And all I have to do now.
Is WRITE!
Of course no one can take these away from me, my thoughts are my own. I can write whatever I want, and get away with it. It shouldn’t please anyone, nor it is for anybody, except for myself. I write for myself. My own sanity. I write because I am born to do it, like how a baby learns to crawl on their own. It’s a natural instinct.
The moment I have to write for others, is the moment I am killing my own desire to write for my own, innate desire to create, and explore, the themes in life that interests me.
Like how I film my videos, I do them because I like doing them. I don’t want to do certain things unless I feel in the mood to do it. I determine what I want.
The viewers can only watch.
The viewers can only read.
This is what being an artist entrepreneur is about.
I create.
You consume.
Yup, these two roles are very well defined. I had chosen to create, and to consume for the sake to create more. I no longer find pleasure in consuming. I only find pleasure in my own creations, my own worlds… in my own fantasy.
I am becoming one with my vision in the pursuit of love and freedom.
I can feel it close, but sometimes, it burns me like the sun, when I get too close. And I fall.
Falling is part of creation.
Failure is just another reason to try harder.
