Modern psychological classifications (depression, ocd etc) are a way to limit higher potential and intelligence. It is a billion dollar industry in attempt to kill off the outliers (highly intelligent people). Our fears and anxieties are borne out of instincts, that society tries to curb. When channeled correctly, these “mad” people are the ones who create and design the future. There is no mental disease, there is only societal disease. The next time someone calls you crazy, say thank you, because it is a gift to be labelled as crazy. You are just ahead of the curve, like the Joker in Batman.
Anti Fragile (2012) had taught me that the more we expose ourselves to fears, and if we are able to overcome it (repeat trauma, repeat danger) the more resilient our mind adapts to the fears. As a result of which, our threshold for fear/pain goes up, in line with our capacity to handle our emotional control. As long we don’t die in the process of repeated exposure, our minds become more resilient. It is nature intended responses. This is evolution. This is human ingenuity. The moment one decides to take chemicals and pills, is the effect of numbing the system to adapt and respond to external stimuli. The next time you want to take a pill, try talking to a friend or counsellor, try revisiting the events and places that caused the fear. Use all the pain/suffering into channeling it into something great, like further studies, career etc… sometimes the intensity of our deepest fears is the key to the foundation of our happiness.
Our minds work by conditioning, and experience. Our primal responses is to fight or run from danger. In the modern world, there is no such threats. Your computer is not going to eat you up. There is no need to run away from cats. As a result of which, we have this excessive energy in our biological system
When you run away from whatever the apparent danger is, the Amygdala stands down and goes back to quietly watching. If you ran away from a mugger, that’s a good thing. But if you ran away from a grocery store, or a dog on a leash, that’s a bad thing. Now your Amygdala will be conditioned to see the grocery store or the dog as dangerous, and will make you afraid next time you see one
http://www.anxietycoach.com/exposuretherapy.html
In our modern day world, where threats are not present, our flight/fight response is detrimental to our everyday lives. What is there to run from when we already have conquered the animal kingdom and destroyed nature to fit into our human need for conquest and ego? We have dug deep into the earth for minerals and oil, conquered the heavens with planes and satellites. There is no limit to human greed.
At this stage of evolution, we have to learn contentment and relaxation. How to live in peace. How to enjoy the little things in life, and stop trying to conquer. Stop trying to achieve perfection. We are already at the peak. At no other point of human history, we are so interconnected. Just a flight to the end of the world, internet to connect us across borders. No need for letters or ships. The world is flat, and the limit of the curve has been achieved. Any more progress from this point is just going to kill us. Unless, we help the bottom of the curve, then the curve can progress to the next level. There is no point going higher, when the bottom is just so miserable.
In every major city I had visited (considering I have visited Shanghai – Taipei – Toronto – Bangkok – Kuala Lumpur – Los Angeles – Las Vegas – Melbourne and Singapore) in the course of two years, I noticed a similarity throughout cultures and people – the soullessness. The deadness. The capitalism. The hunger, the feeling of being eaten alive by the economy. The fear of being left behind in this global economy. The luxuries, the poor. The strong, and the weak. These are at extreme ends of each other.
The emotional numbness. The currency for exchange (security for sex), the eyes of lost souls trying to reason, what is this change about? Why had technology made us so disconnected. Although connected with the world, we are disconnecting with the people immediate to us. This pheonomeon is what I had noticed over the past five years, since Google and Facebook came about. Everything is easily available on the internet, information flow is widespread. The truth is slowly being revealed on wikileaks, all the lies we had been fed from state controlled media. As we are fed more of the truth, we only discover more lies. That is when, we don’t know what to believe in anymore. After all these while, all that we had been taught to believe in schools and society, we are starting to realize that we all have been deceived by capitalism.
Since the truth is no longer, the truth we believe it to be. One of the ways to make sense of reality is to live in it according to our own moral code. The Victorians probably got it right, on how a gentleman and lady should behave. The ancient Chinese probably got it right, on dividing social classes based on imperial examinations and educating scholars on the four legs of art along with Confucianism. However, the world is converging. All these ideas are starting to link together. Like what Steve Jobs said, “put the dots together.” Whatever we preexisting know of the world – through history and media – is converging into a singularity. There is no difference actually, its one and the same. We just “think” there is a difference, when in actual fact, a rainbow gives the illusion of seven colors because it filters into our eyes as such, however, there is only one color – white. In this world of different perceptions, it is hard to see what you see, and hard for me to communicate in my writings what I see as well. Your interpretation might not be what I had intended for this article to be.
The strongest are those who are stripped of everything, thrown naked into the deep end of the pool and survived. For the best fishes are in uncharted waters. Those who are raised in a greenhouse, and never stepped out of their comfort zone, will never know their own personal limits. The only way to find out is to take risks.
In a world of cowardice and superficiality I am disappointed at the state of humanity and I will not let myself be affected by those who are weak. I seen through the lies and deception. The only real thing is those who speak and act with convictions. The rest, is an illusion.
I want to be that girl who sews your heart with a thread, and take you to places you had never been before.
I want to be that fantasy girl you desire, I want to please your every wishes and command.
I want to be perfection in your eyes, I want to be the best I can be each day with you
I am night and day, black and white, I am your maiden and whore, I am yin and yang in one
I can be that domineering Risque that inflicts you with the utmost pain
I can be that subdued Cheryl that listens to your every whisper.
I can be anything you want, as long… you say you love me too.
I found the masked man of my dreams in you. While you sleep on the bed at night, with your mask over your nose, breathing heavily to sleep as I rest on your arm looking at you.
I had seen you filtering in and out of my dreams like a phantom, like a ghost. Now that you are beside me I can see hope restored to my future again. You give me a new meaning of life, you are now the air that I breathe, the soul that I desire to possess, the man that I want to look after. You are everything that I want, truly madly deeply, I found my reflection in yours. I can feel your pain, and agony, I can see your future, your potential. I can… Feel you in me.
Your intensity is animalistic and primal, your instincts are raging mad, under the calmness you exude, you are burning deep within with your volcanic sea of emotions.
Your mind is blown away by your scorpion queen, you will only dream of her, and her only. She will continue to torment you day and night till you please her, worship her, and be the man she wants you to be.
As equally to yours, I am trapped in the mental cage you had put me in. You promise me a world of hope away from the suffering and pain. You keep secrets and you intrigue me daily with your conflicting actions and words. You don’t mean what you say you know that? You only mean what you do, the action that you take. The house key that you gave me. The hand that stretches out to hold onto mine, locking your eyes into my mind. You don’t want me to leave. You want me here, with you. You have been alone for too long, you slept countless of miserable nights in agony of love, you tried to run away from your emotions for too long, by obsessing over your work day and night. But you can’t run from me now, Vincent, because I see through you. I know what you are. You are…. my king.
Are you ready, my scorpion boy, my dark mysterious phantom of the night. Now that I have you under my spell, and I am trapped in the mystery of your mind, we are bounded together…. as one.
Imagine the futures we can create together, the realities we can dominate, the power we can have together. I will see you in the boardroom beside me.. One day, as lovers as partners as your wildest fantasy come true. I want to be perfect and imperfect in your eyes, I want to show you my weakness and my strengths, I want you… forever.
We beat the odds to have met each other, on New Year’s Eve. All this time I was looking for you, my mystery man behind the mask. I couldn’t see you in my dreams, only vividly. Only partially as you caress my body with your long fingers, stroking me tenderly like the keys on the piano, in black and white.
I flew over continents to see you, forsake my family and friends just to be beside you, ended my career to wait for you at home each day. Vincent, what have you done? Have you seduced and stolen my heart completely, that no logic exist in my crazy mad love for you?
The City of Toronto
I don’t know myself anymore, what is fiction and what is real but when I see you as a mirror of me, I can slowly reclaim my identity in finding you in me. For only you… are real. On the dance floor, conquering worlds in boardrooms, driving past wineries.. only we are real.
You had engulfed my mind body and soul into loving you in my dreams and everything that I do, I think of you. What have you done to seduce me completely? In my artistry to become art itself, you had ruined me into a hopeless romantic
Cheryl: I never stopped loving you for a day, in my life in my dreams, everywhere I see you… like a phantom. I can’t escape the clutches of your control, the spell that you had casted over my fairytale dreams. As I discard the memories of us and our deep chemistry, and forget the dances we had shared, I will see you in our next life.
In the chase of the wild dreams
You said, we can’t be together in this life
Only to meet in our next life.
—–
Sasha was apprehensive about tonight, well, it is the night. She picked up her ear rings from a jewellery box, looking at herself through the reflection of the mirror in her long velvet black dress, planting the metallic spiral rings into her ear holes.
She gave a grimace the moment the rings are inserted in.
It has been a long time since she wore ear rings.
She looks at the pair of heels at the doorway. It has been a long time since she wore those too.
She hoped she would manage fine.
She was looking forward to see Josephine,
a friend that she has not seen for a long time.
……
“Sasha”, Josephine exclaimed! “You are back!” She gave me a hug.
I looked at her deep set eyes dearly, and touched her cheek, removing the streaks of long black hair on her face. In a swift move, I pulled her chin towards me and planted a kiss on her lips. She returned my affections with equal care, touching my waist and going closer towards me. I bit her lip and breathed in her essence. She gave a little moan and inserted her tongue deeper into my throat, almost gagging me. I moved backwards, and she came full on, bending me backwards while choking me with her deep, thick tongue. I escaped her advances by moving sidewards and started breathing heavily, from the lack of oxygen, almost losing my footing on my high heels. She gave a smirk and folded her arms,a silent victory.
The bystanders cheered in excitement, urging us on to continue our passionate french kissing outside the club.
“We need to drink. Lets go in.” She pulled my arm like a doll, and went into the club. I looked around us, and realised that almost everyone outside was watching us. I felt embarrassed and pointed my head downwards as I followed her lead.
“These are my friends, let me introduce you to Judas, Severin and Alexander.”
“Nice to meet you all, my name is Sasha.” I greeted them obediently.
Severin stood up and greeted me immediately.
“Hi Sasha, nice to meet you. I’m Severin” He sized me up while grabbing my hand tightly.
At the moment I shook Severin’s hand, I felt the chemistry running through us, our hearts connected in the instant that our hands joined. This was a new feeling. I shook my head, “Grab a hold of yourself. I know it has been years since you got laid. Relax!” My alter ego speaks out. I pretended to smile, a cracked smile, and sat down on the leather high back chair. I noticed the interior of the club was a reminiscent of a gothic castle in medieval times, with black chandeliers and a dungeon caged feel. The guests, instead of wearing masks in a masquerade party, are wearing branded clothes and make up. Looking at my new friends with agendas on their faces, shivers went down my spine. I realised, that I am an innocent lamb for the killing.
———-
“Sasha… you are good.” Severin turned over the bedside and looked at my pale white body. The room was dark, with a tickle of moonlight filtering through the curtains, landing on his naked flesh, lighting up his skin from the shadows.
“You are good as well, Severin.” I kissed him once more, this time going on top of his muscular body, and sucking his mouth dry.
“Oooo… you just make me feel so good.” He turned me around and kissed my fingers.
“Do you believe, we are two star crossed lovers, only to meet in this life?” I looked up passionately at his eyes.
“No, I don’t.” He replied. “Maybe in our next life” He looked away and changed into his clothes. “We have agreed it is a one night affair.”
Maybe… I thought, it is Lust disguised as an Angel.
“Goodbye.” I packed my belongings and walked out of the hotel room.
“Sasha..” his voice trailed after me.
————
Why does my heart cry?
(Roxanne)
Feelings I can’t fight
You’re free to leave me, but just don’t deceive me
And please, believe me when I say I love you Moulin Rouge – Roxanne.
————-
Sasha Journal – Day 300
After that night, a curse was planted in my heart.
The curse of a love that will never return.
My days changed from light to darkness
There is nothing to look forward to, except him
Severin continued his wayward ways of sleeping around and driving drunkenly
While I, worked myself numb to a certain death, a certain meaningless
No one else held the same magical connection as we did on that night.
I tried sleeping randomly, dating randomly, cutting myself randomly.
Whatever it takes, to lift the curse from my heart.
I am killing myself, slowly inside…
Help.
—————–
“Josephine. I can’t take this anymore.” I hugged her tightly while she pat my back and comforted me like a little child.
“It is ok, love hurts. It is how love is. Sometimes it just does not come back.”
“I guess…”
—————–
Day 600
“Sasha… Severin is dead.” Josephine whispered over the phone.
“He died in a car crash. He had too much drinks, and he drove home.” She breathed in heavily. “His flesh is mangled with the metal.”
My heart sank. I dropped the phone on the floor.
I felt a part of my heart die that instant…
We have not met for years… yet… the feeling is constant.
——————–
Say you never, ever leave me
If you do, I will leave… with you.
I attended his funeral,
in a Victorian gothic black dress,
along with the crowd, in a sea of black and grey.
They lowered his coffin into the pit, along with my heart.
I took a tiny bottle of poison from my clutch bag, and drank it while watching his end.
Dancing till a certain death.
A dance of exhaustion
Till I physically give in the devil
And my mind to ceases to no longer think
For each song and rhythm
I do it all for you
For all the pain and sorrow
I feel it all for you
This painful unrequited love
Is dying and numbing
I dance my days away
waiting for you
In my dreams I see you
When I wake up
You are no longer there
Sometimes living is easier with eyes closed. Because my dreams are happier than reality. In my dreams we are together, and it is beautiful. When I wake up… you are no longer there.
But far away, where I can’t reach you
I tried to find you behind the looking glass where I can be with you once more
But I am in eternal hell
A hellish place where the scarlet queen lives
She conquers kings of kings
and denches fortresses with the blood of the fallen
She might decide to take you
if you don’t save me soon.
