I saw a femme fatale in my dreams
Her artistry that of a superstar
Her touch of a deadly widow spider
Her piercing eyes boring deep into my soul
Dissecting every part of my mind
For her own consumption
I saw the reflection of her eyes in mine
As she walked into the path
of an oncoming car
that ended her beauty
In a flaw of tragedy.
RIP Jeniviva.
Risque appears in this dubbed female remix of Numb by Linkin Park – by dubstepbabes
I can be all you want me to be
As long you love me for who I am
In my world of hopelessness, there is no longer pain
I feel numb
by medication
I feel numb
by coffee
I feel numb
by setting unrealistic targets
I feel numb that my poetry is dull and my dance is soulless
What can I hope for when all evidence points at hopelessness?
My version of love is poetic. It is unconditional, giving and kind.
In my unrealistic artistic world of self expression
I am trying to find a rare love that is hard to find
A love that I can freely give, but unable to receive
A love that you can ride on, but I cannot stop running
A love like a fast drive beside the oceans
In my love, there is only transcendence
It is a journey within, like no other
If you can’t take it this far
then… my love is not for you.
My love is hopeless, meaningless and crazy.
obsessive, possessive and recessive
My love can create something beautiful
or just plainly destroy.
My love is poetic, like a painting, like a dance
it is unexplainable, unquantified, illogical and downright sick
You might never understand.
I don’t think you will ever will
. . . .
Sometimes I think if I am hopeless or insane, but I prefer to believe I am a disillusioned artist verging on the lines of insanity, trying to create great works of art before the light of my candle is snuffed out by the forces of nature.
One day, I will see you in that boardroom… right there beside you…
As lovers, as equals as your wildest imagination… I do not know
I am trying to find you in midst the darkness… in the lines of hope I thread daily
Your shadow appears and disappears, filtering in and out of my dreams
You are haunting me endlessly with your addictive smell and sweet seduction
I want to kiss you, but you would only tease me endlessly with your touch
When I try to breathe you in… you walk away before walking back towards me
and pulling me towards you, before letting me go… as I collapse onto the floor
you knelt down beside me, gently whispering softly in my ear,
“If you want me… you can have it… if only you give me your freedom.”
You covered me in your cloak, as you kissed me wildly, bringing me to the top of the world
before you disappear once again.
If only. I could have my freedom and have you.
Risque preparing for the day…
Purrr fect… painted red lips and a smile from Risque
Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the scarlet of them all?
Full video of Risque painting her lips in crimson red.
My fantasy is to bring an unsuspecting lover to Hangzhou, book a room at The Four Seasons Hotel… I will dress in the most revealing cheong sum…. a one in scarlet red with a low cut revealing my thighs. We will make romantic love and poetry under the pavilion, bonsai trees and wooden bridges.
Risque lounging on the floor beside her bed, in front of a piano
Risque looking directly into the webcam, thinking of The Dark Knight perhaps
Risque twirling the ends of the black mask she owns.
Risque’s Erotic Voyeur Webcam Video…
I have recurring pain on both my wrists due to rheumatism. On the day I had to be Risque, I went for Chinese acupuncture.
The experience was terrifying.
The Sensei (chinese doctor) inserted needles into both my wrists and veins in my arms. The part when she inserted the needles into my veins were the most painful. I screamed in pain a few times, it was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. I almost teared. Nothing beats the pain of having needles stuck into veins. Using some techniques I learnt in NLP (neurolinguistic reprogramming) to deal with the pain, I imagined being on the shoulder of a White Knight while she stuck those needles into my arms. It was that moment, I finally understood the meaning of pleasure and pain. Haha. I thought I knew it all along, but having to deal with needles, electric currents and veins.. gave a new dimension of pain itself. The impact was cushioned when I imagined I was on the beach… hearing the sound of waves while lying on the shoulder of someone who genuinely cares for me, this is pleasure for me in its purest form.
My dad was very upset that I had to go through this pain. He said he will bring me back for weekly acupuncture sessions till the pain is gone. Which I hope, and I am glad I have such a supportive dad. After the acupuncture, I had to film Risque episodes.
You know… Episode 22, 24 and 26 for Risque were the hardest for me. With both wrists bandaged, and the feel of extreme pain… internally and externally… plus the psychological mindset of being a sick twisted psychotic villain… wow. I can’t believe I did her scenes. I don’t think I had laughed so much in my life from genuine pain in my heart. When I am in pain, I either laugh or cry… crying results in screaming… laughing… results in insanity.
After filming her episodes, I spent the next two days mostly sleeping the pain away. Of course, I had a ready supply of chocolates, panadol and drank coffee like no tomorrow. These are the only three healthy ways I can numb the pain without having to resort to harmful drugs or other high risk activities. If I had a choice, I would choose a hug. A real hug, from a friend, a stranger, whoever. I just need a hug. It is the best cure for my soul.
I am feeling better today, because the pain has subsided, I am still wearing my wrist guards, but I am cutting down on coffee and chocolates because I think I did gain weight over the sleep-eat-pain period. I am well now, and I hope to resume to dance. I just have to remember to avoid cold drinks, cold weather and cold people.
I felt the pain when laughing
This is probably the most explicit scene for Risque
why cry, when no one sees you crying, why laugh, when no one laughs with you? There is only hopelessness left.
In a world of hope, there is only pain.
In a world of hopelessness, there is only freedom.
I have chosen… hopelessness to free me from the pain.
That’s why… I am limitless… fearless and free… a very dangerous state of artistry.
For the better or worse, I don’t know.
I was… and still is.. the leading actress of the play I had started acting in since I was 14 years old.
I was the gifted child at 7 years old who built castles out of poker cards and solved jigsaw puzzles for adults.
That lady in the black dress smoking a cigar on the poker table since 21 years old.
I am sorry my lover, my love for you has driven me to the point of insanity I can’t turn back on, my obsession has turned into vengeance and I hope to torment you daily with the dreams and desires you want but can’t have with Cheryl and Risqué.
You played with fire, and I am sure to reward you for your efforts.
You know… all I ever wanted was for us to live happily ever after in our little world.
But I am dead now.
Saynonara.
The Scarlet Queen
A wild stallion runs in the distance. It can’t be tamed, or controlled… it is willful and fidgety when someone approaches it. It only runs on and on, never stopping, never looking back, only looking forward. It is freedom, the freedom of running across fields of green and the bright skies of no tomorrow, the freedom of living each day in full bliss, the freedom of not having anyone to control its reins. The freedom, that is its happiness.
Once, my uncle told my father and I, that I was a wild stallion. He said never to try to tame me, or I will escape the clutches of control. He said that I crave for freedom, and will go to any lengths to get it. He said, with a mixture of apprehension and excitment in his voice, that… my nature is wild.
He saw through me, beneath the calm exterior I exude, was a wild raging force waiting to be unleashed.
At the fearless state I am experiencing at this point of my life, I have fulfilled his prophecy.
I am… the wild stallion… he speaks of.
